It gets better

I believe with all my heart that no matter what is uncomfortable, what doesn't seem right, what hurts right now. Things always, always have a way of turning around - of getting better.
Drowning in sadness only happens once you've decided that you are not good enough to deserve the best.
My emotions at the moment have the best of me. There is no denying that these past few days have really made me question my moral.
At times I can catch myself sneaking around the backdoor to pick up yet another bitter, worry seed. It's painful to watch but I know that If I don't confront her soon she will eventually get too sick and I'll need to step in again anyway.
These seeds are silent and yet so powerful. The first thing they alter is the most important. My memory. I forget that I am special, that I am me, that's all I can be and that I should be capable of saying that with pride. No one else can be me er than me. I yet I forget that and wish that I could be over there somewhere.
This world is mine. I am important thus my life is not a waste.

Yo quiero un corazón fuerte

I may not be different, but I'm definitely not the same.

The other night I was not thinking clearly.... The world sucked and I felt hate. However, I'd like to believe that things have changed. Life can be so random. Instead of shutting down and drowning in my thoughts I got more feedback on what I was going through, I exposed this painful bitter seed inside of me and figured out a way to decrease it's burning effects.
I love myself too much to want to end my life.
I love myself for each and every choice I make. I love hearing myself laugh and sweet talk over the phone. I love the moments I feel alive.
Over a course of 24 hours I ate a nice warm meal with nothing but good music surrounding me, I sat for hours enjoying a newly purchased book, I ran away from and fought off an adventurous mouse, I really heard what Lystra had to say, I really heard what Andy had to say, I repeated over and over again that I wanted nothing more than a strong heart (un corazon fuerte), I got down on my hands and knees and cried out loud, I let myself be weak as I wanted, I cried until my pillow needed to be flipped over to the other side -I spoke aloud how much I wanted to unlock new doors deep inside me, I wrote angry letters never to be seen by anyone else..., I fell in and out of love then right back in, I forgave myself, I forgave him, I sleep well, I took a long hot shower, I called the job I planned on working for next and got an interview set up, just like that.& just like that, breathing became easy. I took control.

Courage

F.W.B

For the past couple of hours my face has been dealing with the 'leaky faucet syndrome'. During the day my vision becomes blurred by the amount of tears congregating, luckily they are easy to blink away.. I'm hopeless when the sun isn't up. If I simply look in the mirror too long, my tears will finally obey the laws of gravity. I feel broken and that simply will not do. That bitter seed that was planted deep with in me a long time ago has found a new source of sunlight. I feel it growing inside of me, along side it's friend worry and jealousy.

This is the part where I wish I were fucking dead.

I feel as though I am never strong enough to face and destroy these seeds inside me once and for all. I am not strong enough nor cold enough to trick my heart into doing what my brain tells me what is best.

I will get better. I am a better person.

It is a constant struggle to believe in myself at times like this. I want to throw a brick into the mirror while screaming "What are you learning from this Shayla!?"
What can I possibly be learning from feeling this pain right now? What is my body trying to teach me? Why are you still crying love?

For a month's time I was fine not worrying about this boy. I had forgotten all debts and all important words and feelings. I was content with trying to get my buttons pressed by another man. I had no doubts or exceptions from anyone. I just wanted him to be happy.

& Now..

His face.
Her face.
Faces of people I do not know.
Questions.
Heat rising.
Blood...
Why do I constantly think about how much he has hurt me? How I always feel betrayed? How I wish he was here right now-//that even if he were here he doesn't care if I cry in front of him// but still I let him in. Why do every time I have a chance to fix things I fuck it up? Why is it so hard to remember the happy times? Why is it that I amplify the painful times so much. It's so hard remembering all the times he would kiss my forehead and call me 'dear'.
I'm so done with feeling like I am never enough. Done with watching him walk away. Done with hearing 'I can't take care of you right now but I will.' Everything I do, It's for us.'

