What I want for xmas

So what I want Is

• To not to be stuck in the magical kingdom ..alone.
• I want an Ipod [nano or touch]
• [MAC]Laptop
• Across the Universe soundtrack
• H&M clothes
  

It's Been Too Long

It seriously has been too long since I wrote on here. I feel bad that I can honestly say I didn't miss it [the break]. I mean really.... looking back at all my previous emotions makes me not want to continue...... *sigh* ANYWAY.

Right now, I am content. Super content. So content that I'm bored. I think I want to start trouble ... I have so many opening it seems like... but eh, Shayla is really not that type of person on the outside :]

This past Friday was a grand day indeed. Romes er, 21st b-day I believe. We went bowling. waaaah

• Woodlawn Lanes is awesome
• Chili Cheese fries are the devil
  
• My team was awesome
• Pnut is a Pro
  
• We won

____________________________________________________________________


So yeah, I've been playing house with a certain someone. This maybe one of that best mistakes I've ever made..... . I've ben' losing and loving friends fast but hey, everything happens for a reason right? Everything.

Things that make me happy as of now. [the month of Dec.]

• Kages soul
  
• Lystras words
• Luminaras innocence
  
• Soul eater
• Mangos & Pomegranates
• My glasses
• Reading Eragon [sike!]

Uncoil

dare datte shippai wa suru nda
hazukashii koto janai
kono kizu o muda ni shinai de
waratte arukereba ii

SO. Let me re~ introduce myself.
I am Shayla. I'm seventeen and I LOve loVE.
It's pretty much impossible for me to hate someone. Love & Peace!
The reason for all my recent failures was me not knowing myself. I've always been too hard on myself... all that has changed now, I feel completely opposite. Its amazing. I'm amazing. Heheh, I'm serious this time.

• Once you'd hit rock bottom you can only go back up. //sign>

I've been driving with my mom every chance I can get, It feels good. Im still an extreme novice but I've defiantly have built confidence behind the wheel. Watch out now.

uuuum, Anime USA was pretty rad. I went with Kelitah but we parted as soon as we got there. EEgh. I'm not going to lie I was pretty damn lonely, but I made up for it with my excessive spending. i have the coolest hat ever! Ah Ive been wearing it everyday. I also got a rather intresting plushie, don't even ask me to pronounce the dudes name - I have no idea.

I saw [in person] Kage the other night. Can we say extreme burst of emotion? from both sides none the less. I won't go into detail. However, there's a sneaky little smile upon my face. ...

Could this be out of line?

Course not, it's my own life! Shoot.

Updates

Ok, So I really don't plan on updating until I see a difference in my attitude about everything.




Why is being positive so hard???

Little one [So warm]

It's over little one. The storm has passed. So let down your umbrella, dry your eyes & let go of that vice grip on your 'bleeding' heart. Smile that beautiful smile of yours. You had your time, you learned to share things truly important to you. Now it's time to just be selfish. You need to see yourself as the most important person alive. You don't need a dude in your life to feel anything but natural. You don't need to be intimate with anyone right now, there's no rush. Patience Please. Mrs. independent. Your going to do great things, if, and only if you keep up your spirit. Don't show your loneliness to anyone ever again, ya hear me?
Believe it or not you have truly become an inspiration to some already. Simply by getting back up after such an extreme case of loyalty destruction. Your young, give your heart a rest. It's done well for its first time. & So, just continue to be strong & Strive for only the positive things. Follow your own path & be excited that for once your not anyone's shadow but, perhaps their shade. It must be nice, being so close to the top you can touch the clouds. Be there for only the people who want to be there for you. It takes no energy to avoid superficial behaviors. Actions always speak louder than words - You should know that well. Have faith. Stay creative. Have determination, motivation and never stop loving love!

The Notebook

Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.

Stronger. Calling all the shots

Last night I felt it! I really did! I've gotten stronger, better control. It took a lot of concentration but I did not falter. I was caught off guard [by that phone call and all], but that didn't stop me. I stared at my reflection proud of what I saw. Confidence is innocence.

I've forgiven all these burdens I still carry and kissed them on the cheek goodbye.

You can do it Shayla, I know you can.

• I got my permit ^_^
  
• Finally ventured to Lys house
• went on an erm, date with Jerron [whomp whomp, didn't count]
• fell in love with music again
• Sir is my big sister <3>

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Follow your bliss

& Someday.... I'll wake up & realize I gave up everything.
I can not continue going on like this.
Crying & dwelling on the past. Waiting for someone... anyone to come pick up the shard of hope and trust I no longer have. Life is just too short.
I want to move on ..& away.
I am strong and I have a fire inside burning so bright I'm blinded. It's stronger than anything feeling I ever felt - its just too afraid!

//*sigh* Why can't I believe myself?

Cause I'm still stuck in this melted muck of memories, what ifs, why me?
I STILL HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS! repeating over and over again... like a broken record or scratch CD.

