There goes my hero (My 2 piece special)

This Chinese woman quit and sold her house and car in order to adopt over 1,500 dogs and 200 cats.

Ha Wenjin started out with only a few dogs, but gradually expanded until she had her own animal shelter that she had to tend to full-time. She even has 12 workers helping her (10 for the dogs and 2 more for the cats). Additionally, she had a number of volunteers.

I love this lady, she unmistakably put her money where her mouth is. An angel on earth. Her ambition, gives me hope.

========================================

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.....

“But I miss him.”

“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”

Sooo it's officially a new year

I'm currently lying across my bed in just a t-shirt waiting for my parents, and the rest of my family to get home from church. Yeah I had to be at work tonight. I don't have the tv on so I didn't see the ball drop. I hear fireworks and possibly gun shots but I don't see anything but the words that I'm typing.

New Years Resolution!

(Somethings will be followed somethings wont, it's life: &It all started with a plan.)

• I will do well in school, major in my major
• I will create enough art to sell at any given anime convention
• I will find balance between pleasure, work and all the in between
• I will travel more
• I will find a better, higher paying job
• I will be a good volunteer
• I will be a better friend
• I will research more
  
• I will ride my bike past the pain, around the reservoir, along side Lys.
• I will stay in shape, and eat & drink healthy (although I love my curves)
• I will send all my loving to you.#music note
  

A Clean Heart

"Would you tell me which way I ought to go from here?" asked Alice.

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get," said the Cat.

"I really don't care where" replied Alice.

"Then it doesn't much matter which way you go," said the Cat.

------
Inspiration penetrates my thoughts, pounding a hollow wave of energy whenever I actually take the time to listen
-- & I am very grateful for being alive. More than I ever have ever been. I have things to work towards and people to live for. I am not alone; I admit that I still have my doubts but slowly I'm starting to find a friendship in this new me. As if a weight is lifting, simultaneously; I wanna take on more of these ideas that have yet to induce an inception.
I have plans for myself, that seem a little more personal than I can remember. I see change and I see strength. Maybe it's due to my age; for once I kinda feel like 19 years means something. I find myself talking more about things I am not to sure of, and I am proud. I still am a crybaby but I am becoming a bit more organized.
I am finding forgiveness and acceptance under every pillow case. This isn't an easy process! My mind wants so hard to remind me of my failures and to question things that no longer need answers. I still feel jealousy and rage and pain and guilt and weak. I still reminisce and worry but now, I have help. Through prayer I'm finding a calmness, and assurance that everything is the way it is, simply because it is.
(& I'm OK with that of course.)
I see where I must re- build and place my trust and where I need to iron out past persecutions.

Vindicated.
-----

Last night I did something I didn't expect to happen for a very long time. I was content with not ever seeing them face to face again but It happened anyway. Minus, the one I probably longed for the most, Lauren & Claire joined me for dinner at this lovely Thai restaurant. They too had not seen each other in a while, but surely kept in touch more than I had tried to in years I guess. The moment came and went; we laughed, and caught up briefly. I felt much more lighter than the last few times I cared to remember. I felt like falling back into the blissful pattern of sleepovers and notebooks. These girl were once very important people to me, and the warmth we all radiated towards each other indicated to me that the feelings were much mutual. [With no strings attached] I would love to re enact this encounter we shared that night. We all drive, we are all talented and diverse and we all know how to have 'a good time.' Love.

*Just for grins

You are still beauty [noun] to me & just because I don't see what you see - nor understand how; doesn't make you any less.

[Never forget the things that once made you smile.]

I guess this is just my rant of the night. Although, having these thoughts on my mind in the first place isn't really beneficial to my desired change on scenery...
I'm feeling a little blue. In a matter of a week I've heard more than enough cynical remarks made by Ron. All of which; I do not doubt where truly spoken [I obviously proved him right again, who can blame him?]& at the same time; I wish these feelings weren't so true.
It's dazzling how we people are. We wake up in America, roll out of bed in Baltimore and yet when we leave out the front door enter completely individualized worlds. we are capable of sitting side by side in a car and yet going in two totally different directions. I can't help but to smile.

