A Clean Heart

"Would you tell me which way I ought to go from here?" asked Alice.

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get," said the Cat.

"I really don't care where" replied Alice.

"Then it doesn't much matter which way you go," said the Cat.

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Inspiration penetrates my thoughts, pounding a hollow wave of energy whenever I actually take the time to listen
-- & I am very grateful for being alive. More than I ever have ever been. I have things to work towards and people to live for. I am not alone; I admit that I still have my doubts but slowly I'm starting to find a friendship in this new me. As if a weight is lifting, simultaneously; I wanna take on more of these ideas that have yet to induce an inception.
I have plans for myself, that seem a little more personal than I can remember. I see change and I see strength. Maybe it's due to my age; for once I kinda feel like 19 years means something. I find myself talking more about things I am not to sure of, and I am proud. I still am a crybaby but I am becoming a bit more organized.
I am finding forgiveness and acceptance under every pillow case. This isn't an easy process! My mind wants so hard to remind me of my failures and to question things that no longer need answers. I still feel jealousy and rage and pain and guilt and weak. I still reminisce and worry but now, I have help. Through prayer I'm finding a calmness, and assurance that everything is the way it is, simply because it is.
(& I'm OK with that of course.)
I see where I must re- build and place my trust and where I need to iron out past persecutions.

Vindicated.
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Last night I did something I didn't expect to happen for a very long time. I was content with not ever seeing them face to face again but It happened anyway. Minus, the one I probably longed for the most, Lauren & Claire joined me for dinner at this lovely Thai restaurant. They too had not seen each other in a while, but surely kept in touch more than I had tried to in years I guess. The moment came and went; we laughed, and caught up briefly. I felt much more lighter than the last few times I cared to remember. I felt like falling back into the blissful pattern of sleepovers and notebooks. These girl were once very important people to me, and the warmth we all radiated towards each other indicated to me that the feelings were much mutual. [With no strings attached] I would love to re enact this encounter we shared that night. We all drive, we are all talented and diverse and we all know how to have 'a good time.' Love.