Another Girl

what the fucking hell have you done?

Just an Idea....

I NEED TO BE MORE FUCKING GRATEFUL

My Day

Yesterday and Today have been well, different. Never saw them coming thats for sure.
I had another emotional flare up, break down, whatever you wanna call it. One of the worse I've had in a while. Unfortunately my Mom had to be there. I love her so much but I hate the fact that I feel like I can go to her for about almost anything. & so I did. I let her know how I wanted to end my life - I'm sick of feeling the way I do. .. . the night went on. Me crying out of shame her crying while making countless calls to get me help.

Grrrmph. I swear I have so many more reasons to hate myself even more. A stupid teenager obsessing over a stupid teenage relationship gone sour? WTF. When will I grow to have the strength I need to take care of myself? Aah, well ... I can't type it all with out getting teary eyed . It can't be help though. Feeling that way will get me no where. I'll be fine. & you know what, there is still hope ....... and I won't.. I can't let it go.

-----

The next day [well today obviously], this amazing friend found his way into my heart again and again and again...

Diante I love you so much.

We Spent That Day, And We Laughed And We Smiled And
We Played..And With Everything Right, Not A Problem In Sight
I Pray That This Moment Would Stay . .. .. Oh, I Have Been Waiting For All Of This Time...
Finally Found You, My Love Has Arrived
Once There Was Me, Now There's You And I.

After Diante, I was faced with another [unplanned] surprise. Ashley wanted to hang with me.
Yeah. That Ashley. We drove all the way up to Bel Air to visit an old friend of hers and to have a few drinks.
Sure I was giving the option to stay home before hand, but I couldn't wait.
Over all, all I had was two mixers and one shot of this yummy tasting "vanilla sky". Although her friend got totally shit faced the two of us held our own and shared many stories and created new memories. We sobered up at a near by waffle house. MMhmmm. Waffles.

I'm not saying I'm going to be a drinking fool now [although thats most likely was not a one time thing] but today what I realized was that there are people in my life, and they were put there for a reason. On top of that, about 3 differnt people called/txt me out of the blue today also... just wanting to talk. Wow. If this wasn't a sign idk what else is.

Random Updates

• I love my mom more than any of you hoes.
• My pants came in the mail yesterday >_>
  
• School is in...about a week *sigh*
• ..... Bring it on
• I start driving school Sept. 6
• SixFlags Trip Aug. 19 th ?
• Stephs Birthday Aug 17 th?
  
• I haven't gotten any back to school clothes or material yet *tear*
• I promise to never end my own life, or harm myself for attention
• [cause thats all it is... ]
• I have no clue who I am or what I'm doing right now
• I my next friend will fall from the sky
  

How Close is Close Enough??

I'm sort of going off topic for a bit right now, but heres the thing. I really miss the old Avril. I was going through some of my old CDs and found hers. Its amazing the effects songs can have on a person. Music just screams the words I'm too afraid to speak.

"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain"

-Bob Marley

Right now - I don't feel as alone because when I listen to Avril sing about a guy thats done her wrong; only then does what everyone else say [oh it'll pass, been there done that, youe not the only one... blah blah blah] have meaning. I'm not saying I'm just like Avril or we can relate .. it's just that I understand more of how the heart works, what its capable of.
This very instant, as her soundtrack plays, I've grown to forget about all my pain, knowing the lyrics from memory and reciting them under my breathe - I'm letting go.
I'm giving my mind and heart to come together right now.

Right now, I'm all that matters.


Strength.

The highlight of the summer

OTA [*FUCKING] CON.
*details coming soon*
*details Updated*

Ok Soooo. My dreams of a complete perfect 2 .5 days did not go to waste. I truly enjoyed myself at Otakon 2008. I took control of almost every situation and was granted happiness & satisfaction in it.
For one, I stayed energetic: Rarely sitting down just to sit, going out of the way just for food, or being the wallflower at the rave. [*I actually asked a few guys to dance ]
For two, I kept myself entertained weather I was alone or not : Stalking Monique [Yes, I finally did meet my sex god. one would think my life could've ended right after that. lol], Making candy sushi, attending my own personal photo suite, walking in on random workshops, shopping, dueling, attending the masquerade for the first time ever [& It was soo worth it. Very funny and talented otaku really do exist!] & of course the rave again. ^_^
&& Finally, the people I was with: Mainly Danni: We had fun, Kage, Riot, Chris, Pnut, Jasmine, Monique, Kelitah &Khayla [back for round 2] We all took time out of our [schedules] to just hang out together & Kept in touch the whole time. It was nice. No matter how much I knew it would hurt later .. the fact that Kage and I forgot how to act like just friends. I kept smiling and living in the moment.. If only everyone could do that.

Hmmm. So when shall I start the count down for 2009??

"Sometimes the only sense you can make out of life is a sense of humor."

Love Stoned

We make a funny pair. You & I. Like a bloodsucking leech and it's host, a remora and a great white, crack and its abuser.

How many cracks does it take to shatter a heart? I'll find out soon enough. Yes. As long as this foolish organ of mines remains so damn stubborn, it'll eventually get its just desserts. My love.

End of Heartache.

Your my addiction. & i hate it. i hate you. I hate this..what ever this is. bum.

you are .. a dark ocean bottom.
and I am. a fast sinking anchor.
should I fall for you??

Lost

Lost in time. My words have become lost in time. They've escaped me yet again.. Just like so many others. It's amazing how fast I throw away the good things I experience. If not fully discarded, just pushed to the side. Replaced with worrying and heartache.




Why does this always happen?


Why can't I just find acceptance? [I d...wont accept myself or others for who they really are]. I pity and down myself without hesitation, and for what. Attention??
I just want to put an end to myself sometimes.

confidences lies from with in. Well,... why the hell can't I summon it!
My system is corrupt.


I have to continue making an effort. I'll let others down for as long as it takes.