Smile & cry at this utter resentment.
I brought this upon myself.
I felt so helpful, so friendly, so open, so willing, so aloof in my own selfish goals to crack the code, to expose this potential I just knew lie waiting, to be loved and praised. I saw it all in my head! I was wrong, so so so wrong, it [reality] doesn't bend to our request without genuine sacrifice. & even then, things can get a little ehh...
I was wrong in ways I did not see, I did not wish to see. By doing only what I knew how to do - I really didn't do much now did I?
I had no idea that by acting in this shortsighted way I became incapable of truly dealing with issues that were over my head, I mustv'e missed all the signs. [You can't bullshit a bullshitter ] Maybe I was infact the worst friend he had. What he needed and what he had..just weren't the same to me. Maybe I was no friend at all. Deep down I was too busy worrying about what I was going to gain, & trying not to step on any toes. I had my attitude way out of line for this & I am sorry.

So tonight before I go to sleep I will again speak to myself, my core. I want to change.
This year for christmas I would like some authentic wisdom, spirituality, patience, courage, humility, & love....

What you get is what you give & vice versa

Death of Devotion

Snow fell today.
This is my December. Let this be a lesson
Last week I think it was, I had a full day of laughter and dauntlessness & that night I had time to myself to lie within myself. To talk to my heart; asking if it could please give a crack at opening it's teensy eyes. I know that for years they have been caked closed by the dust of this world, but not heavily enough that they cannot budge. I asked my core for strength and for patients. Of course nothing happened right away & most likely wont in the "near" future- but I haven't stopped asking.

I am so sorry.

I've forgotten what it's like ... to deal with myself. To really think about how I feel. How and why I react. I think there were times when I did, but lately. Just being alone doesn't mean I'm understanding myself. Just because I opt. to stay in the house from time to time doesn't mean I'm so comfortable with who I face in the mirror. When giving (what I think is) my all only gets rewarded with stinging silence - a bead of light, a crack in pursed lips. It doesn't really mean much does it? That's when I give up. I cry hard and tell myself to let go of what's hurting me.

Feeling twisted and confused. Focused on nothing of use, angry and frightened; like a wounded animal I struggle back into the bushes to heal and without a doubt find a new path to make an entry. I too have lost, I've pointed the finger and in some cases pulled the trigger first - I wanted to be right, but the battle between right and wrong, your way, my way it doesn't exist.

That's why I want to push myself even more... I want to be, need to be more kind, useful, bold, more assertive, forgiving.... I need to practice being strong. I believe in myself, more than ever. I have the tools all I need is a little inertia. To put a stop to this search for answers through lives I do not need to waste my time in. I can over come this. I can over come that- I'll think I'll start with this, cause this is where it's at. :)

Happy Holidays

Your efforts are lacking,M'lady

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

Things are changing for me, change is kinda sad and scary and exciting all at once. For the most part, I truly feel as though I do not dwell in the real world. Because of my imagination I see things as if it where an anime, for the most part. My future plays out as any 15, 16 year old anime character would have it. Excluding, Giant robots, Magical Girls and insanely strong demons and angels. Things like Pokemon, epic battles, theme songs, talking pets, cyborgs, dramatic entries and exit are all capable of existing in my world. As if I wish to see no other way. I see the boy of my dreams, being crazy over me, when there's nothing to gain from it. I see me farming my own little Mary land of small children calling me teacher or sensei for that matter. I see many colors, cute clothes and food daily. That's just how I am I guess. Is it something I'm proud of? Sometimes... Of course on other days I wish I could be more serious, then maybe I would be taken more seriously. I am content for now. I have a job, or two or three. I have a car, a family. I am capable of working out, eating out and getting my hair maintenance. I try hard to take care of myself because I want to be dependable and useful.

