Peaceland

"The nicest thing" - Kate Nash

I love watching interracial couples interact. They are for the most part just like any other happy couple but with a bonus and disadvantage of skin color. I'm sure some couples may chose to keep their families as far out their business as possible but others have found ways to just make their parents 'shut up and deal with it.'

- fearless

When I'm at work interracial families are definitely on the top 5 list of shoppers I see. Old white women walking biracial children around by their hands, White man holding his new born son as a black women pays for the purchase, a group of white high school girls come in to buy bras and bikinis and the one biracial girl fits right in ranting about last nights party.
I don't know when it happen, not that it matters but it's just so beautiful to me. The idea that a man or woman could look at a person different from themselves and fall in love. Regardless of what time period they grew up in, the possible outcome of their child and of course their gender or race. Biracial kids are so beautiful to me, and yet deep down I have some sad thoughts attached.

I guess I had my chance once back in high-school. A white boy told me he loved me and stole my first kiss. I didn't know much about love or relationships back then but thinking back on it. I am thankful for him and his courage.
-----

There has been a lot of mixed ideas and emotions floating around my head simultaneously; especially when a just lie in my bed. I feel stuck in the middle again. Almost to the degree of being that middle child. My older sister is ready for the pain and struggle it takes be beautiful. She wants to handle more responsibility - granted she has the knowledge and courage to constantly work for for it. She feels like moving out and having less social time is becoming more personal.
My younger sister wants to be noticed for her simply doing what she's suppose to do, she wants affection and praise. She wants to feel weightless, living life day by day.

I need to believe in myself.

In my heart & in my goals.
Even when I feel like I shouldn't
I believe that I can always try again tomorrow and I believe in my friends. I believe in the kindness in peoples hearts and the pursuit of happiness.
I believe in love and forgiveness.
I believe there is a God and there will be a time of liberation.

Goodnight.

Bailar conmigo

"Always be my baby" - David Cook.

It's pretty odd but I find myself listening to this cover twice every morning before I leave the house. First I just listen, then I sing along. At this point that song is so beautiful I want to dedicate it to everyone I ever knew.

Today I went to my first Latino fest, the weather was nice and there was a huge turn out. The overall square feet of the event wasn't as big as I had expected. I spend almost the first hour there by myself then ran into my cousins, Lys and then Kemet & co. I was comfortable with how everything turned out; got to practice my Spanish, watch people dance & yada yada. A few hours after that I found myself in that dreadful black hole known as Orpheus. We didn't stay long, just poked our heads in long enough to get noticed and requested then rolled out. Transformers style.
Ok. I lied, I rolled out. Leaving mis tres amigas there to finish getting their party on.


Speaking of partying on.
Kelitah and I are throwing one next month. I'm sure it'll be the opposite of a totally fail. Providing that it does not rain, guest come in a good mood and that I have pre-made food available. I'm so anxious I wanna just go out and buy the things on my list next time I work but that would be pointless; I gotta learn to take things day by day.

Like this whole PR trip, and the requirements needed beforehand. Driving out to essex for less than 4 hours seems a bit insane to me, but it's gotta be done. I wont think about it again until my alarm goes off reminding me that I should be heading out. & that's the end of that story

The Sweetest Sin

"I'll run" - The Cab

So I guess, for the time being, I will be getting back into reading astrology....
I now only look at it as fascinating not defining. I could careless what the book/ net says the stars say about me or how I'm suppose to be. If I don't what to stay indoors all day I don't want to stay indoors. I prepare meals on my time and enjoy doing it solely in that time period. I do not feel very motherly about anybody except for the animals I work with at the SPCA. I do not know how to comfort or offer swell advice but I will listen. I am very capable of doing that. Ironically, in a way I am still living up to the rules of the practice and that is being selfish.

With that being said, trying to understand the mind of a Taurus seems like a lot of work. Relationships in general seem to be a constant act of humbling ones self and having the freewill to make that persons day delightful. Playing the devils advocate for a second, the risk of relying on one person to provide those positive hormones to you on a regular seems like a job not just anyone can get or keep.

I can't seem to over analyze this situation, at all. There is just this mental block that is just as strong as it was when it was first built. I can work around it, and I can see through it sometimes but climbing over it seems to be an idea that has long since blown away with the wind. However, I do appreciate the encouragement the books offers, implying that cancer x Taurus are pretty much soul mates/ perfect for each other. "Do not throw this pairing away so easily".

