Bite my tounge

I apologize to everyone whom I've affected within the past month; strangely enough this is also including Tanesha. I've been acting out. Miss behaving.
Adding paper to flames.
I do not feel well about this matter at all. It's making me feel sick. To think I wanted it, I craved it; seeking the unseen. Every time I catch myself beginning to think the thought and planning to walk that walk I want to kick myself hard enough that I double over.
This draining feeling which I feel is someone else fault, is none other than my own self inflicting parasite. I cannot pretend I feel comfortable with my declarations, nor can I regret them either. Sooner than later I will find the will power to accept the things that can not be changed.
I regularly find myself processing and outputting data base on only what I know about myself in addition to memories, what I believe to be the most un biased, accurate resolutions; its just that when I focus on my current sources of energy I feel hunky dory.
As a result, I see now that I can not and I do not need Ron's love, his time, his attention, his friendship.
I'd like it, I dream about it, but that comes down to nothing in the end.
I want hope, but in this case hope is just a distraction. Hope didn't get us here, our actions did, or rather the lack of action when most critical. I need to look at what has a chance of surviving in the long run.
Truth. I wasn't strong enough.
Truth. I had fallen in love with limerance.
Truth. I am responsible for what I am feeling now.

-----thief**
Usagi you don't see me, I don't see you. They can't see me. I can't see them. ** We are blind; ignorant and without a hint of frustration in our throats we dance to the beat of our own drums. I so childishly held a grudge that consumed our friendship. All I ask is for you to one day be able to look at yourself and see that the clay is still soft. SING. I will be right beside you dear, whenever I am ..right be side you.

With all these mistake we must surely be learning

----
Jojo .. shit just got serious man. I'm hoping that by the end of this week I'll have purchased my sketch book and maybe a mediocre pack of color pencils. We will make sales and drop panties. Hahaha. I believe in you as much as I believe you believe in me.@_@
So let's shoot for the stars baby!
BCR[Black Colored Rainbows] will one day make it's debut.
P.S I'm starting to get the Prom Season Butterflies lol.
----
Guitar lesson are going slow, my fingers hurt yet no calluses.

• Mike your a great person and teacher; as soon as he hit the 1st couple of chords to "I'm yours" my heart beat sped up. I look forward to working with you again.
  

• Rakkum your lessons were a bit to showy, I'm pretty sure you just wanted to prove to me that you could play but its all good. I did learn a better way to hold the neck up.
• Kwaun, I haven't seen you in forever dude, I hope our lessons this week will go by well, from what I heard your a friggin beast. I guess it would only be right to tip you.

---
I wanna be the best double Pokemon battler out there son.

PS2. my big sister Sir really came through for me the other night. Thnx a bunch ilu <3

night world

Twist & Shout

"When you see my face hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you... Hell."

Eh, I think I can be too easily influenced.
Earlier this week I felt overwhelmed by emotions; I was becoming afraid. My mind had a mind of it's own. Pressing me to repeat and rekindle. I felt torn and taken back, either side tugged so strong, so justifying. I was becoming compulsive and my nostalgic thoughts made me sick. Ihad to get out of the house and head to 'the right' direction; surprisingly I did. Neutral territory;
Jojo was just as surprised to see me as I was to have made it.

"Someday you will be loved." DeathCabForCuties

I felt bad, honestly. I wanted to feel alone. I'm not, I never was. It is time that comes in between me and those who care about me. I all too easily forget that.
Anyway, He ended up giving me some very useful advice; I guess I was finally able to receive it.
"You don't have to make everyone happy."
It made me laugh because I've been told so many times before but it was at that moment when I actually heard it. Thanks.

K-On season 2 is already on a great start. So good in fact, I found myself in Bills Music store purchasing a guitar yesterday.
I really would love to be able to play chords. I'm not arguing the fact K-On is not the only factor to this decision, it's pretty obvious. Regardless, I've never gone this far, ' been this influenced.' The acoustic guitar is pretty much bigger than me but I will practice every night till my hands hurt. Bliss.
Coincidences are funny. Sometimes painfully so; I like how I was in yet another pretty heated argument with Kage and sometime I refused to see from his perspective. Not agreeing with his choice of words, and at times talking is pure spite only to find out that the next day in Speech class, we covered purposeful meaning. My teacher said straight from his lips that those who choose to hold common conversations can still be loved by the listener but that listener will soon see look for the usefulness of those words and often detach themselves.
(T__T;)
Oh well, I am still discovering who I am. Layer by layer

Tomorrow is Earth day.
Everyday is Earth day.
yadda yadda, don't worry I will show my mother some love <3

Dog Days

{Tee -Hee} my body feels so good!
Just hopped out the shower and wrapped in just a towel my room feels so temperature perfect, lotion will soon be thoroughly applied.