Lately however, I have dug a small grave for myself. I wish I were more independent for there's a constant level of closeness that I really need from the person I love. If I were stronger I wouldn't feel so ruined knowing that I can't count on that affection when I need it.
What are my choices? What do I believe that I deserve in this life? Where can I accept sacrifice, and where can I not?
Ba da bum bum bum ..bum.

So CCBC still has some unfinished business with me. I will end up back in it's clutches Spring semester. That's the plan for now at least. I want more than a repeat of last semester. It'll be harder, I know. But I must change my thought process for this, maybe in advance. I'll have to definitely quit a job and dry out another because I need time to focus, and study!
I still wanna be a teacher right? (right?) Math, Art, and what ever else follows behind those to subjects need as much attention as I wish I had on call.
I still have time to work things out though. The holidays are coming up &... (deja vu)
....

अलविदा

Happy Days Are Here Again / Get Happy (Glee Cast Version)

I can't seems to stop hitting replay everytime I listen to this song. :)

Here comes the Bride

"Is there anything about this scene you can change Shay?" I ask myself.

Well is there? I can choose what I taste, what I hear, from what angle I see it, how it feels; I should still have that power should I not? Why is it that when I feel bad, I talk to myself to get the answers? Maybe Lsytra was right, maybe sometimes I do need to look outside myself.

I'm scatter brained lately. I'm being self- preservingly stuborrn, or was it self-defeatingly stubborn?

So I've come into quite a bit of money latey, more than what I'm use to at least. &So, what am I going to do with it you ask? Save, duh. Well for the most part thats what I will do. I made a list at work today of the things that seemed most important to deal with sooner than later; & then a much smaller list of wants [things I feel like I should just get out of the way so that my dreams arent plauged with the cuteness.]

................. Idk what else to add here, uh the Holidays are soon approching I wonder if my family is going away for christmas or just sitting around the fire. I would really like to travel. Kelitah is already 'setting sail' for NYC lasted I check.

Passage from Eat.Pray.Love(Kinda cheesy but makes a pretty picture in my mind.)
"To find the answer you want," Ketut spoke through his translator,"this is
what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth
that it's like you have four legs,instead of two. That way, you can stay in the
world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look
through your heart,instead. That way, you wil know God."

Forever. Never. Ever.

I wonder if that "little ass girl" she was talking about was in reference to me?
Anyway...
I've been trying to update a lot lately. I start a paragraph or two, add a picture then open a new window. I'm not sure how to start, or what I want to express. I'll start with the positive I guess; yesterday morning I went jogging around the reservoir downtown near the Baltimore Zoo, I jogged and speed walked and moaned and groaned but I did not once sit down or stop moving my feet until it was over. My new friend in training Juwan was there, coaching me through the whole thing, the event itself was his idea. He's a track runner and well, stuff like that was just a walk in the park. I was so proud of myself though. I had came out of myself (shell) more than I thought was possible... My body felt, and well still feels relatively numb. :) I can't wait to do it again.

eat. pray. love

I'm slowly starting to bring my vision board to life, I want to stay committed to the idea that I need a new dog in my life. I plan to do some book research and even offer my service to this one kennel in Reistertown. I want to work for animals... That's an idea that comes and goes, like a boomerang. I need to make up my mind! I need some guidance, I need some humility, I need some energy, support, patience, motivation& love.

"God dwells within me, as me"

Darling, You will be alright. Everything will be alright. Please don't be afraid of your own light. Try not to let others define how you should see yourself, all your aspirations and reasons to smile are important to you and will keep you alive. Find your balance and if you allow me I'd love to me there because in teaching others we teach ourselves right?
Cya Later, Alligator.

Blast off. It's party time & wtf are you?

