The Jar

Yeah, I still think about how I ended my friendship with Kiyani. How we had stopped talking for weeks & yet it was such a big surprise to her that I was not happy. How my eyes stung as I spoke to her over the phone remorselessly, listening to her cry. It's not my fault that I felt like those tears were not for me. Once it was over I truly looked forward to her existence disappearing from my world just as easily as it did on FB. And for the most part it has. Maybe I did expect a small amount of continued effort. I text later that not or a couple of days from them but I got nothing. She did nothing really to change that other than make a new post expressing how idiotic she felt. She simply accepted the fate I gave us.

At first I felt I did the right thing for the right reason, which was that our friendship was no longer healthy. That letting her go was a way of respecting that she was still not over Ryan, conversely, her letting go of me was best because she still deeply treasured her friendship with Ryan and did not know how to balance her feelings between the both of us. She could never fully be happy for me.

She has a new boyfriend, a new best friend, a new person to give her %100 too. Darren is now in the picture and to a degree this makes me even more angry. All the attention, time and sacrifice she had given for Ryan was halted in a matter of weeks. Just like that her heart beats for someone else so passionately. According to tumblr... I wish we could have discussed this transition. It's none of my business now. And yet I am very grateful to this man, I don't know what I would've done if she had continued to reblogg quotes that gave her the slight ounces of hope that Ryan and her could work it out.

I was fine not really knowing or caring about her for a period after and then Ryan mention that he was still very angry with her. Anger is nothing more than emotion, a strong one. Love warped. I feel like due to his anger and lack of indifference they will eventually make up. I hate that even now they still have some type of connection. Even though they shared secrets that ruptured the over all trust I had for them they are still willing to keep in touch. I wish she cared enough about me to not have put herself into those intimate moments with Ryan back then, I wish she cared enough for me to quit talking to him. Point blank, because even after we ended out friendship she still had more to chat about with him them trying to see what was going on with me. It may not be fair statement to make but it feels like a slap in the face. He means more to her than I ever did. What I feel really does not matter when it comes to them. What they do is between them.
A part of me really wants to tell them both, individually, to just stop. Let it go before they wreck everything. ..but that is not logically a smart thing to do. They have minds of there own and I will not be the one to alter the future of what is suppose to happen. I seem so insecure. I had had to deal with this before.
I hate myself for holding onto thoughts like theses. Yeah, I was hurt, I am still hurting over her. I took her too literally when she told me that our friendship meant more to her than what she shared with Ryan. I let her slip in to easily. I wanted her friendship but she wanted Ryan more. She wrote him that 4 paged letter about how much she was still in love and loyal. She wanted to make clear that she would ALWAYS be there for him... if he really loved me he would've never fell for her. Sometimes I really can't tell which one of us is more wrong. Could Ryan really be controlling and manipulating things to have his ego stroked into this cluster fuck?

It's human though is it not? For me to clench onto this anger so much that my knuckles have turned white? The only one truly effected by these thoughts is myself. I'd do anything to let it go. I thought that creating the art work I did for on Christmas would help but it hasn't. Ryan and Kiyani still exchange their lives with each other and there's nothing I can do about it. My heart won't let me have as much anger towards him as I have for her. It's not just. I won't hold this in forever though.

"Please strip away this hate and just let it be." Is what I want to scream to myself. "All I want to do is love. "

Recap 2011

Roughly 16 hours ago I kissed 2011 goodbye. The new year Began and with out permission my mind decided to reflect on as much as possible.
Last new years I worked until 10 pm at target. I came home and sat online. I remember thinking about how I told Ryan we couldn't talk for a while. My feelings had grown for this stranger but I wanted to try to ignore them. I listened to the fire works popping outside my window and went to sleep a few hours later. This was also the month I began volunteering at the MD SPCA.

• February I adopted Zuko and went to Katsucon with Justin, Tanique & Peanut and Shared an amazing Valentines day dinner with 2 other couples.
• In March I was still very much involved with school and Pokemon Black
• I dont remember too much about April, May & June. I'm sure a lot of riding on my emotional roller coaster, raising my expectations, and getting more involved with dogs. I will add this part though. It was in June that I knew I was in love with Ryan. I loved Kiyani too. I loved Kage too. I wanted to really be with this guy and make us work. It was a lot around and inside me that month.
• July was quite possibly the best moment of my 20 years on this earth. Once a week I spent time with Jimmy, we made out and smoked and I was always so relaxed. In addition to celebrating my 20'th birthday, I hosted an amazing pot luck cook out with Kelitah, was constantly participating in new events such as walking in a 4th of July Parade, and then at the end, traveled to Puerto Rico for a week.
• August was one of the last times I spoke to my brother Sir, he shared a lot with me in one night and all I can remember was being so focused on him. His words, expressions and of course his movement. I was just happy as hell to be in his presence. I partied this month and was almost completely committed to putting my attention on Ryan. I let go of fears for the most part and tried to make myself as happy as I could most days. I went to VA beach with my fam and had a nice time, took nice pictures and was motivated to pick up the beautiful booked called "The Help".
• I lost and regained control in September. Even after Ryan and I had made things official Kage still managed to make me feel like my world was crumbling beneath my feet. We had stopped all communication for what seemed like forever and when we finally spoke I felt he was no longer the guy I had walked away from. It hurt the most because I was so sure that no one else could love me the way he did. I wanted Ryan but I knew he didn't love me. I knew that he couldn't and wouldn't keep his hands off Kiyani. I felt like I was alone in love. I had dug my own grave. Justin and Elliot are still very close to me. This month I saw a lot of them even though I had choose not to go back to school, I was still there with them and they were there for me. At some point I took time to clear my head, I left home for a week to stay with my cousin. I felt better about most things. I focused on me and eventually that lead me to Pet's Mart.
• And that's what changed. When October rolled around I was still very confident and content with myself I still felt things for Kage but for the most part could see our separation as natural and as always, temporary. I was pretty sure that I wanted to end the experiment session with Ryan and jump into serious but he proved to feel differently and told me so though his actions... that of which I didn't find out about until later. Understanding and working out my job at pets mart was a pretty big deal. I came home exhausted almost every day.
  

• All of November and December was a leap of faith. I ended my year very happy. My world had grown so much in many ways and also grew smaller. I really did love my job, my self, & my boyfriend. Everything else came after. It was scary how invested I had let myself become with someone else other than my soul mate. I tried so many new things inside and outside of myself. I resurrected feelings and actions I thought I had long lost, like finally giving compliments, learned to ice skate, willingly spent my money on others, offering to drive, went out on dates, came home before curfew without any problems, compromised, drove long distances for only short periods of time pleased, random romantic acts, said things like "we" and "us", gave nicknames, new ways to have sex, changed my clothes style, really just made an effort. For most of these two months I've been seeing red. Listening to only the love station on the radio and planning ways to keep him interesting and me still lovable. I guess the worse of it all was ending my friendship with Kiyani. I still think about her to this day and it's always such a strong mixed feeling. * I'll talk about that later.

And last night was spent with the usual suspects. things seemed to move so slow in my head because of all that I just shared floating on top of my brain. I do feel older than when this year first begun, I feel driven, and more capable than ever.

Respecting yourself means listening to your body and emotions continuously. Then acting beyond a linear logic to achieve ones goals. ~Author Unknown

So long 2011 ~ !!