Drifting, Drifting

I'm falling asleep.
My night time playlist is doing it's job as usual. I'm mad, sad, grateful, loved, full, struggling, torn, lost, determined, so ready to yell and skeptical right now.. all at once & all I can do right now is wish for sleep. As I hold my cell phone near... longing. I'm also thinking about chucking it across my room into my mirror. Maybe then will I react the way I want to. Maybe then I'll scramble through the broken glass and regret having bled.
Kiss my fore head and kick my shin. Is this really worth fighting for?
I want to love and I want die.
No one ever really means that, just a state of mind. A dramatic, attention seeking and weak state of mind.
Sleep now and ask that I don't have to work in 9 hours from now. I should have made that phone call.

It'll be O.K little lady.

I may not wish to see it turning out for the better but I left things up to the universe once again. please open my mind and spirit, guide me.
I'm yours.

Dreaming aloud

I just looked up and into my mirror. I see a small girl, her hair seems a bit matted and her eyes watery. She probably smells and it's apparent that she had just eaten. She looks so small because there is so much stuff on her wall behind her. Things that she thinks are her hobbies and interest. So simple. Is this the me I wish others to see? ~~With a little sweet and Simple numbing me

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Why did i read your blog?! My heart aches for you. It really does, something within me knew I wasn't for you from the beginning of our journey. I am good at cheering people up but with that power comes a responsibility that I have yet to live up to.

" You are responsible for the lives you save."

I got the best of you and didn't let go till it was too late. Until the street lights came on and you were left outside in the dark. My other half called me home and you could do nothing as I walked into the warmth. I'm so sorry Ron, you didn't deserve this my friend. Please continue live and learn and be divine.
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Spring classes start next week. I want to walk into there with a new agenda. I want to push myself to break language barriers more than ever. I want to use my voice more than ever, I want to learn about sexual behaviors more than ever, I want to use the other side of my brain more than ever.
This is it! This is me! Weather I love or hate who I'm becoming is still a mystery. I'm changing. && it for you, for me, for the birds, for the trees. *Smile

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2 hours later.

OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
I just broke my knee cap. *cry* Karma's a bitch.

blah.

Her Lovely Bones

"You are and will always be a part of me. ... A part of me that I no longer wish to face anymore."

My mom and I saw "The Lovely Bones" tonight. It was an odd and beautiful tale. I want to read the book as soon as possible. Death was glorified so much in the movie, Suzie Salmon was murdered by the neighborhood child predator. .. The rest you must find out on your own.
I day dream about it a lot. My death. I don't feel much of anything because well, I'm dead.
Don't take this wrong, not trying to be emo here. Just honest. Who would cry for me and why?
How did I die and who would I want to see the most only seconds before the curtains call?
Who would find a way to blame themselves and who would blindly look for my killer?
Who would be too heartbroken to continue and who would find to strength to start.
.
.
.
Just thoughts anyway. I don't want to scare anyone away so I'll shift gears.
Speaking of gears, this whole car bit is blowing me. The demand for money is increasing and it's hurting my parents I know it. If only I was more aware and never crashed that night...
I must maintain at least a 3.0 while at CCBC or I pretty much won't be able to afford driving again. It's a scary thought..Japanese is a serious class, as well an math.. and speech * sigh*
I need strength. The kind of strength that can only come from with in. In order to do so I feel as though I must cut more. More memory, more time, for people from my current self.

(RF: Snakes shed their skin at least 20 times a year!)

I'm no serpent however. I'd like to think of myself as much warmer and easier on the eyes. lol.
.
.
Just Dance (that game I got for the Wii) is amazing. My arms are getting tighter and I have more flat tummy feeling days. ^_^

Read it and Weep

Beat this Peanut!

Stalkers....

.....are among us.

A long way gone

Sitting alone nearly half the day, a lot has gone through my mind. Last night, I saw blood in all of my dreams. Besides the obvious fact that I am menstruating right now I looked deeper into the meaning. I'm suffering emotionally and I feel drained. (blood drains) When people fight and confront each other, worse case scenarios can lead to bloodshed. The women in my dreams would rather have her throat slit then to fight back.

[[{--... & with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt. --}]]

Last night, It's just a little blurry. I drowned out all the positive and I stand here alone. How can you say you really love me for me?
So much doubt.
Weak and scared, it must be fun to feel as though I can fit into your mold. It can be so addicting, getting caught up in the feeling. Unlike me you really have power.
Drive.
Confidence.
I'm the only one who can save me from myself. Only me. I feel so light headed. My body and soul are warm. The heat is releasing from above my head like steam in a pasta pan. I want to laugh but my muscles are too tense. I want to be wrapped up in your arms but its a struggle just to wake up. Release me.

_____________
TBC

Alright with me

Current Song: Jumper - Third Eye blind. [Lol]

Everyone has to face down their demons.

I Could use a crystal ball right about now

MONSTER.*
I feel like shit right now, real shit.
Despite the fact I'm playing my normal round of Pokemon (I swear I'll give it back next time I see you Peanut.) I feel ugly; Internally. What am I doing? This is becoming a nightmare and I might as well right my name down next to author. I don't know who to talk to about this and so no one ever gets the whole story. Just what is my story? Just what is my story?
I have no one to blame but myself. His words echo in my head...

How can I decide what's right when you're clouding up my mind?

My heart. Well she's currently not present.
I spent my whole day out of the house. I didn't get home until about an hour ago.
Something phenomenal occurred today, the gang that was created three years ago reunited.
Me, Kage, Sir and Danielle all huddled up in my car to day for drunken fun. Despite killing my tank to drive all the way to Whitemarsh and back. It was emotionally satisfying from my end. I saw Lystra [She sets sail tomorrow]and finally met Offie! I wish we had all taken a picture. (Who's gonna believe this?lol) Kage and Sir made amends and were even calling each other 'brothers' for a lack of better words, it was epic.(underline)

*The moon was beautiful tonght.

I... fucked up. I made a big ...mess. It's becoming an earthquke in my head. And still no tears. Why did I have this responsibilty? Was it really given to me? A fool?

weoifhnfjgfghrfuhgrereqp393224v1'1!

where's the pain?! I don't feel a thing right now. Just a dry back.
I was meant for so much more. I am..

ashamed. embarassed. cold. itchy.
so sorry.
I'm sorry because this is who I really am. *
I feel as though I thought I was ready. I wanted to be but I'm just not.
I am infact less than.