“So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”

So here's a quote I found. It wasn't the best and most touching of the bunch -but I was tired of going to the next page. Anyway, tonight I experienced fortune telling, coincidences, future sight and all the other sayings for foreshadowing come to life. Inevitably. (In my very last post I'd written- just two days ago I mentioned something about a dream I had; the sound of an explosion. I also said how I looked up what could be the meaning of that (something is about to be exposed or come into consciousness) and well I'll be - something had been exposed tonight.
My conscious was definitely ripped into and my heart.... I haven't felt that bad since sometime in 2008. No lie. I can't really explain it, - although it felt like an old friend. I wanted to reach and pull out my heart that literally felt like it was pumping poison through my system. I had forgotten how to breathe for quick moments. The shakes came and went as well as feeling light headed because I laughed most of it off. Still the company I had had no choice but to go in for the night. Whats worse, nothing I was told was proven to be legit. It is my mind that has me doing flips and auto creating a slide show of cut and paste audio sound, mental pictures and clues.
I can't believe I let it get to me so much. What happened to my priorities?

I want to feel numb. karma sucks

Maybe it happen the way It did because I had so much else stored within me.
So much anger and confusion that tonight was just the straw that broke the numels back.
The rest of the night was a poor attempt to fill whole again. My words didn't travel far.
I hurt so much right now - I will not sleep well tonight.
I confuse myself, I'm afraid and lonely and I just cant wait for this to end.

Hey Moon

Please forget to fall down. Hey Moon - don't you come down.
For now I'm just gazing at the moon- listening to silly rap tunes.

I really enjoy jazz now. At night.
I can't feel it the way I do at night. It takes me back to the 20's I believe. I'm slowly painting a mental picture. Long black dress, pink lips; she's sitting alone at a bar. Her drink has barely been touched and no one wants to walk up to her. Her smile can light up a room if only she would smile.
Anyway, I want a kiss, it can be anywhere. Lips, cheek, forehead, eyelids....It's just one thing among others that I miss and feel like could realistically happen.
I miss my dog, so much. I'm beginning to stress and simply stroking his hair and feeling that warm spot on my lap would help with some of this frigidness.

Adventure Time
Thursday night and Friday where the brightest of highlights I've experienced in while. I was so happy, I felt totally in the moment for the most of my day. My phone didn't exist, my social networks, my friends back in the county. I felt like I was on a much needed mini vacation with a very beautiful and strong lady that I am lucky to call my friend.
I think what I'll remember most about that day was the small garden lined with small candles and the children running around without a care in the world. Desspite the blatant racism event - everything worked like clockwork from dawn till dusk. I know I laughed hard as I sat in the passenger seat for once.

Today I woke up with a bang, literally. I nearly jumped out of bed when I heard the sound of something exploding, it was all in my head however. It felt so real. Apparently, to dream that you hear but do not see an explosion means that something is about to be exposed or come into conciseness.
Well -I sure hope so; I'm ready.
I went to work and found out on the spot that I was scheduled to work 8am to 3pm. I had casually walked in at 10; for the next 30 minutes or so felt incredibly unnerving. After work Jojo had made plans to go to the movies but I just wasn't in the mood. When I got home I only had one thing on my mind despite my mom asking me to join her and my brother as they went to the mall. Something deep down tells me I should almost never turn down my mom for 'maybes' or 'what could be's'.
To avoid going through every single detail- for the next 2 hours or so I had "chose" to sit in the back seat of my car in front of Tidus house. In my defense I had so many sketch ideas that I had to let out, which I did- but by not being home I couldn't properly touch them up. I wasted my (indispensable) time there, I know I did. I felt so wrong but I couldn't, I didn't want to be in my house all alone. I felt like crying because I just didn't want to feel alone in a room full of paired off people. I still feel out of place. I'm sure there is some sort of positive affirmation I can work on - but for the time being I just feel.. and I feel a lot of it.
Before the night ended I paid a visit to Usagi who made me feel a bit better.
I addressed up front with her things that were bugging me and she wholeheartedly apologized for simply showing up when a ride in my car was being offered.
I know talking with her loosened me up but still - here I sit; itchy, mussels tight, heart racing, tears blurring my vision. & I can't help but smile. So what today was not as productive as others.
So what I can witness my self respect fade. I win some and lose some. I'll be ok in the end.