//Never satisfied.

Fear //a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. \\

Here I Am

SO just shut up and here me out. Kthnx.
Lol today was whack. Except for the fact that I brought some shoes from the goodwill and reconnected with Danni ^_^[80/20 Rule!]
I'm still kicking and screaming you guys. Only right now I think really wanna start drawing again, but Idk what about .... abstract.

I hate it, when I have to pretend to be happy about this. Your so much better off without me....

Kay enough emo shit. I reallllllly wanna go to the aquarium Friday. *sigh* but I don't know how to tell my boss no means no. hehehe *tear*

I'm not cool enough yet

The most emo-est song

.... discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will i stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how i can't seem...
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and i'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
i've felt this way before
so insecure.

• Why so serious? Pass
• Are you happy yet, I heard you weren't in love anymore? Pass
• Why do you keep giving yourself so much hope? Pass
• Why does this .... keep happening? Pass

I think I need a hug.
Lol no seriously... I'm starting to feel like I haven't been touched in forever [not in that way! but then again.... ]. I miss the feeling of another in my arms. Warmth. Energy flowing. Transcending. I don't want to lose that, not ever. I don't ever want to stop feeling.
But this journey... I just feel like I have no choice but to be alone. I can't rely on others.


[[I swear I saw you today. You drove right pass me. ]]

Bright & Lovely

*Cough* So Yeah, Someone inspired me to uhh... "be my own sun"
and sooo, heres a drawing a drew [completely original]
It's kinda like my logo? now.
btw. It's suppose to be a sun.
Too bad I'm too black to get it tattooed.
^_^

Now Wait Just A Minute...

Ok. Wow. Can we say roller coaster!?
Jesus this is getting old!
WTF is wrong with this world? I need to leave America as soon as possible the very air we breathe must have some of connection with how 'people are just stupid as shit' these days.

Selfish bastards that speak of love and peace but only know how to make love then peace out.

Life is about [the pursuit of] happiness no?
Well, To me, that's the same BS and saying love makes the world go round. I so effin pissed right now. It just might be because I'm still young, but again JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Guys are so different from girls. haha Although I'm pretty sure we all learned about that way back when - I just wonder how many people really broken that concept down over the years. *sigh* Lys. I'm so sorry.

Life sucks, you make mistakes, you accomplish something great...then you die.

I'm pretty sure I'm purposely being really dramatic right now, but there's no other way to cover ... this up.

Here I go again, thinking about you. Me and you. her and you.
It's like I'm living in a nightmare
[wtf. Can't my mind just shut the fuck up for about a week?]

love is dead, love is gone, love don't live here anymore. remember that.

I thought I was free from this. I was told that the more you speak it into existence the faster it'll become reality. ...
Why is it that the harder I try, the harder I fall?
There must be an outside reason.
A curse
Gravitational Pull
Newtons Law
Darwins Theory
A promise
An ordeal
divine intervention!?


lmao.






Blah. I'm deleting this blog in a few days. watch

Sunny

Vindicate.
- to clear, as from an accusation, imputation, suspicion, or the like: to vindicate someone's honor.

Hmmmm, talk about a change of pace you guys. Heh, Its kind of strange, my last few blogs where an extremely accurate depiction of my feelings. Hopefully I can convince myself long enough that this current one is also %100 accurate; not just a cover up. I mean, what good is lying to myself these days? Heh. You see that?... I laugh, I smile.
I'm becoming ... someone different, I can feel it with ever fiber in my body. It's exhausting though... like a snake shedding it's skin or a man lifting weights for hours.

rotfl. i think.... i love myelf now too. ^=^

[[And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself]]

I DO EXIST

She Doesnt Exist [Close the door]

All that's left is me myself & I
I have a new goal and a new person to find. Only she doesn't want that.

Bitter.

She was forgotten. No one wants to be forgotten.

[[So......... should I just let her ..... drown?]]

I so sorry... but I can't save you. I just can't... you can't exist anymore. There can only be just me

ME. (the present & future)

.
.
.
.
.

Goodbye. Stop knocking

HIS to ME

I went from 'His' to just 'me'.
I was him, he became me.
Then he became hers, which turned into they.
no more us.
just them and me.
Now there's I, & I have to find me so that one day there will be a you.
You and I
Us.

Death.

Why does my heart cry? Feelings I can't fight.

Your free to leave me but just don't deceive me

And please believe me when I say

I love you.

Creative writing homework

Acceptance Speech
Indeed I must confess
Septembers about love sex and death
gangster life
???
he doesn't "want" you
I dont know how I feel about that line
what happens continues to happen
more or less until we die
your hideous and sexy
(psyco)
the poets conception of hell
hang overs and phone calls
he [still] doesnt want you
ok, where open now
agg tag glatmoogen
sounds like a German cake
a dizzy climax of terror
... he had it coming.

