Blast off. It's party time & wtf are you?

“So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”

So here's a quote I found. It wasn't the best and most touching of the bunch -but I was tired of going to the next page. Anyway, tonight I experienced fortune telling, coincidences, future sight and all the other sayings for foreshadowing come to life. Inevitably. (In my very last post I'd written- just two days ago I mentioned something about a dream I had; the sound of an explosion. I also said how I looked up what could be the meaning of that (something is about to be exposed or come into consciousness) and well I'll be - something had been exposed tonight.
My conscious was definitely ripped into and my heart.... I haven't felt that bad since sometime in 2008. No lie. I can't really explain it, - although it felt like an old friend. I wanted to reach and pull out my heart that literally felt like it was pumping poison through my system. I had forgotten how to breathe for quick moments. The shakes came and went as well as feeling light headed because I laughed most of it off. Still the company I had had no choice but to go in for the night. Whats worse, nothing I was told was proven to be legit. It is my mind that has me doing flips and auto creating a slide show of cut and paste audio sound, mental pictures and clues.
I can't believe I let it get to me so much. What happened to my priorities?

I want to feel numb. karma sucks

Maybe it happen the way It did because I had so much else stored within me.
So much anger and confusion that tonight was just the straw that broke the numels back.
The rest of the night was a poor attempt to fill whole again. My words didn't travel far.
I hurt so much right now - I will not sleep well tonight.
I confuse myself, I'm afraid and lonely and I just cant wait for this to end.

Hey Moon

Please forget to fall down. Hey Moon - don't you come down.
For now I'm just gazing at the moon- listening to silly rap tunes.

I really enjoy jazz now. At night.
I can't feel it the way I do at night. It takes me back to the 20's I believe. I'm slowly painting a mental picture. Long black dress, pink lips; she's sitting alone at a bar. Her drink has barely been touched and no one wants to walk up to her. Her smile can light up a room if only she would smile.
Anyway, I want a kiss, it can be anywhere. Lips, cheek, forehead, eyelids....It's just one thing among others that I miss and feel like could realistically happen.
I miss my dog, so much. I'm beginning to stress and simply stroking his hair and feeling that warm spot on my lap would help with some of this frigidness.

Adventure Time
Thursday night and Friday where the brightest of highlights I've experienced in while. I was so happy, I felt totally in the moment for the most of my day. My phone didn't exist, my social networks, my friends back in the county. I felt like I was on a much needed mini vacation with a very beautiful and strong lady that I am lucky to call my friend.
I think what I'll remember most about that day was the small garden lined with small candles and the children running around without a care in the world. Desspite the blatant racism event - everything worked like clockwork from dawn till dusk. I know I laughed hard as I sat in the passenger seat for once.

Today I woke up with a bang, literally. I nearly jumped out of bed when I heard the sound of something exploding, it was all in my head however. It felt so real. Apparently, to dream that you hear but do not see an explosion means that something is about to be exposed or come into conciseness.
Well -I sure hope so; I'm ready.
I went to work and found out on the spot that I was scheduled to work 8am to 3pm. I had casually walked in at 10; for the next 30 minutes or so felt incredibly unnerving. After work Jojo had made plans to go to the movies but I just wasn't in the mood. When I got home I only had one thing on my mind despite my mom asking me to join her and my brother as they went to the mall. Something deep down tells me I should almost never turn down my mom for 'maybes' or 'what could be's'.
To avoid going through every single detail- for the next 2 hours or so I had "chose" to sit in the back seat of my car in front of Tidus house. In my defense I had so many sketch ideas that I had to let out, which I did- but by not being home I couldn't properly touch them up. I wasted my (indispensable) time there, I know I did. I felt so wrong but I couldn't, I didn't want to be in my house all alone. I felt like crying because I just didn't want to feel alone in a room full of paired off people. I still feel out of place. I'm sure there is some sort of positive affirmation I can work on - but for the time being I just feel.. and I feel a lot of it.
Before the night ended I paid a visit to Usagi who made me feel a bit better.
I addressed up front with her things that were bugging me and she wholeheartedly apologized for simply showing up when a ride in my car was being offered.
I know talking with her loosened me up but still - here I sit; itchy, mussels tight, heart racing, tears blurring my vision. & I can't help but smile. So what today was not as productive as others.
So what I can witness my self respect fade. I win some and lose some. I'll be ok in the end.

Consequence of sounds

Dark Brown and Red. Forever stained in my head.
Low pulse and fading eyes, I lean in closely to whisper those lies.
I want to warm you up & let you rest in my lap, but it didn't take long for the white coats to say "you're time is up" I denied your cries and lack of perception even though you had become the only exception.
I remember the night I laid with you and sobbed you breathe was slow, your energy robbed &still I just new things would be 'ok', until the next day.
I couldn't save you and I didn't fight a good fight but I do believe your death was done right. poison in your veins and ice in your heart who knew it only took a moment to tear us apart?

Treasure is gone now, he died sometime around 11 Friday morning.
A mercy killing.
I felt like my ribs were collapsing but the feeling quickly went away, I forced it to. I wanted to kick and scream and stab the doctor with his own needle. I wanted to bite my dad and smash windows. I saw it all happening in my mind. I drove away in tears after paying a 'small' fee. I drove singing and humming to the songs on the radio, I texted and made about two phone calls as if I were over it just like that. At Justins house I cried a little more but ended up coloring.
I hate cats.
The rest of my day felt like a movie. Time does have a way of healing things...small things.
I avoided going home till I was too hungry to think straight.
The next day I went to work with a smile on my face, 8am to 1:30pm. Time flew by in no time and the next thing I knew I was at home sleeping. When I woke my mom was home asking if I had plans for that night.. I looked but did not find. We went to a Jazz Bar (Coco's Butter)
Like a real one with a live band, wine, chocolate and small appetizers. My mom was friends with the owner and somehow I ended up being the waitress of the night! Talk about a new experience. The people where nice for the most part, plenty of refills and and orders. Carrying long wine glasses where no joke either. I was really shocked.... and grateful. It helped take my mind off of somethings and bring light to others. I like waiting on people, I like sharing a few words and I love people who can really make me smile when I forget how to.