Consequence of sounds

Dark Brown and Red. Forever stained in my head.
Low pulse and fading eyes, I lean in closely to whisper those lies.
I want to warm you up & let you rest in my lap, but it didn't take long for the white coats to say "you're time is up" I denied your cries and lack of perception even though you had become the only exception.
I remember the night I laid with you and sobbed you breathe was slow, your energy robbed &still I just new things would be 'ok', until the next day.
I couldn't save you and I didn't fight a good fight but I do believe your death was done right. poison in your veins and ice in your heart who knew it only took a moment to tear us apart?

Treasure is gone now, he died sometime around 11 Friday morning.
A mercy killing.
I felt like my ribs were collapsing but the feeling quickly went away, I forced it to. I wanted to kick and scream and stab the doctor with his own needle. I wanted to bite my dad and smash windows. I saw it all happening in my mind. I drove away in tears after paying a 'small' fee. I drove singing and humming to the songs on the radio, I texted and made about two phone calls as if I were over it just like that. At Justins house I cried a little more but ended up coloring.
I hate cats.
The rest of my day felt like a movie. Time does have a way of healing things...small things.
I avoided going home till I was too hungry to think straight.
The next day I went to work with a smile on my face, 8am to 1:30pm. Time flew by in no time and the next thing I knew I was at home sleeping. When I woke my mom was home asking if I had plans for that night.. I looked but did not find. We went to a Jazz Bar (Coco's Butter)
Like a real one with a live band, wine, chocolate and small appetizers. My mom was friends with the owner and somehow I ended up being the waitress of the night! Talk about a new experience. The people where nice for the most part, plenty of refills and and orders. Carrying long wine glasses where no joke either. I was really shocked.... and grateful. It helped take my mind off of somethings and bring light to others. I like waiting on people, I like sharing a few words and I love people who can really make me smile when I forget how to.

A sound Soul dwells withing a sound Mind & a sound Body

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye.

Today was rather productive, I took care of myself and my dog -who is rather sick right now.
I left my phone upstairs and stayed off of social networks. I listened as the rain came and went. I've been sitting in this chilled basement, drawing. Working hard on my characters and partially watching anime re runs. I am starting to feel empty again. I don't need another transformation - not like this. I don't want to run away, run back or around.
Ahead of myself, ahead of time.
Two nights ago I heard a lot, but only took in pieces. I turned to people that I didn't truly feel a closeness too and took in our time together more than the advice. I went from angry and hurt to defeated and renewed. What Justin shared with me hit a soft spot. An old spot that I feel those un capable of dealing with an intertwining of personalities seem to be a perfect get away. I wanted to consider the lack of feeling, if only for a while. At the same time I fight my dreams and there meanings.
Why do I want things that I know can hurt me?
I want to talk to people again who I know I've let down.
When did I stop focusing on things other than myself?
I can do it alone. I can stand alone, save up on my own, laugh on my own, create on my own, study on my own, cry on my own. I can -but I should do everything I know I can handle. It's all about self control right?.
.
.
.
.
I just think I need to hear someones voice right now.

HIV Negative

"I too am alone. It's sad being alone. It's painful. I felt that way too.
But if we're together, at times we may hurt each other, and we may even part.
But, that is not the end. I'll always be with you."