Just who am I trying to fool here?

Intuition noun. direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ So here it comes again. These feelings. I'm sick of this. ....Kage you fucking destroyed the world I thought I knew. How did it come to this. I feel so ...........awake..... My heart and my mind.... theyre not working together anymore My heart still loves you. ..... Still loves you. Just come back... say your sorry, stalk me, cry, beg...cause It'll be worth it. [Shayyyyla. Your a cute girl the right one is out there for you. Focus on other things. I'm here for you if yyou ever need to talk. Forget about him, you don't deserve this. I hate seeing you this way. What do you even see in him. Your so nice. ] I'm sick of hearing this. I. DON'T. CARE. You were the only one that ever really mattered to me. Things would/ could be so differnt. I'm not fine with or with out you. Don't say I'm better off..... [alone] I think I'm waiting for you forever and havent even realized it yet. Shit Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish. -------------------------------------------------------------- [Conversation with myself.] What the fuck. Can't I just die and be reborn wiser?. Why would you do that to the people who love you? Cause This life doesnt make since. Your just over thinking again Its better than running in the dark even for what seems like a sec. you must learn patience or you'll always be seen as imm... imma...what?! immature. tch, there's so such thing as the perfect time. why can't i act now instead of worrying of about the future. Its the future thats holding you back right now. no its my past. .... my past? your afraid of what you can become. youre afraid of chance no! give yourself a chance. focus. meditate. I cant! i cant think straight for longer than. just do it. do it for yourself but i love him. i really do. i swear to you i really think i need him, his ideas, his soul near mines. hahaha. well then wait. wait for what....? wait for him then shayla. he'll come back to you. ha

So Quickly

Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Upset because we can't make it right. Sad because I need you day and night. Angry because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don't understand. Disappointed because we can't be together, but still I'll love you forever.

Blah Blah Blah

Forever? Pfft. More like until an amazing and inspiring person enters my mind and fills up this crater.
Yeah so right now, I love you. I love you so much because ..... damn. Wait what??

Another Girl

what the fucking hell have you done?

Just an Idea....

I NEED TO BE MORE FUCKING GRATEFUL

My Day

Yesterday and Today have been well, different. Never saw them coming thats for sure.
I had another emotional flare up, break down, whatever you wanna call it. One of the worse I've had in a while. Unfortunately my Mom had to be there. I love her so much but I hate the fact that I feel like I can go to her for about almost anything. & so I did. I let her know how I wanted to end my life - I'm sick of feeling the way I do. .. . the night went on. Me crying out of shame her crying while making countless calls to get me help.

Grrrmph. I swear I have so many more reasons to hate myself even more. A stupid teenager obsessing over a stupid teenage relationship gone sour? WTF. When will I grow to have the strength I need to take care of myself? Aah, well ... I can't type it all with out getting teary eyed . It can't be help though. Feeling that way will get me no where. I'll be fine. & you know what, there is still hope ....... and I won't.. I can't let it go.

-----

The next day [well today obviously], this amazing friend found his way into my heart again and again and again...

Diante I love you so much.

We Spent That Day, And We Laughed And We Smiled And
We Played..And With Everything Right, Not A Problem In Sight
I Pray That This Moment Would Stay . .. .. Oh, I Have Been Waiting For All Of This Time...
Finally Found You, My Love Has Arrived
Once There Was Me, Now There's You And I.

After Diante, I was faced with another [unplanned] surprise. Ashley wanted to hang with me.
Yeah. That Ashley. We drove all the way up to Bel Air to visit an old friend of hers and to have a few drinks.
Sure I was giving the option to stay home before hand, but I couldn't wait.
Over all, all I had was two mixers and one shot of this yummy tasting "vanilla sky". Although her friend got totally shit faced the two of us held our own and shared many stories and created new memories. We sobered up at a near by waffle house. MMhmmm. Waffles.

I'm not saying I'm going to be a drinking fool now [although thats most likely was not a one time thing] but today what I realized was that there are people in my life, and they were put there for a reason. On top of that, about 3 differnt people called/txt me out of the blue today also... just wanting to talk. Wow. If this wasn't a sign idk what else is.

Random Updates

• I love my mom more than any of you hoes.
• My pants came in the mail yesterday >_>
  
• School is in...about a week *sigh*
• ..... Bring it on
• I start driving school Sept. 6
• SixFlags Trip Aug. 19 th ?
• Stephs Birthday Aug 17 th?
  
• I haven't gotten any back to school clothes or material yet *tear*
• I promise to never end my own life, or harm myself for attention
• [cause thats all it is... ]
• I have no clue who I am or what I'm doing right now
• I my next friend will fall from the sky
  

How Close is Close Enough??

I'm sort of going off topic for a bit right now, but heres the thing. I really miss the old Avril. I was going through some of my old CDs and found hers. Its amazing the effects songs can have on a person. Music just screams the words I'm too afraid to speak.