Pure Imagination

"I admit to having an imagination feverish enough to melt good judgment"

"Day & Night"- Kid Cudi

I am so far from sleepy right now. Knowing that I have to be at work in 7 more hours.... how unlike me. I want to scream right now, and cry like I use too. I am feeling over whelmed with ..a grey matter. Not pain or pleasure but maybe a two piece combo w/ a side of heartlessness.

I would like to briefly pick up on where I last left off, about an hour ago. The "new soul" that is showing me all types of kindness without me every asking for it. I get a pang in my heart sometimes and at the same time It makes me feel even more alive. Let me explain... It hurts because to me, regardless of the identity of the sender the fact that I was targeted for the good feelings must mean that I am being noticed. It's always shocking and makes me curious weather I have the same affects on others also. & so this genuine and effortless efforts she makes has caught me off guard in every way
((((((WHY?! ))))))
I ask this but I really do know the answer all ready. I am special, I am beautiful, patient, funny, sweet, understanding and I know I have elude positive energy as much as possible.

Maybe what I'm thinking is nothing but my purest of imagination but I love this new soul, more than I was ready too and regardless of what happens I will wish her the best as I do with everyone who comes and goes.

"Boom Boom Boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon"

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Switching topics drastically right now.

Next month I will be packing my bags and flying with a group of dynamic, diverse and open minded colleges to the US territory known as Puerto Rico. I'm really excited more for the the service work I will be doing rather than the tourist lifestyle I will be living/ condition I will be living in just for a week.

Today was my Alternative Summer Break [ASB] retreat. We pretty much ate, played games that helped to get to know each other better and made plans that will help us raise money. I'll be selling chocolate bars by the butt load also.
The biggest obstacle I have with this trip is time management. Work, volunteering, school, tutoring, socializing... it will all have to align them selves damn near perfectly and allow me to reach out to them accordingly.

I can barely contain my excitement :]

EVERYTHING..happens for a reason

.....right?

I really want to believe that. For one thing, I have been naturally waking up at 7am for the past few weeks. I'm not sure what sparks it; the heat from the sun, the sounds I hear outside or my dreams. All I know is that once I'm up, I'm up. I can now afford to take my time in the morning to examine myself and check my attitude on things. I should now have time to detox myself but I don't. I usually spend it online....

"Uh-Oh" - Lumidee

To be honest, I have not been blogging for a while for the most insecure reasons ever; I don't want anyone to read them anymore. I want to write about how I feel but I never feel comfortable doing it on blogger anymore. I feel like some readers would think little of me; to be disappointed. Even pointless thoughts like this make me shy away from pressing send.

So here I am now. Open because the one who knew me the most is now out of my life once more and I don't know for how long or if he even should come back.
This isn't a 'nothing else matters anymore'. Its more of my just fulling a request to reflect. To take my time and have the motivation to better myself.

We all know I have a thing for that Ryan fella. Although it is likely that I be looked at as lustful, reckless, and inconsiderate. I see it in a different light. He sees me and hears me better than most and without the use of psychical senses. Long story short, (yet not really well grounded) I choose my follow my head over my heart because after all, your heart can be easily blinded and corrupted. I chose to leave no one in the dark about this and to patiently wait for my attitude to make the appropriate adjustments. I accepted myself rather than said mean things behind my back & sooner than later a new soul appeared in the middle of it all. Making ever so light foot prints on my heart and ways of thinking. This female is a lot like how I already see myself. Awkward, flirty, funny, active, fashionable & sweet. Then there is of course another side to her, which, I feel like; "well why didn't I pick up those traits yet as well?" We have the flirtatiousness, the affectionate, the loyalty/ obsession to her boyfriend, the loud, quick tempered, aggressive and blunt speaker.

I didn't get those traits because that's not Shayla. Obviously.
Regardless if that's what Shayla wants to behave like. Who says that's how I ought to be? Attempting to make that a reality is killing off the character already assigned at one point.
..... right?

I have more than enough evidence to believe that, that which was just stated is my default style of thought. (Something Justin and I have in common). It's neither bad nor good in my opinion.
Although it may be read as though I claim it more as a curse rather than a "baby I was born this way." I am capable of coming off in any sense of attitude I wish -it's just that responding in ways that are more natural make me feel as though 'everything happens for a reason."