Good Evening. I'm currently watching Super Size Me for the first time, the documentary about the (McDonalds) food industry. It makes my stomach hurt more than it already does. Yesterday to this very moment have been .... a little out of the ordinary. & by that I guess I mean, it hasn't been as chill as normal.
I lost interest in all the lover scandals floating around, it is what it is.
Partially because now more than ever I'm really starting to hate the whole idea, of love that is. I realize that I'm still young,but I get upset when I sit and think about how I can't get it right.
I haven't had enough experience, I'm sure but right now I'm blinded by failure. I'll pick myself up soon I'm sure but at this point, I want only to withdrawal certain emotions. Not out of fear but self preservation (is that still fear?) I mean, I want to ... but on my terms & that isn't possible as made clear a few hours back.
I feel sick and I'm making myself sick. Change my habits... I feel that's what my heart needs of me right now. As for my brain.. it seems as though my brain is to blame for my desires to stay connected. I don't want to fade, just a memory to those I saw in my future. I want to be myself and yet still get noticed, fought for, encouraged.
I don't give enough for that wish to come true yet. I am not intimate, I am not truly flirtatious. Young, naive, and misunderstood.

Circles

Sometimes, this life has a funny away of making us walk around in circles, like crickets on an old timey record player. We can put so much effort into moving where we think is forward only to find out we did not get anywhere.
I remember having such great hope for me and those I would be involved with. Taking that speech communication class last Fall semester seemed to be just the antidote I would need to quit acting like such a stage frightened little girl.
One stop shops; quick fixes, they only seem to allow you to view the progress or lack there of even more. They point out the distance of the separation of whatever you deemed a problem in the first place. How clumsy.
Till this day, I still have some of the same issues when it comes to getting important thoughts across. I wish those who took everything I say, or don't say so seriously, not before asking questions - which in turn could I guess help me reboot. Of course there is no special manual that comes with getting to know me, nor is it available upon request. I just know that there is much that I don't know; about this world, my plans or myself.
Life is determined by the choices we make. Everyday.

I just need some more time, and then everything will be fine. Seasons are changing and new paths are unfolding for everyone around me - I hope that, ... hope; I still have some left.

Anyway, So you know how I made that wack ass hate post? I was thinking of making a love one... only that list will be too long and still wont cover everything, I want to be a lover. I want it, I try to give it, maybe I should try to support it a bit more too. Ignorance can run deep :/

So Far I really like my new job, I should be getting my first pay this Friday. I hope to stay with them past the holiday seasons. I should also practice lifting weights at home, I'm sure it'll help out my poor noodle arms. AMC can SMD, I'm through jumping at every crack of the whip.

.... minds drawing a blank now. G'night.

Tuff Cookie

So yeah... i plan to blog a lot more starting now.... but as for right now,.. my plan is to just, simply cry myself to sleep tonight. Yup. Goodnight readers...

Outro Music "Rejazz" By Regina Spektor

Interesting - The Secret Powers of Time

Intro Music: "On the Radio" by Regina Spektor

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

A cocktail of chemicals

That's all that love is really, when you break it down.
A bunch of chemicals that your brain decides to dump into your system. There are scientifically/ technically three stages of this love mumbo - jumo. Lust, Attraction & Attachment. I'm still very young in this knowledge so I won't pretend I get it all, just a few of the names of these bastards. One of which can be found in chocolate. I know right? The betrayal.
Just kidding -I've known that part for a while, I didn't take Human Sexuality for no reason. Odd enough, as much as we did cover in that class - not once did the Mirons discuss the science of it. Maybe because it affects everyone differently?
Does it have holes in it?
Or does knowing that were are creatures designed for breeding take away some of the magic?

(RAH)² (AH)³ + [ROMA (1+MA)] + (GA)² + (OOH)(LA)² = Bad Romance.

I had to do it.

So today, listening to Marcus rant [emotional *** Scorpios] on about how out of hand his girlfriend was becoming; I'd manage to plaster a sincere look of interest and assurance on his part, meanwhile I found myself in heavy thought about the subject of love, expectations, and over all attractions another human can play on you. I'm not going to lie, it scared me a little a lot. I thought of the faces that made me smile, the faces that brought pain, the lust I still hold on to for some and the many unrequited attachments I still keep.

I wonder.