(inhale, exhale)

So Thursday evening, the day after my last blog, my dad decided to let Treasure go outside while he took a little snooze....wtf! He calls me later on in the day while I'm in class to tell me that the dog has been gone for hours now. Of coursed I freak out, we [lose] Trez alot but each time I fear will be the last, bring a male Yorky of his size and maturity is quite rare. People want it.
My dad had found a way to put the blame on me; I had taken his collar off a few days earlier.
I cried almost every night. I felt as though I really had lost two,..almost three very important things in my life all too fast.
& I didn't know whom to talk to at one point..I remember once I really was about to give up after making online status on facebook, none of the right people responded to them .. I really regretted ever posting it. "life sucks then you die." T_T
I made fliers and posted them all around my neighborhood with the help of my mom.
So, he did in fact go missing for exactly three days. Cutting non important details, Sunday, got a voice message saying the dog had been spotted and batta-bing-batta-boom.
Treasure Mills is sleeping in his bed where he belongs.

:)

My trip to DC last weekend was amazing; I really needed that.
I was so happy, snapping photos, dancing, and finally being able to use my newly learned Japanese conversational skills and putting them into action.
Pretty much everything happened the way I wanted it to if not better. The heat was bearable. We barely ate and walked for hours but as I said, I really enjoyed myself.


Last week I caught some thing and it wasn't a pokemon. [boom,boom,crash] It had my voice sounding all mumbo jumbo horse radish like. It was interesting but it still has'nt left & I think I'm talking less if not in a whisper. Everyday I wake up my throat is dry and irritated. Yes am I sucking on cough drops and making some tea, but still being patient at the same time.

I still have this extreme disconnect feeling going on, What going on there. --- Funny how my eyes still pick up certain reads, I'm not surprised by the change in activities, part of me is happy because at least all that negativity is going elsewhere the other part feels uneasy; with holding yet another wild uproar.
We're still as selfish and outspoken as we were before all of this.
All of what?

[inhale, exhale]

PS. Now presenting my Kick Ass Team -for now-:
[Feraligator] Dragnov;[Ampharos] Hikari;[Steelix] Alkaline;[Magmar]Africa;
Snorlax & [Alakazam] Majin.

Penis Envy

Today I learned about the value of wisdom, and I have a newly found respect towards old people. I'll try not to see them as creepy, baby like creatures, but instead a large sack of knowledge wrapped in skin. :)

In other news, I just got in from taking a very nice walk around my neighborhood. Just me and Treasure.
Prior to that me and my mom went to see TP "Why did I get married too?" It wasn't memorable at all, and I personally think Janet Jackson carried the team on her shoulders....

Anyway, as I walked under the night's sky I really took the time to enjoy the little things; white and pink petals dancing to the ground, a white pitbull literally hanging out of an open window, growling, and a random toad who at first glance I thought was a rock. All of which helped me get my mind off of what I think is really getting under my skin.
I walked to Usagi's house too, to talk and to really tell her what was on my mind. I wanted to tell her that I hate that we doesn't spend anytime with me anymore, I wanted to point out that she choose to stop hanging out with me because she didn't want to be seen as a moocher,... and now she talks lightly about how much money she has and fun she's been having driving around with her new pals. I wanted to really throw my hurt on to her ...but I couldn't.
She seemed so happy and oblivious.
It didn't feel right, sitting and talking with her tonight. Planning a picnic, inviting me to an upcoming party and laughing I felt so, so small in her world. I felt small in this world it's self. "Why is it that when one person feels lonely they instantly blame an outside source?"
Why is it that I feel so disconnected and out of tune with everyone, even the ones whom I love?

"If you walk out on me... I'm walking after you.."

.....Earlier today felt a lot better. I woke up and out of no where wrapped my hair in a huge yellow scarf things my mom got me from Hawaii. I've had it for forever and never wore it, I loved the vibe I felt I was emitting all day long. I had to deliver my first speech in class today; it was on color and I don't think I stank too bad.

Oh! And before I forget, the night before that, I had an amazing night with Jamal, Carlos and Justin P! Itwas so random, they all came to my job for the Titan movie, afterwards I hopped in Jamals jeep and we took off. I was really cool, then from out of no where Dylan [remember that name folks?!@$] decided he wanted to join but I left before he got there. I passed up one hell of a 'high' experience that's for sure.

I need to make another to do list. Good Night. :)