There goes my hero (My 2 piece special)

This Chinese woman quit and sold her house and car in order to adopt over 1,500 dogs and 200 cats.

Ha Wenjin started out with only a few dogs, but gradually expanded until she had her own animal shelter that she had to tend to full-time. She even has 12 workers helping her (10 for the dogs and 2 more for the cats). Additionally, she had a number of volunteers.

I love this lady, she unmistakably put her money where her mouth is. An angel on earth. Her ambition, gives me hope.

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“But I miss him.”

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

Sooo it's officially a new year

I'm currently lying across my bed in just a t-shirt waiting for my parents, and the rest of my family to get home from church. Yeah I had to be at work tonight. I don't have the tv on so I didn't see the ball drop. I hear fireworks and possibly gun shots but I don't see anything but the words that I'm typing.

New Years Resolution!

(Somethings will be followed somethings wont, it's life: &It all started with a plan.)

• I will do well in school, major in my major
• I will create enough art to sell at any given anime convention
• I will find balance between pleasure, work and all the in between
• I will travel more
• I will find a better, higher paying job
• I will be a good volunteer
• I will be a better friend
• I will research more
  
• I will ride my bike past the pain, around the reservoir, along side Lys.
• I will stay in shape, and eat & drink healthy (although I love my curves)
• I will send all my loving to you.#music note
  

A Clean Heart

"Would you tell me which way I ought to go from here?" asked Alice.

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get," said the Cat.

"I really don't care where" replied Alice.

"Then it doesn't much matter which way you go," said the Cat.

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Inspiration penetrates my thoughts, pounding a hollow wave of energy whenever I actually take the time to listen
-- & I am very grateful for being alive. More than I ever have ever been. I have things to work towards and people to live for. I am not alone; I admit that I still have my doubts but slowly I'm starting to find a friendship in this new me. As if a weight is lifting, simultaneously; I wanna take on more of these ideas that have yet to induce an inception.
I have plans for myself, that seem a little more personal than I can remember. I see change and I see strength. Maybe it's due to my age; for once I kinda feel like 19 years means something. I find myself talking more about things I am not to sure of, and I am proud. I still am a crybaby but I am becoming a bit more organized.
I am finding forgiveness and acceptance under every pillow case. This isn't an easy process! My mind wants so hard to remind me of my failures and to question things that no longer need answers. I still feel jealousy and rage and pain and guilt and weak. I still reminisce and worry but now, I have help. Through prayer I'm finding a calmness, and assurance that everything is the way it is, simply because it is.
(& I'm OK with that of course.)
I see where I must re- build and place my trust and where I need to iron out past persecutions.

Vindicated.
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Last night I did something I didn't expect to happen for a very long time. I was content with not ever seeing them face to face again but It happened anyway. Minus, the one I probably longed for the most, Lauren & Claire joined me for dinner at this lovely Thai restaurant. They too had not seen each other in a while, but surely kept in touch more than I had tried to in years I guess. The moment came and went; we laughed, and caught up briefly. I felt much more lighter than the last few times I cared to remember. I felt like falling back into the blissful pattern of sleepovers and notebooks. These girl were once very important people to me, and the warmth we all radiated towards each other indicated to me that the feelings were much mutual. [With no strings attached] I would love to re enact this encounter we shared that night. We all drive, we are all talented and diverse and we all know how to have 'a good time.' Love.

*Just for grins

You are still beauty [noun] to me & just because I don't see what you see - nor understand how; doesn't make you any less.

[Never forget the things that once made you smile.]

I guess this is just my rant of the night. Although, having these thoughts on my mind in the first place isn't really beneficial to my desired change on scenery...
I'm feeling a little blue. In a matter of a week I've heard more than enough cynical remarks made by Ron. All of which; I do not doubt where truly spoken [I obviously proved him right again, who can blame him?]& at the same time; I wish these feelings weren't so true.
It's dazzling how we people are. We wake up in America, roll out of bed in Baltimore and yet when we leave out the front door enter completely individualized worlds. we are capable of sitting side by side in a car and yet going in two totally different directions. I can't help but to smile.

Smile & cry at this utter resentment.
I brought this upon myself.
I felt so helpful, so friendly, so open, so willing, so aloof in my own selfish goals to crack the code, to expose this potential I just knew lie waiting, to be loved and praised. I saw it all in my head! I was wrong, so so so wrong, it [reality] doesn't bend to our request without genuine sacrifice. & even then, things can get a little ehh...
I was wrong in ways I did not see, I did not wish to see. By doing only what I knew how to do - I really didn't do much now did I?
I had no idea that by acting in this shortsighted way I became incapable of truly dealing with issues that were over my head, I mustv'e missed all the signs. [You can't bullshit a bullshitter ] Maybe I was infact the worst friend he had. What he needed and what he had..just weren't the same to me. Maybe I was no friend at all. Deep down I was too busy worrying about what I was going to gain, & trying not to step on any toes. I had my attitude way out of line for this & I am sorry.

So tonight before I go to sleep I will again speak to myself, my core. I want to change.
This year for christmas I would like some authentic wisdom, spirituality, patience, courage, humility, & love....

What you get is what you give & vice versa

Death of Devotion

Snow fell today.
This is my December. Let this be a lesson
Last week I think it was, I had a full day of laughter and dauntlessness & that night I had time to myself to lie within myself. To talk to my heart; asking if it could please give a crack at opening it's teensy eyes. I know that for years they have been caked closed by the dust of this world, but not heavily enough that they cannot budge. I asked my core for strength and for patients. Of course nothing happened right away & most likely wont in the "near" future- but I haven't stopped asking.

I am so sorry.

I've forgotten what it's like ... to deal with myself. To really think about how I feel. How and why I react. I think there were times when I did, but lately. Just being alone doesn't mean I'm understanding myself. Just because I opt. to stay in the house from time to time doesn't mean I'm so comfortable with who I face in the mirror. When giving (what I think is) my all only gets rewarded with stinging silence - a bead of light, a crack in pursed lips. It doesn't really mean much does it? That's when I give up. I cry hard and tell myself to let go of what's hurting me.

Feeling twisted and confused. Focused on nothing of use, angry and frightened; like a wounded animal I struggle back into the bushes to heal and without a doubt find a new path to make an entry. I too have lost, I've pointed the finger and in some cases pulled the trigger first - I wanted to be right, but the battle between right and wrong, your way, my way it doesn't exist.

That's why I want to push myself even more... I want to be, need to be more kind, useful, bold, more assertive, forgiving.... I need to practice being strong. I believe in myself, more than ever. I have the tools all I need is a little inertia. To put a stop to this search for answers through lives I do not need to waste my time in. I can over come this. I can over come that- I'll think I'll start with this, cause this is where it's at. :)

Happy Holidays