I wonder what made me attractive, and why I haven't slept with more than one boy in my life thus far. I wondered why it was so hard for me to get close to some and too close to others.
I have no regrets; only curiosity.
A bad case of the "What if's"
I wanted to take every conversation I had today and twist it, to just challenge the listener to deal with yet another side of me. It's not like I'm insane.
Hmmm..... We'll I'll let these thoughts simmer for now. I know it's not fair to you, but if you really did love me, you'd get over yourself.
'cuz that's what your suppose to do right? After you have yourself in check, after you've worked hard to satisfy your inner self, you must give it away. It's risky, it's *scary* but that's the only way to know if what you have inside of you is worth being inside of someone else - vise versa.
I wonder if I'm making any sense?
+
+
+
Any who.. I want to invite my dad to come paint with me, sometime this week; seeing as how I'm not going back to CCBC.
Too much free time to a person who doesn't need it if you ask me. Already I'm scribbling down a list of things to do, most of which involve my bed room. Maybe if my entire bed was facing the other way I'd be able to sleep better?
Idk I'm just restless. I fee like talking, sharing parts of me that I felt I couldn't 'cause I had no control. I still don't but it doesn't bother me. Oh right, that's selfish right? I'll chill... don't worry. I'll be drawing back into my shell sooner than you think. I didn't think it would hurt you today.
I didn't think.

Waaa~ay off topic.

Back to paint. I want to paint a bare tree in those boxes. step 1 & I'm sticking with it.

It's late, I have scho(nowhere)ol to attend in the morning.
Oh yeah.....
RE:.......Goodnight. :(

& He slams the door shut.

It's over. My summer is finally over; in my mind at least. 85% of the goals I've set out to due since June have been fully addressed. Yesterday we finally made it to a beach! Rehoboth. The waves were insane, the weather was a wonderful kool-aid mix of hot and breezy, the fruit were sweet and the laughs were real.

&& As a grand finally I plan to write up a summary of my summer list; all my hit, misses and almost. Now I don't know if I'll be posting it on my blog, it depends on how long it is once it's all written out but yeah, reminiscing on the past months seem to be something I'm looking forward too.

Everyone is blogging now, by everyone I mean... the main people in which I've always wanted a little extra light shown on, I was a bit curious about what's going on beneath the surface. It still stings a little reading from a far but at least I have my imagination...?

As of late I've constructed a blue print resume in which will hopefully reel in the big jobs. Working in social security or behind a desk doesn't seem to bad right now, it wouldn't last forever but I could really use a big increase >___> Sometimes I don't know who's in charge up there when I think things like that..... *shakes head*

Locs will be present in my near future :3 I'm kinda sorta excited for them. I quite enjoy two-strand twist though... but not after I take a swim, which I won't be doing anytime soon! It sucks that I feel as though I've violated some of my favorite locations like the pool, wawas, my car, otakon, ledos & panera single handedly, now they all seem to conjure up some unwanted feelings thanks to me.
Guess, this means, I'll just have to discover more places to make memories.
Speaking on Otakon - I'm pretty sure I'll be going to next years Katsucon in February.

Well I'm hungry and nude I think it's about time I tackle these two problems head on. Peace.

Wise Tale

....And a Man sat alone, drenched deep in sadness. And all the animals drew near to him and said, "We do not like to see you so sad. Ask us for whatever you wish and you shall have it."
The Man said, "I want to have good sight." The vulture replied, "You shall have mine."
The Man said, "I want to be strong." The jaguar said, "You shall be strong like me." Then the Man said, "I long to know the secrets of the earth." The serpent replied, "I will show them to you." And so it went with all the animals.
And when the Man had all the gifts that they could give, he left.
Then the owl said to the other animals, "Now the Man knows much, he'll be able to do many things. Suddenly I am afraid."
The deer said, "The Man has all that he needs. Now his sadness will stop."
But the owl replied, "No. I saw a hole in the Man, deep like a hunger he will never fill. It is what makes him sad and what makes him want.
He will go on taking and taking, until one day the World will say, 'I am no more and I have nothing left to give.'"