"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain"

-Bob Marley

Right now - I don't feel as alone because when I listen to Avril sing about a guy thats done her wrong; only then does what everyone else say [oh it'll pass, been there done that, youe not the only one... blah blah blah] have meaning. I'm not saying I'm just like Avril or we can relate .. it's just that I understand more of how the heart works, what its capable of.
This very instant, as her soundtrack plays, I've grown to forget about all my pain, knowing the lyrics from memory and reciting them under my breathe - I'm letting go.
I'm giving my mind and heart to come together right now.

Right now, I'm all that matters.


Strength.

The highlight of the summer

OTA [*FUCKING] CON.
*details coming soon*
*details Updated*

Ok Soooo. My dreams of a complete perfect 2 .5 days did not go to waste. I truly enjoyed myself at Otakon 2008. I took control of almost every situation and was granted happiness & satisfaction in it.
For one, I stayed energetic: Rarely sitting down just to sit, going out of the way just for food, or being the wallflower at the rave. [*I actually asked a few guys to dance ]
For two, I kept myself entertained weather I was alone or not : Stalking Monique [Yes, I finally did meet my sex god. one would think my life could've ended right after that. lol], Making candy sushi, attending my own personal photo suite, walking in on random workshops, shopping, dueling, attending the masquerade for the first time ever [& It was soo worth it. Very funny and talented otaku really do exist!] & of course the rave again. ^_^
&& Finally, the people I was with: Mainly Danni: We had fun, Kage, Riot, Chris, Pnut, Jasmine, Monique, Kelitah &Khayla [back for round 2] We all took time out of our [schedules] to just hang out together & Kept in touch the whole time. It was nice. No matter how much I knew it would hurt later .. the fact that Kage and I forgot how to act like just friends. I kept smiling and living in the moment.. If only everyone could do that.

Hmmm. So when shall I start the count down for 2009??

"Sometimes the only sense you can make out of life is a sense of humor."

Love Stoned

We make a funny pair. You & I. Like a bloodsucking leech and it's host, a remora and a great white, crack and its abuser.

How many cracks does it take to shatter a heart? I'll find out soon enough. Yes. As long as this foolish organ of mines remains so damn stubborn, it'll eventually get its just desserts. My love.

End of Heartache.

Your my addiction. & i hate it. i hate you. I hate this..what ever this is. bum.

you are .. a dark ocean bottom.
and I am. a fast sinking anchor.
should I fall for you??

Lost

Lost in time. My words have become lost in time. They've escaped me yet again.. Just like so many others. It's amazing how fast I throw away the good things I experience. If not fully discarded, just pushed to the side. Replaced with worrying and heartache.




Why does this always happen?


Why can't I just find acceptance? [I d...wont accept myself or others for who they really are]. I pity and down myself without hesitation, and for what. Attention??
I just want to put an end to myself sometimes.

confidences lies from with in. Well,... why the hell can't I summon it!
My system is corrupt.


I have to continue making an effort. I'll let others down for as long as it takes.

Seventeen

Instead of Writing it all out, I gave myself a Q&A

1. How old are you? 17 as of 7/12/2008
   
2. What did you do you for your birthday? Have a cookout
   
3. How many people showed up? UUUUmmm, about 16- 18[Jaime, Lauren, Troy, Kage, Shannon, Peanut, Tanesha, Stephan, Jerron, Andy, Sir, Amy, Danni, Diante, Darian, Shaun, Niecy, Jasmine & Kelitah]
   
4. Did anyone not show? Juliette, Steph & Claire. [But thats OK you guys >_<]
   
5. What was the best moment that you can remember? Tough one. I laughed so much. Uh, I guess cracking the glow stixx. It looked so pretty.
   
6. Did you eat a lot? No! i barely even sat down. I had too much energy.
   
7. Was is how you imagined? In a way.. [of course I imagined alot more attention from a certain someone >__> ]
   
8. Did anything go wrong? Those losers popped my ball! It was so pretty and I got it just for that day. Also, I played Guitar Hero like a n00b! guh -.-;
   
9. Did anyone cause trouble? Not really. Boys will be boys, the worse thing was when Sir turned of the video game on the guys playing Tekken.
   
10. Did you have a crush on anyone there? Lmao. according to dog boy. I had 5 guys to many. But Um,... *avoids question*
    
11. What did your boyfriend get you? .... jack shit. What boyfriend
    
12. I know you song Happy birthday right? Nope. I sang and danced for everyone tho. WTF.
    
13. Music? Yeah. But it kept getting cut off x_x. Daft Punk rocks!
    
14. Games? The best game was hide & seek in the dark, but with glowstix. XD. Guitar hero &.. oh crap! I forget truth or dare and that card game. fail ;-;
    
15. Gifts? Um, I got money, a ball poster thing, a glowing seal, & a blowpop
    
16. What time did everyone leave? last persons to leave left around 12 a.m.
    
17. Well Shayla, Overall, did you have fun? I did. I got a glimpse of what its like to feel special and all that jazz.
    

Lawlz

Apocalyto

[Woe. Almost forgot about this site. Heheh. ]
Updates.
So basically I've been working alot alot.