The images will not go away & I fuckin hate him.

&..... at the same time, I hate the idea of hating him so much. I want to forgive him every single time. I have disrespected him so many times and he never once said I don't love you anymore.
Why is it that I don't want him to look at another female/Ha! ..but that's too late. He's fucking them more now than ever.
Where the fuck did my happiness with Ryan go?!
The same person is still breaking my heart since '09.
I need to grasp on to that escape door like my life depended on it. But I can't find it right now. 2 fucking days later and nearly forgotten who I am to him.
Am I really so pathetic that despite what both my friends and family say I would do it over and over again?
I'm jumping all over the place now.
Moral of this story. You reap what you sow. & deep down I must be one sorry person...


No woman no Cry- Bob Marley

Something exciting is gonna happen

I'm waking up nauseated for the first time in a long time. I feel sticky, but not literally. Like my lungs have grown larger than my heart and are reaching its way to my throat. I don't like this feeling at all but I do know it will not last long. I won't let it, I'm far too busy to entertain this emotion.
Last night I was so anxious to get to that party; but upon arrival I was slightly disappointed by the turn out. This time I do not feel it was worth the entry price. It wasn't nearly as live as it had previously been. The music was fun and not being able to determine if I was wet from sweat or pool water took a lot of tension off me. Still, in the back of my head I reminded myself why I don't like raves, parties in general. Sometimes things happen that you wish you had not seen or where aware of. Personally I was fine pretending like ... never mind.
After the party Sir called me and then came over to talk. It was so nice, I really missed watching and listening to him. He makes me smile with his performances all the time and to actually be requested that night was pretty much what I needed before sleep.
This morning I caught up with Lys and that too was a great feeling.
I need to keep the promise to myself to stay busy, hustle even when no one is watching. I can't afford to daydream about what ifs and why nots.

I'll be picking up a book tonight and getting lost in it. Dance central will come later but it will come. I am starting to struggle with my weight again. I won't panic just do and eat the right things.

The Help

I've been finding it difficult to update my thoughts into Blogger. My two biggest canvases lately have actually been my friends and a legit journal I started when I was in Puerto Rico. I wrote in that little book every night while on the trip cause I didn't have a computer. I really don't feel like going over all that I had learned and all the joys and accomplishments I experienced. It was and will be one very important milestone in my life.
I've been at Virginia Beach since Monday with my family, we just came back home today. This trip was also a fairly decent one. The weather was nice and the connection and laughs made it all worth it.

Awake all day

Santuary -Utada Hikaru

If we as [teenagers] are only allowed just one day where nothing get ruined; where next to nothing turns out bad or ends on a sour note, well then I surely have used up my one day pass. Today was just.. too much to handle.
I don't think I have ever cried so much from being happy. I was so happy it ached.
I could only focus bringing these people together and having enough food for everyone. I'll admit I did have my lazy moments but it didn't matter. My dad was there backing me up the entire time. I kept hearing what a good job I did and that everything was great while the event was still going on. It was better than an graduation, wedding, baby shower I ever imagined for myself. Wow. It's not even that I feel awesome it was just the turn out. I was shocked that all these people could once again be around me & Kelitah yet again.
I was happy I gave some many people their moments to somewhat shine. To be heard or watched or thanks for making such wonderful food. I may forget the events but I will never forget how this all made me feel.

To be honest, I was also very happy upon hearing that a certain someone hasn't completely closed off his heart. I was so happy that I turned out to only be a speed bump and not a total dead end. I'm not even capable of possessing that power.
& that's the way, this wheel keeps working now////

So I would hope that I get to see Harry Potter before my departure, maybe in the morning when its still cheap. I don't even mind seeing it alone, I just need to complete this task. It's always a bitter sweet aroma around things that officially come to an end.

