Yo quiero un corazón fuerte

I may not be different, but I'm definitely not the same.

The other night I was not thinking clearly.... The world sucked and I felt hate. However, I'd like to believe that things have changed. Life can be so random. Instead of shutting down and drowning in my thoughts I got more feedback on what I was going through, I exposed this painful bitter seed inside of me and figured out a way to decrease it's burning effects.
I love myself too much to want to end my life.
I love myself for each and every choice I make. I love hearing myself laugh and sweet talk over the phone. I love the moments I feel alive.
Over a course of 24 hours I ate a nice warm meal with nothing but good music surrounding me, I sat for hours enjoying a newly purchased book, I ran away from and fought off an adventurous mouse, I really heard what Lystra had to say, I really heard what Andy had to say, I repeated over and over again that I wanted nothing more than a strong heart (un corazon fuerte), I got down on my hands and knees and cried out loud, I let myself be weak as I wanted, I cried until my pillow needed to be flipped over to the other side -I spoke aloud how much I wanted to unlock new doors deep inside me, I wrote angry letters never to be seen by anyone else..., I fell in and out of love then right back in, I forgave myself, I forgave him, I sleep well, I took a long hot shower, I called the job I planned on working for next and got an interview set up, just like that.& just like that, breathing became easy. I took control.

Courage

F.W.B

For the past couple of hours my face has been dealing with the 'leaky faucet syndrome'. During the day my vision becomes blurred by the amount of tears congregating, luckily they are easy to blink away.. I'm hopeless when the sun isn't up. If I simply look in the mirror too long, my tears will finally obey the laws of gravity. I feel broken and that simply will not do. That bitter seed that was planted deep with in me a long time ago has found a new source of sunlight. I feel it growing inside of me, along side it's friend worry and jealousy.

This is the part where I wish I were fucking dead.

I feel as though I am never strong enough to face and destroy these seeds inside me once and for all. I am not strong enough nor cold enough to trick my heart into doing what my brain tells me what is best.

I will get better. I am a better person.

It is a constant struggle to believe in myself at times like this. I want to throw a brick into the mirror while screaming "What are you learning from this Shayla!?"
What can I possibly be learning from feeling this pain right now? What is my body trying to teach me? Why are you still crying love?

For a month's time I was fine not worrying about this boy. I had forgotten all debts and all important words and feelings. I was content with trying to get my buttons pressed by another man. I had no doubts or exceptions from anyone. I just wanted him to be happy.

& Now..

His face.
Her face.
Faces of people I do not know.
Questions.
Heat rising.
Blood...
Why do I constantly think about how much he has hurt me? How I always feel betrayed? How I wish he was here right now-//that even if he were here he doesn't care if I cry in front of him// but still I let him in. Why do every time I have a chance to fix things I fuck it up? Why is it so hard to remember the happy times? Why is it that I amplify the painful times so much. It's so hard remembering all the times he would kiss my forehead and call me 'dear'.
I'm so done with feeling like I am never enough. Done with watching him walk away. Done with hearing 'I can't take care of you right now but I will.' Everything I do, It's for us.'

The images will not go away & I fuckin hate him.

&..... at the same time, I hate the idea of hating him so much. I want to forgive him every single time. I have disrespected him so many times and he never once said I don't love you anymore.
Why is it that I don't want him to look at another female/Ha! ..but that's too late. He's fucking them more now than ever.
Where the fuck did my happiness with Ryan go?!
The same person is still breaking my heart since '09.
I need to grasp on to that escape door like my life depended on it. But I can't find it right now. 2 fucking days later and nearly forgotten who I am to him.
Am I really so pathetic that despite what both my friends and family say I would do it over and over again?
I'm jumping all over the place now.
Moral of this story. You reap what you sow. & deep down I must be one sorry person...


No woman no Cry- Bob Marley