Very Special

WARNING! (R.A.P)*Random Angry Post

I apologize for my outburst in advance.
I'm so angry right now, I feel like something important just slipped through my fingers.
Again.

• I hate feeling *useless* I'm sorry I couldn't help you that night... this night.
• I hate Kiki
• I hate not working with my *friends*
• I hate jazzmine
  
• I hate Ben
• I hate Pnuts photography
• I hate that I'm so ungrateful
• I hate not being able to see you, any of you when I want
• I hate being loved so much by kage
• I hate my bed
  
• I hate that it kills me to say "I'm sorry"
• I hate ronald
  
• I hate CJ
• I hate the smell of beer
• I hate giving up on a friendship,( i just need my space... the real one not the site)
  
• I hate mcdonalds
• I hate owls
• I hate watermelon
• I hate only finding females attractive
  
• I hate money
• I hate not having money
• I hate my sarcasm, i feel brainwashed
  
• I hate not having a kigurumi
• I hate not being able to speak up
• I hate no longer being on the same page as Lys
• I hate not talking to all my old friends
• I hate driving for more than 15 minutes
  
• I hate haters
• I hate girlfriends/ boy friends
  

*Please Note, I have reason to believe this is just me PMSing... as I do monthly. Don't take any offense... or better yet, let's just talk about it? IDK. This little piggy just needed to get a few things off her simple minded mind. She will continue to smile and cover her tracks because she knows life is what you make it, Right? whatever! goodnight. &heart

Kung Pow Chicken

Two Birds on a wire
One tries to fly away and the other....

So I just downed my third and final bottle of smirnoff. I'm pretty sure, although considered "sprite", I've had enough booze for a life time. The taste was very satisfying and naturally made me more thirsty; but that's in the past now. There no reason to get use to it, I'm not a lightweight, I'm not a heavy weight, I'm not a drinker. Water, fruits and a little extra movement will surely clean out my system in no time.

I love what I've done to my room, although incomplete I can feel it; alive.
Simple and Clean.
I'm resisting the urge to over do it; I can see rainbows, cute furry things, hiragana, pokemon and music notes suffocating my blues & greens all too easily. Its been a great way of just forgetting about everything, I feel calm and steady as I add some disorder to my solid color walls.
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It's sad how much I am capable of *pity*ing myself, and how, when pushed into a corner it's something that I know to admit to to lessen the charges.
I knew it was time to grow up for a while now, I can't spend the rest of my life not trying. I can try of course, but that's just too easy.
I have worked hard to make relationships last, I truly believe I've reached points when my pride was tossed to the side and my heart was the one surfing to the shore with no fear. \
But of course, I fell, nearly drowned and was stuck with sand in my woo-ha.
So now I ask myself, am I ready to fight the good fight? I mean cause I am still here, and this is a pretty big ocean for us crabs.

*Sideways step* Sideways step*

Have you heard of the comic Scott Pilgrim vs. The World? Well neither have I until the movie came out last Friday. An Epid Epic of all Epicness. I can't wait till the DVD comes outs, I never buy stuff like that but wow, that movie was ... Epic [haha. Sorry for the repeated offenses of that word.]
Believe it or not but that's not the only film out there that really has a hook on me, True Blood. The HBO series, I downloaded and completed seasons 1&2. It's not for everyone that's for sure.
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Meanwhile, as the light rain falls, my plans to venture to the beach tomorrow have only been swept back into the sea. Gobbled up like a white dot on pac man. Released back into the wild *with a tracking device*

Hahah ok. So school starts up in less than 2 weeks, and my mom and I are still riding on this loan, I never wanted to resort to this, but apparently had no choice. Scholarships, Grants, Scooby doo where are youuuuu? *cries*

&& with that being said, episode 6 has just successfully downloaded....
FANGS for reading!!!!!!