Dig

I've been living for 20 years now. Today I had a large breakfast with my family and then went straight to work. Naturally, I arrived 30 minutes too early so I pulled out a notebook and did some serious reflecting. I'm not going to pretend I feel wiser or have a better understanding of how life works. I just know that no matter what has happened or will happen I still love myself. Very much.

Peaceland

"The nicest thing" - Kate Nash

I love watching interracial couples interact. They are for the most part just like any other happy couple but with a bonus and disadvantage of skin color. I'm sure some couples may chose to keep their families as far out their business as possible but others have found ways to just make their parents 'shut up and deal with it.'

- fearless

When I'm at work interracial families are definitely on the top 5 list of shoppers I see. Old white women walking biracial children around by their hands, White man holding his new born son as a black women pays for the purchase, a group of white high school girls come in to buy bras and bikinis and the one biracial girl fits right in ranting about last nights party.
I don't know when it happen, not that it matters but it's just so beautiful to me. The idea that a man or woman could look at a person different from themselves and fall in love. Regardless of what time period they grew up in, the possible outcome of their child and of course their gender or race. Biracial kids are so beautiful to me, and yet deep down I have some sad thoughts attached.

I guess I had my chance once back in high-school. A white boy told me he loved me and stole my first kiss. I didn't know much about love or relationships back then but thinking back on it. I am thankful for him and his courage.
-----

There has been a lot of mixed ideas and emotions floating around my head simultaneously; especially when a just lie in my bed. I feel stuck in the middle again. Almost to the degree of being that middle child. My older sister is ready for the pain and struggle it takes be beautiful. She wants to handle more responsibility - granted she has the knowledge and courage to constantly work for for it. She feels like moving out and having less social time is becoming more personal.
My younger sister wants to be noticed for her simply doing what she's suppose to do, she wants affection and praise. She wants to feel weightless, living life day by day.

I need to believe in myself.

In my heart & in my goals.
Even when I feel like I shouldn't
I believe that I can always try again tomorrow and I believe in my friends. I believe in the kindness in peoples hearts and the pursuit of happiness.
I believe in love and forgiveness.
I believe there is a God and there will be a time of liberation.

Goodnight.

Bailar conmigo

"Always be my baby" - David Cook.

It's pretty odd but I find myself listening to this cover twice every morning before I leave the house. First I just listen, then I sing along. At this point that song is so beautiful I want to dedicate it to everyone I ever knew.

Today I went to my first Latino fest, the weather was nice and there was a huge turn out. The overall square feet of the event wasn't as big as I had expected. I spend almost the first hour there by myself then ran into my cousins, Lys and then Kemet & co. I was comfortable with how everything turned out; got to practice my Spanish, watch people dance & yada yada. A few hours after that I found myself in that dreadful black hole known as Orpheus. We didn't stay long, just poked our heads in long enough to get noticed and requested then rolled out. Transformers style.
Ok. I lied, I rolled out. Leaving mis tres amigas there to finish getting their party on.


Speaking of partying on.
Kelitah and I are throwing one next month. I'm sure it'll be the opposite of a totally fail. Providing that it does not rain, guest come in a good mood and that I have pre-made food available. I'm so anxious I wanna just go out and buy the things on my list next time I work but that would be pointless; I gotta learn to take things day by day.

Like this whole PR trip, and the requirements needed beforehand. Driving out to essex for less than 4 hours seems a bit insane to me, but it's gotta be done. I wont think about it again until my alarm goes off reminding me that I should be heading out. & that's the end of that story

The Sweetest Sin

"I'll run" - The Cab

So I guess, for the time being, I will be getting back into reading astrology....
I now only look at it as fascinating not defining. I could careless what the book/ net says the stars say about me or how I'm suppose to be. If I don't what to stay indoors all day I don't want to stay indoors. I prepare meals on my time and enjoy doing it solely in that time period. I do not feel very motherly about anybody except for the animals I work with at the SPCA. I do not know how to comfort or offer swell advice but I will listen. I am very capable of doing that. Ironically, in a way I am still living up to the rules of the practice and that is being selfish.