• No real time to myself.
• I feel crappy and Happy at the same time.
• Kage has ben my movie buddy. So far since Ive ben there we've seen Kung Fu Panda; The Incredible Hulk; Wanted; and Hancock together. Ive seen a few more alone of course, but um I honestly can say I love my job. Its doing its job of distracting me....
• My Dad is in Texas [hmmmmm]
  

Haven t really seen mah friends in a while. On vacation or not. I've made calls and attempts to get together but if that was successful I guess I wouldn't be complaining now. Whatever.
Saturday is my birthday. I'm not going to Kings Dominion anymore due to... technical difficulties. [See where optimism get you Jerron?] but I will being having a cookout. Yea... cause thats what 17yr old do. *sarcasm* I won't spoil anything but I'm sure I'll have a lot to write about afterwards. I'm pretty excited about it.
The 4th of July I spent with my mom. We went to the mall and I went shopping with my own money. That was a first and yea.. I felt happy. [Clothes and rave bracelets ^_^] Only I hate Hottopic cause they over price everything! shit. The rest of that night I spent working. No fireworks for me.
The only person I stay in contact with almost 24/7 is Troy. He text like a chick. lol. [bastard just got a ferret] But I'm glad though; my number one since of entertainment while at work.
Speaking of work, I hope Steph is doing well. Havnt really spoken to her about her job yet. I really want to see what her uniform looks like. Hmmmm.
So today I went to two cookouts. Ate hella Crabs. [the good kind that makes your nose run. lol]
I watched Apocalyto the other day and fell in love with it again. Idc what they say. Mel Gibson you rock!

I forgot what else I had to say. ..

Pride

GAY PRIDE *wink*

Lol. So yeah, I went to the Gay Pride Festival Saturday. It was,... I was lost for words. It was like Queer as Folks and The L word in 3D! hehe people making out every where I turned, Giant Drag queens walked the streets with swag.

There were a lot of sexy people there [gurls and guys]. I was with Kelitah and her two friends from work* [I'll come back to them]. Things were going great until my parents showed me how much they loved me by making up so many excuses as to why they couldn't pick me up. Kage ended up being my hero again but now I'm paying the price* I'll get back to this too.

When I got in, [a little after 11] what did they fucking say [or rather text]?

"Goodnight".
"Thank God."

.......................

Good Night I love you.

So yea, going back to Kelitahs friends the ones that drove us down town. They were like my role models. It was obvious they had been friends for a long time. While in the car they were so funny & vulgar, they had the best like idiosyncrasies like "pound my shit" XD
Yeah it was one of those you had to be there moments. but um... It made my so happy and sad and hopeful...

One day, I'll find you.

Now for the other asterisks. Kage isn't talking to me at the moment.. I'm not 100% sure why. But you know my brain just hass to have a panic attack. Im so paranoid. I keep hearing my phone ring or vibrate. I barely got any sleep last night or the nite before. I tried calling once or twice but that didn't work. Sigh. I made a vow with Danni that I wouldn't chase after him though. I at least owe that to myself. What an asshole! Asssssssssss Hooooooollllle.
So yeah. with him gone my self esteem is back to a negative 3 and the emo songs are back on repeat. I hope everyone else is having fun.
Oh yea, & also I'm apparently going to Kings Dominion for my BDay. .. I'm taking off alot next month. Or at least I'mma try too.. Hopefully it'll be worth it.

End

Taki, Sora, Riku, Ha, Kumo, kaze, Kusa

[Waterfall, Sky, Land, Leaves, Clouds, wind, and grass]
So this morning, I went on a nature hike. Lol yes, literally. Kage took me Sir Shannon and Chris early this morning to his [use to be] job site. There we [80% of just them] climbed mini mountains, walked on train tracks, threw rocks at a dead dog, swam in the lake next to a beautiful waterfall that I took a picture of, and jumped off this bridge into another lake. It was different, relaxing and peaceful. Being the only girl there I wasn't head over heels excited about the whole thing but was proud of myself for keeping up with everyone and just plain happy to be out of the house. We were gone for only about 4 hours but it felt like forever. When I got home I ate and crashed. Wouldn't mind doing it again actually :]

Marilyn Monroe

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go.
things go wrong so that you can appreciate them
when there right, you believe lies so you
eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together

Congradu[smuffin]lations !

