Your efforts are lacking,M'lady

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

Things are changing for me, change is kinda sad and scary and exciting all at once. For the most part, I truly feel as though I do not dwell in the real world. Because of my imagination I see things as if it where an anime, for the most part. My future plays out as any 15, 16 year old anime character would have it. Excluding, Giant robots, Magical Girls and insanely strong demons and angels. Things like Pokemon, epic battles, theme songs, talking pets, cyborgs, dramatic entries and exit are all capable of existing in my world. As if I wish to see no other way. I see the boy of my dreams, being crazy over me, when there's nothing to gain from it. I see me farming my own little Mary land of small children calling me teacher or sensei for that matter. I see many colors, cute clothes and food daily. That's just how I am I guess. Is it something I'm proud of? Sometimes... Of course on other days I wish I could be more serious, then maybe I would be taken more seriously. I am content for now. I have a job, or two or three. I have a car, a family. I am capable of working out, eating out and getting my hair maintenance. I try hard to take care of myself because I want to be dependable and useful.

Lately however, I have dug a small grave for myself. I wish I were more independent for there's a constant level of closeness that I really need from the person I love. If I were stronger I wouldn't feel so ruined knowing that I can't count on that affection when I need it.
What are my choices? What do I believe that I deserve in this life? Where can I accept sacrifice, and where can I not?
Ba da bum bum bum ..bum.

So CCBC still has some unfinished business with me. I will end up back in it's clutches Spring semester. That's the plan for now at least. I want more than a repeat of last semester. It'll be harder, I know. But I must change my thought process for this, maybe in advance. I'll have to definitely quit a job and dry out another because I need time to focus, and study!
I still wanna be a teacher right? (right?) Math, Art, and what ever else follows behind those to subjects need as much attention as I wish I had on call.
I still have time to work things out though. The holidays are coming up &... (deja vu)
....

अलविदा

Happy Days Are Here Again / Get Happy (Glee Cast Version)

I can't seems to stop hitting replay everytime I listen to this song. :)

Here comes the Bride

"Is there anything about this scene you can change Shay?" I ask myself.

Well is there? I can choose what I taste, what I hear, from what angle I see it, how it feels; I should still have that power should I not? Why is it that when I feel bad, I talk to myself to get the answers? Maybe Lsytra was right, maybe sometimes I do need to look outside myself.

I'm scatter brained lately. I'm being self- preservingly stuborrn, or was it self-defeatingly stubborn?

So I've come into quite a bit of money latey, more than what I'm use to at least. &So, what am I going to do with it you ask? Save, duh. Well for the most part thats what I will do. I made a list at work today of the things that seemed most important to deal with sooner than later; & then a much smaller list of wants [things I feel like I should just get out of the way so that my dreams arent plauged with the cuteness.]

................. Idk what else to add here, uh the Holidays are soon approching I wonder if my family is going away for christmas or just sitting around the fire. I would really like to travel. Kelitah is already 'setting sail' for NYC lasted I check.

Passage from Eat.Pray.Love(Kinda cheesy but makes a pretty picture in my mind.)
"To find the answer you want," Ketut spoke through his translator,"this is
what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth
that it's like you have four legs,instead of two. That way, you can stay in the
world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look
through your heart,instead. That way, you wil know God."

Forever. Never. Ever.

I wonder if that "little ass girl" she was talking about was in reference to me?
Anyway...
I've been trying to update a lot lately. I start a paragraph or two, add a picture then open a new window. I'm not sure how to start, or what I want to express. I'll start with the positive I guess; yesterday morning I went jogging around the reservoir downtown near the Baltimore Zoo, I jogged and speed walked and moaned and groaned but I did not once sit down or stop moving my feet until it was over. My new friend in training Juwan was there, coaching me through the whole thing, the event itself was his idea. He's a track runner and well, stuff like that was just a walk in the park. I was so proud of myself though. I had came out of myself (shell) more than I thought was possible... My body felt, and well still feels relatively numb. :) I can't wait to do it again.

eat. pray. love

I'm slowly starting to bring my vision board to life, I want to stay committed to the idea that I need a new dog in my life. I plan to do some book research and even offer my service to this one kennel in Reistertown. I want to work for animals... That's an idea that comes and goes, like a boomerang. I need to make up my mind! I need some guidance, I need some humility, I need some energy, support, patience, motivation& love.

"God dwells within me, as me"

Darling, You will be alright. Everything will be alright. Please don't be afraid of your own light. Try not to let others define how you should see yourself, all your aspirations and reasons to smile are important to you and will keep you alive. Find your balance and if you allow me I'd love to me there because in teaching others we teach ourselves right?
Cya Later, Alligator.