With that being said, trying to understand the mind of a Taurus seems like a lot of work. Relationships in general seem to be a constant act of humbling ones self and having the freewill to make that persons day delightful. Playing the devils advocate for a second, the risk of relying on one person to provide those positive hormones to you on a regular seems like a job not just anyone can get or keep.

I can't seem to over analyze this situation, at all. There is just this mental block that is just as strong as it was when it was first built. I can work around it, and I can see through it sometimes but climbing over it seems to be an idea that has long since blown away with the wind. However, I do appreciate the encouragement the books offers, implying that cancer x Taurus are pretty much soul mates/ perfect for each other. "Do not throw this pairing away so easily".

Pure Imagination

"I admit to having an imagination feverish enough to melt good judgment"

"Day & Night"- Kid Cudi

I am so far from sleepy right now. Knowing that I have to be at work in 7 more hours.... how unlike me. I want to scream right now, and cry like I use too. I am feeling over whelmed with ..a grey matter. Not pain or pleasure but maybe a two piece combo w/ a side of heartlessness.

I would like to briefly pick up on where I last left off, about an hour ago. The "new soul" that is showing me all types of kindness without me every asking for it. I get a pang in my heart sometimes and at the same time It makes me feel even more alive. Let me explain... It hurts because to me, regardless of the identity of the sender the fact that I was targeted for the good feelings must mean that I am being noticed. It's always shocking and makes me curious weather I have the same affects on others also. & so this genuine and effortless efforts she makes has caught me off guard in every way
((((((WHY?! ))))))
I ask this but I really do know the answer all ready. I am special, I am beautiful, patient, funny, sweet, understanding and I know I have elude positive energy as much as possible.

Maybe what I'm thinking is nothing but my purest of imagination but I love this new soul, more than I was ready too and regardless of what happens I will wish her the best as I do with everyone who comes and goes.

"Boom Boom Boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon"

----

Switching topics drastically right now.

Next month I will be packing my bags and flying with a group of dynamic, diverse and open minded colleges to the US territory known as Puerto Rico. I'm really excited more for the the service work I will be doing rather than the tourist lifestyle I will be living/ condition I will be living in just for a week.

Today was my Alternative Summer Break [ASB] retreat. We pretty much ate, played games that helped to get to know each other better and made plans that will help us raise money. I'll be selling chocolate bars by the butt load also.
The biggest obstacle I have with this trip is time management. Work, volunteering, school, tutoring, socializing... it will all have to align them selves damn near perfectly and allow me to reach out to them accordingly.

I can barely contain my excitement :]

EVERYTHING..happens for a reason

.....right?

I really want to believe that. For one thing, I have been naturally waking up at 7am for the past few weeks. I'm not sure what sparks it; the heat from the sun, the sounds I hear outside or my dreams. All I know is that once I'm up, I'm up. I can now afford to take my time in the morning to examine myself and check my attitude on things. I should now have time to detox myself but I don't. I usually spend it online....

"Uh-Oh" - Lumidee

To be honest, I have not been blogging for a while for the most insecure reasons ever; I don't want anyone to read them anymore. I want to write about how I feel but I never feel comfortable doing it on blogger anymore. I feel like some readers would think little of me; to be disappointed. Even pointless thoughts like this make me shy away from pressing send.

So here I am now. Open because the one who knew me the most is now out of my life once more and I don't know for how long or if he even should come back.
This isn't a 'nothing else matters anymore'. Its more of my just fulling a request to reflect. To take my time and have the motivation to better myself.