I'm Officially a Senior Now~ !!
It's an O.K. feeling i guess. I'm more content in the fact that I won't be in school for the summer. The last day of school did not go as I had planned at all [but I put the blame on no one]. First off, it was hot as hell & so the two finals I had to take seemed very easy to me. Idk if thats a good thing, but being in class that day felt so weird haha, ma brain was on log off XD.
I didn't get to say goodbye to everyone I wanted too... but I'm not sure I had anyone specific to say goodbye too in the first place.
I was about a second away from taking the bus home but Steph encouraged me to hang with her so thats how I ended up going to her house then ending up at the mall. I had a pretty shitty time there. However, I learned alot:

• I don't think I like the mall like I use to
  
• my paranoia level defiantly rose
• "ask and you shall receive"
• Ice cream is the best 'pick me up'
  
• life's too short
• preppy stores really do make me dizzy
  

It only took a few hours there until I literally broke down. I left the group I was with, called my mom and cried my eyes out still walking casually around the mall and even ordering some much needed ice cream. It was kind of pathetic and I didn't want to go back to the girls looking like shit so I fixed my face and heading back to them with a perfectly new mask. That's was the last time I shed tears for you. Claire became closer to me after that, Steph too.
I felt like a better person when I got back also. I brought a cute rainbow star necklace and was drawn to the clothes in the last bit of stores, Steph and I rocked out to guitar hero for a few. It was funny when we all tried to squeeze into the photo booth and later pronounced my love for Kuromi. Which was came in handy cause while in Hottopic Claire paid half of what was the bag of my dreams. Ah! I love it so much, and I'm so thankful for her. I will pay her back in interest. We got back to Stephs house around 5 and instantly Claire and I had to but our big girl panties on. Steph was a mess when she thought her & Floyd had broken up. I was confident that they didn't [ Basing that solely off of me and Kages cycles.] We tried comforting her but at first nothing worked but then slowly she came around. We sat there in silence for a while as she worked things out online and then like I had for saw the two survived another obstacle. ^_^ I was truly happy for her and in general. We watched movies the rest of the time then left.

Flip Flop Flippity Flop

Weird title.....
I'm guessing it came from the fact that I brought 3 pairs of black flip flops today. Why? I'm not quite sure. Lol.

So yeah, Friday I saw Kung Fu Panda; it was great. I'd see it again.

Friday night and all of Saturday I spent working like a zombie again. Sunday I finally broke down and wore my outfit I brought from eBay.[I love it] I had a feeling I wouldn't be needing it the next day. Ironic much.
Speaking of the next day, tomorrow is the last day! I'm so happy I don't have any plans for the rest of the week. I plan on visiting Jamie again some time soon. I want the Red Family to plan something else.. and then again I don't. I also want to go to the lake Kage almost killed himself at. lol long story. Maybe I can do that tomorrow? *shurgs* I really hope he finds a job soon. I forgot what else I was gonna say...
so the end.

*PS. Shaun you write way too much dude*

God's Piss

So yeah apparently God's fury is nothing to reckon with. I found that out the hard way. What started out as a nice reunion with my pals; Peanut, Andy, Luminara, Ralph, Shawn & Shannon turned into one of those life changing, death cheating events. It all started at the Woodlawn library - a place I haven't been to in months. We all met up there. Then after that [and I'm not sure whose idea it was] we ending up walking to the mall. Things were going great for about the first 5 minutes - after that as the title suggest, God drank a 2 litter and pissed it all out. It was all fun and games at first, cracking emo jokes and walking in front of cars during rush hour. But then the nightmare occurred, the rain got stronger and harder and heavier. My tiny little umbrella was fighting with all its might and Peanut had to stay back with me to make sure I didn't get blown away. [Marry Poppins style[lmfao]] The journey across the parking lot seemed to take the longest on a count of I ran half of it. When we finally got of the rain I dropped onto the floor for a few. Ha, when we all reunited it was funny cause we looked like we all went swimming and forget to take our clothes off. My hair puffed up and we were all shivering our tails off. The whole time I remember laughing hard. It was deffinatly a new experience that I do not wish to be apart of again... unless I have a bathing suit. My mom came hours later took Peanut home first, then as soon as I stepped foot in my room stripped completely and warmed up in my comfy bath robe. ^_^ *takes long deep breath*

Tomorrow I'm bringing cookies and my camera. Better make the last days count ne? Screw finals....

My Pregnant Lady

Before anyone jumps to conclusions about my title; no, I'm not fucking preggo!
*cough*

But Kage is...
Idk how it happened but the Gods shall finally bless us with a sweet child o mine.
Hallelujah.


Lmao JK. but today we got into another dramatic argument in which a few tears fell, the f-bomb was dropped, i attempted to walk home, suggestions on breaking up, marrying.. and some more shit. *sigh* We chilled in our favorite spot for a while, laughing and falling in love again.

