A sound Soul dwells withing a sound Mind & a sound Body

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye.

Today was rather productive, I took care of myself and my dog -who is rather sick right now.
I left my phone upstairs and stayed off of social networks. I listened as the rain came and went. I've been sitting in this chilled basement, drawing. Working hard on my characters and partially watching anime re runs. I am starting to feel empty again. I don't need another transformation - not like this. I don't want to run away, run back or around.
Ahead of myself, ahead of time.
Two nights ago I heard a lot, but only took in pieces. I turned to people that I didn't truly feel a closeness too and took in our time together more than the advice. I went from angry and hurt to defeated and renewed. What Justin shared with me hit a soft spot. An old spot that I feel those un capable of dealing with an intertwining of personalities seem to be a perfect get away. I wanted to consider the lack of feeling, if only for a while. At the same time I fight my dreams and there meanings.
Why do I want things that I know can hurt me?
I want to talk to people again who I know I've let down.
When did I stop focusing on things other than myself?
I can do it alone. I can stand alone, save up on my own, laugh on my own, create on my own, study on my own, cry on my own. I can -but I should do everything I know I can handle. It's all about self control right?.
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.
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I just think I need to hear someones voice right now.

HIV Negative

"I too am alone. It's sad being alone. It's painful. I felt that way too.
But if we're together, at times we may hurt each other, and we may even part.
But, that is not the end. I'll always be with you."

Good Evening. I'm currently watching Super Size Me for the first time, the documentary about the (McDonalds) food industry. It makes my stomach hurt more than it already does. Yesterday to this very moment have been .... a little out of the ordinary. & by that I guess I mean, it hasn't been as chill as normal.
I lost interest in all the lover scandals floating around, it is what it is.
Partially because now more than ever I'm really starting to hate the whole idea, of love that is. I realize that I'm still young,but I get upset when I sit and think about how I can't get it right.
I haven't had enough experience, I'm sure but right now I'm blinded by failure. I'll pick myself up soon I'm sure but at this point, I want only to withdrawal certain emotions. Not out of fear but self preservation (is that still fear?) I mean, I want to ... but on my terms & that isn't possible as made clear a few hours back.
I feel sick and I'm making myself sick. Change my habits... I feel that's what my heart needs of me right now. As for my brain.. it seems as though my brain is to blame for my desires to stay connected. I don't want to fade, just a memory to those I saw in my future. I want to be myself and yet still get noticed, fought for, encouraged.
I don't give enough for that wish to come true yet. I am not intimate, I am not truly flirtatious. Young, naive, and misunderstood.

Circles

Sometimes, this life has a funny away of making us walk around in circles, like crickets on an old timey record player. We can put so much effort into moving where we think is forward only to find out we did not get anywhere.
I remember having such great hope for me and those I would be involved with. Taking that speech communication class last Fall semester seemed to be just the antidote I would need to quit acting like such a stage frightened little girl.
One stop shops; quick fixes, they only seem to allow you to view the progress or lack there of even more. They point out the distance of the separation of whatever you deemed a problem in the first place. How clumsy.
Till this day, I still have some of the same issues when it comes to getting important thoughts across. I wish those who took everything I say, or don't say so seriously, not before asking questions - which in turn could I guess help me reboot. Of course there is no special manual that comes with getting to know me, nor is it available upon request. I just know that there is much that I don't know; about this world, my plans or myself.
Life is determined by the choices we make. Everyday.

I just need some more time, and then everything will be fine. Seasons are changing and new paths are unfolding for everyone around me - I hope that, ... hope; I still have some left.

Anyway, So you know how I made that wack ass hate post? I was thinking of making a love one... only that list will be too long and still wont cover everything, I want to be a lover. I want it, I try to give it, maybe I should try to support it a bit more too. Ignorance can run deep :/

So Far I really like my new job, I should be getting my first pay this Friday. I hope to stay with them past the holiday seasons. I should also practice lifting weights at home, I'm sure it'll help out my poor noodle arms. AMC can SMD, I'm through jumping at every crack of the whip.

.... minds drawing a blank now. G'night.

Tuff Cookie

So yeah... i plan to blog a lot more starting now.... but as for right now,.. my plan is to just, simply cry myself to sleep tonight. Yup. Goodnight readers...

Outro Music "Rejazz" By Regina Spektor