We all know I have a thing for that Ryan fella. Although it is likely that I be looked at as lustful, reckless, and inconsiderate. I see it in a different light. He sees me and hears me better than most and without the use of psychical senses. Long story short, (yet not really well grounded) I choose my follow my head over my heart because after all, your heart can be easily blinded and corrupted. I chose to leave no one in the dark about this and to patiently wait for my attitude to make the appropriate adjustments. I accepted myself rather than said mean things behind my back & sooner than later a new soul appeared in the middle of it all. Making ever so light foot prints on my heart and ways of thinking. This female is a lot like how I already see myself. Awkward, flirty, funny, active, fashionable & sweet. Then there is of course another side to her, which, I feel like; "well why didn't I pick up those traits yet as well?" We have the flirtatiousness, the affectionate, the loyalty/ obsession to her boyfriend, the loud, quick tempered, aggressive and blunt speaker.

I didn't get those traits because that's not Shayla. Obviously.
Regardless if that's what Shayla wants to behave like. Who says that's how I ought to be? Attempting to make that a reality is killing off the character already assigned at one point.
..... right?

I have more than enough evidence to believe that, that which was just stated is my default style of thought. (Something Justin and I have in common). It's neither bad nor good in my opinion.
Although it may be read as though I claim it more as a curse rather than a "baby I was born this way." I am capable of coming off in any sense of attitude I wish -it's just that responding in ways that are more natural make me feel as though 'everything happens for a reason."

Keep Going

Sensual Seduction - Snoop Dogg


This will probably be one of my most pathetic entries yet.
For I have fell under the spell of my bed. I can't seem to leave it no matter how hard I invasion me being anywhere else. Just like a crab. I feel safe here, watching movies and occasionally working with my new marker set.
Lately, I just feel too much, it's overwhelming to say the least. My words are slurred and my motivation has been shot in the heel. I want to ride my bike, I want to pretend that I am readying myself for a marathon of some sort. I want to be able to actually fit into the couple workout pants I brought and took off the tags too fast.
-
-
-

I'm bothered by everything at the moment, I'm moving too slow for my liking and I most of all, I hate the fact that I am complaining. I wish I could just hang up all these unwanted feelings on a coat rack and put on my super woman vest. I pray for a clear mind.

In other news, Ive gone nearly 4 weeks make up free. I was never dependent on it, but I had a conversation with a girl who believed that I was, every time she saw me I had it on. That was a little shocking to me, seeing as how I never really defined eyeliner as make up anyway.. or if so, no more drastic than glasses or a hat. On and off.

P.S.I will make it to the beach in the near future, I just can't wait.

Con mis amigoes

I get by with a little help from my friends : The Beatles

Nothing poetic or beautiful is on my mind tonight. Nothing regarding the news in the world or news from within. I just wanted to briefly acknowledge my sometimes louder voice that echos only online. Perhaps I am suffering from writers block? Or maybe it's just that I've finally began to vent my feels towards another form of life and have found blogging not as much of a necessity as it has been in the past? Or could I be back to square one; sharing none of my thoughts with anyone or anything. Giving them no room to breathe or grow. Who knows?

I feel as though, nothing is missing nor been forgotten. Somethings I think about have finally been laid to rest and a more positive outcome is the result. New friendships means a new chance to try again, taking the love I have and hoping that it'll be returned. Maybe even paid forward.
It's nice to know that some of my oldest friends still find time to call or answer a call from me and lighten up my day even more.
It's amazing what one authentic smile flashed can do to the rest of my day///
I am thankful and free inside my head right now. Everything shines brighter under the night sky. I do not regret nor feel guilty any longer. With an open heart and open arms I await what the future has in store

The sun always sets

Last Sunday it took everything I had to not leap out of my skin due to stress, both good and bad of course. I woke up super early because I was excited; the Druid Hill March for the Animals event had finally arrived- and I wouldn't attend empty handed. Dylan had spent the night and was by my side the entire time. He was so well behaved and excited to just be out the house and put to work, by work I mean was allowed to strut his stuff. Soon after I had got out my brother and I were out the door. My ambitions to have my cake and eat it too was abruptly cut sort when Dylan went ballistic at the site of Snoball, I mean like if I didn't pick Dill up he really would have started to get at Snoball. It was unfortunate that I couldn't bring them both. On my way to the park I hit a curb really hard and got a flat tire. That took out at least 45 minutes.. I really considered just turning around and going home after AAA came to repair.
But I didn't.
I made it to the march and had a great time.