" It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride"

When I finally got home I just chilled, made plans with Luminara and then a very random Peanut called me. We talked for a long time, I was kinda shocked. It was also ironic seeings as how one of Kages biggest fears/ concerns mention today was that he cannot trust me with him [cuz apparently we're too close] bullshit. Well he'll just have to deal with that cause I love Peanut to death, he's like an older brother for lack of a better description. lol. I swear I'll get this whole situation worked out... well, 'help out' rather, as much as I possibly can. I cant stand to see people close to me suffering.

Thats my Ninja way of course!

• We all must get harder, better, faster, stronger
• Smurfs.. I've decided not to give on you all just yet.
  
• 7 More days of school and counting!
  
• Working is ruining my life... in a good way : )
  

Foot Massage

So yeah. My social life was "smoted" <-- the past tense of smite? this weekend. I had to work crazy hours. Still got to see "The Strangers" though. That was a piece of shit. I waisted my time covering my eyes. nothing happened! No riping intestines, piercings or sawing took place. Blah.

Kages mad at me, we haven't talked since Friday evening.
*sigh* Not now dude, I need you the most .

Starting tomorrow, theres only 8 more days of school. HO' shit.

Peanut; You made me burst out in laughter for absolutly no reason at work today & you were even near me. <3

What does it mean if a girl says shes has a "mean stroke" o_0 ???
- I'm not even sure I wanna know.

It's simple. .........
It's not up to me anymore.
If you want me in your life.
You'll find a way to put me there.

This week, it felt like things just kept going down hill for me, school wise.
In addition to failing two very important test, Old,... angry feelings I thought I buried resurfaced.
Once again, having me feel alone.

When & Why did I become this 'needy' person? Is it normal or I am i really just being dramatic as everyone says?

Is is such a crime to want someone to want and need me as much I want and need them?
It shouldn't be.

I thought things between her & i would get better since last week, but really... what has changed? Maybe I'm just being a fake, never satisfied coward. People change. End of story. As for the other one, I'm not reaching out towards her anymore. .. she's very busy, or at least I think she is & I don't want to be a burden. The little one,... well she's great i suppose. I can only stand to be in her presence for so long anyways. As long as I continue to express my feelings towards everyone I'll be ok for the most part.

heh.... who am I kidding

So yeah, Its 1:12pm right now. I go to work at 4 I really am excited about this- working at a movie theater- maybe if I keep my self busy, my mind will eventually lose interest in my selfish ness. That would be cool.

This is going to be a long weekend.
I've decided, that if I ever plan on cosplaying this year\... It'll be either Maka or a Vampire Knight

Friendship Hole

So yeah,...... I kinda sorta have a new whole in my heart..... It hurts. But thats reality no?


On a lighter note:
Job Opportunities a' knocking. lmao.

1. Cici's Pizza (on Rt. 40)
2. Panera (on Rt. 40)
3. & FiveGuys (Security Blvd.)

Report Card

• Art A
• English Hon. A
• Earth Science A
• Graphic Comm. B
• Algebra 2. C
• Worlds Hist. C
• Spanish 3. C

___________________________________________________________________

Lifes Report Card

• Love life_ B
• Friendship_ D
• Family_ B
• School_ [see above]
• Emotions_ C
• Physical_ C
• Spiritual_ ... [Jesus who?]
• E.M.O Research_ D

Red fam. Picnic

About 13 hours after prom I found my self heading to Stephs house. I was the last to arrive [no surprise] The girls seemed to have like a makeshift picnic outside.

The weather was so nice !

We sat out there for an hour or so then went is side to some good ol' food. After Lauren left we went to Arundel Mills to see Harold & Kumar. [Escape from G. bay]. I liked the first one better but it was still very graphic and funny. Afterwards I brought my skinny black [sex] bracelets from hottopic - it feels so good having my hard covered again.

Then, Kage came to pick me up and take me to the picnic [i was about 3 hours late so basically missed everything] Things were going great for a while, then the guys started dueling and people kept getting emo on me T_T. All of Niecys business got exposed to everyone - it was Kages fault. He had to go talk to everyone; Nicey flipped, Lamont left, and Peanut... cried? It was very emotional and some how needed. Peanuts world was slowly crumbling and all Nicey cares about is being with Lamont *sigh* Everyone yelled and held a conversation for like 2 hours straight I'm not sure on the final solution to everything. I was on the swing set.

blah blah blah.

Jr Prom and Other Updates

Yay~! So yesterday was almost like a dream, so much happened in one day it seemed un - realistic.
First off, as soon as I got out of school I went straight to the hairdressers.... I didn't leave out of there until almost six hours later. Kage was pissed and i was... super embarrassed cause my hair was soo different! like really, I'm not sure if I like it or not yet - but I'm most likely stuck with it for another week. ;-;

BTW. I'm super itchy right now.

Anyways, Fast forwarding all the thousands of compliments, photos taken and fun at dinner


AT PROM.

Theme: Fashion week in Paris

• The DJ sucked! Omg, he didn't play anything worth dancing too. I swear.

-heheh, but I did dance a lot though.

• Most re memorable dresses of the night: Dana, Erica, Kelsi, Helen and Me [lol!]

- Honorable Mentions: Everyone else. Haha, no really- everyone looked great!

• Juliete almost made me pass out, she's so damn funny! Kelsi is a really good dancer, she always seems so happy cause she skips around, Ash and I exchanged a few words that was cool, Oh & of course the Smurfs all looked really nice - [Steph .. the producers of Hairspray would be proud]
  

*scratch scratch*

• Chris & Tonya won Prom King & Queen. How nice

*scratch scratch*

• No after party, Kage just drove me home and we sat in his car until 12 something.
  

-I can tell that that day he tried so hard not to think about himself. It worked, I felt all warm inside. Im glad we gave each other space too - like during the dance. I was afraid I'd be all over him :)

The End
[not nessicarly a magical night,.. and probably a forgettable one. But I enjoyed it none the less.]

lmao

Saturday

• I did nothing for the first part of the day. Well, besides playing guitar hero. Its so addictivly depressing.
  

[Fav Song: Killing in the name by Rage against the Machine [med/ hard]]

After that, my dad treated my mom & I to dinner. We went to Olive garden; it was really good.
When we got home Kage came over and we went walking around the neighborhood. It was sooooooo funny! [Apparently he's not scared of people he scared or dogs].... so when I sugguestd to walk down this dark road he said "hell no!, we'll walk down the alley". All of a sudden a demon dog popped out of nowhere & started running towards us! he disappeared in like 0.002 seconds flat. I wasn't mad or scared, at the time, I was suffering from a heart attack. I was laughing so hard as he ran behind a car and left me there to die. LMFAO I couldn't keep up even if I wanted too. *wipes tear away* Turns out the dog was on leash cause it stopped chasing us as soon as it started. i swear it resemble something to the likes of this:

On the way back, we ran into my dad. The two shared a decent conversation for the first time in forever. I was so happy. I didn't get into the house until 12.
& That night i had nothing but nightmare's <3

T.G.I.[not].F!!

Kage actually surprised me by buying this shirt and jacket from an online store. I was really happy.


So its funny how history always seems to repeat its self. The cold war is the most common event ever; & no, I'm not being literal [nor am I going into detail about the matter].

The smurfs and I have terrible methods of getting in contact. Cell phones are suppose to be a thing of the future... meh. Whatever.
Well Friday, I went to my final audition for the modeling agency. I had about an hour audition and the woman seems to love me & my mom the entire time. To no surprise I made it. Yep, after a deliberation with the judges she came back in the room congratulating me. I must admit, it felt good. [I won. I stepped out of the box and convinced someone I could be worth something]. A half hour went by as she laid down all the planning and classes and life long opportunities i would have.
"You never have to pay agency"

"We only get 20% of the profit"

"You can make over $10000 depending on who wants you"

"Purchasing photos are very afordable"

"20 weeks of classes, every weekend"

"We are very flexible."

The fairytale went on.

Needless to say, at the very end the woman pulled out sheet of paper with the cost of everything. My smile instantly faded. $400 a month to attended the classes.... my mom was instantly turned off. [Do they think were stupid!?] We walked out of the studio with our best fake smiles.
In the car, my mom in I got into a mild argument. I told her this is why I'm scared to try anything. I either quit/ forget about it when it gets too hard or I can only get my foot in the door. She brought up the whole money doesn't grow on trees speech but I'd giving up on trying to listen. Claire called saying how the movies plan was dead .... it was just too much. That night I just played guitar hero until I was too tired... and it was only 10:00. [i hate fridays]

Cherry Blossom Festival 2008

Konichiwa !!
Oh today was sooo great! Hours spent with the closest people to me in Washington DC.
Besides the fact that God was having a bladder problem. The turn out was great, the food & smoothies were ok and all that attention was more than I could ask for! I lost count of how many people decided to take or join in with a picture of us. Oh and my beloved Lolita Kelitah came too making us all very happy. [I wanted her Panda so badly T-T;.] Everyone managed to buy sumthing. I got the cutest little Kitty key-chain, Steph got an umbrella & Lauren & Claire got TOFU Bags. ^__^ So yeap. like I said it was great. Weird cosplayers and awesome visual kie also made this annual event entertaining. I told Kage i was going & he could come if he wanted, I'm glad he didn't though cause hanging out with those chicks today wasn't so bad. Afterwards we all chilled @ Claires house eating sinful cupcakes, discussing our operation and covering a lot of other random yet HIGHLY ENTERTAINING information.
*cough*

[[In other [naruto] news : Itachi is really dead, Sasuke is taking over the world. I hate Kisshi right now. ]]

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah! & also I think Claire defiantly pick up a good rule for us to start calling each other more often. I totally agree! I mean before I even discovered boys I could stay on the phone for hours.

Yay I feel... spaded ... ?