Don't look back in anger

A power struggle collapses when you withdraw your energy from it.
Power struggles become uninteresting to you when you
change your intention from winning to learning about yourself.

Recently, I seed that was once planted deep within my core, has begun reveal it's true beauty. I couldn't have done it on my own, it took more than the translucent sunbeams of my reality. Someone swelling with experience had to rain and hydrate the course seed that made up my self.

I still have so much to learn opening my heart and shutting my mouth will only make the process seem less of a chore and more of a blessing. I want do for you, provide for you, enlighten you, dance for you. You are, my only exception. Thank you for trying, thank you for having your own goals, thank you for being so strong and beautiful. I only want the truth... so, why not trust in you? In us? We are alive. I want to laugh with you, embrace you, learn from you and submerge myself in you.

I want to be with you.

I want to do something fun for anime club soon, I will most likely bake a ton of cookies. Not completely from scratch but perhaps I will design a Pikachu on all of them. I'll need a cookie cutter, sugar, chocolate chips ...and lots of yellow & red icing. Chuu~~

Boonaa Mohammed - Beautiful

What is beautiful?

This is like the calmest my blog layout has ever looked. I'm kinda digging it too :)
Man, I swear Pokemon Black came out at the perfect time, between that and watching Black Butler I find myself capable of sitting in my room for hours with interest. I always tend to fall in and out of reality at the right times. I am purposefully choosing to distance myself from people; honestly, it hurts too much to do other wise. shikata ja nai...

I am a very awkward creature. Some days I can approach a stranger without hesitation and other days I squirm under the gaze under anyone that looks my way. I get embarrassed easily, I freeze up and wish that to exit the vicinity. /Sigh/ Insecurity is a bitch.
I am capable of doing better, I just have to train myself and train myself and train myself to change the voices in my head.
I love myself. I love my enlightenment's. I love that I am fragile and still so strong. I love my thick hair, my smile, my hips and my red, itchy, irritated skin!

As for now, I just need to keep up my good work in school. I enjoy the way all my classes are beginning to blend into one another, it really helps me make since of it all. Composing my philosophy statement of education is also very interesting. I am creating an affirmation of how my classroom will be managed and how my students will learn and grow together with me.

There's something else I would like to express but it's on the tip of my tongue now and I can't seem to even form pieces of the whole. So tonight I will ask myself questions and pray on it. I still haven't given up on that habit. It's funny though because I choose to try again in order to rid my mind of all the negativity I carried around from Ron. I still pray for him. I hope his lifestyle takes him down a path that is beautiful and free and reflects the soul inside of him.
But it's not all about him anymore. I have to constantly forgive myself and others. No one wants to hurt or feel pain, but it happens to everyone and on certain degrees. Suffering is optional.

There is a bit of beauty in believing in what you can not see.

Move you feet

I love morning like this, when the house is empty and I can shower and dance around partially clothed. If only I had a stereo like my dad i would blast the music seeping through my laptop even louder. I wanna dance more with my hips and arms, not following any particular style just more in sync with what ever song plays next. When I dance it's usually in front of a mirror just so I can watch myself; I can smile and frown at all the weird ways my body is able to move.

A Clean Shot-Myraid.

So this weekend I learned to never trust the letter R with a nice smile. You'll always end up biting your tongue and walking away. In a way I really am glad things are happening this way. I got to learn somehow. I'm flattered though, in some weird way I still feel exactly the same way I did prior.

Right now I'm failing as a 'girlfriend', a friend and as a self actualized individual. All I can promise is that that will all soon change. Acceptance is the 1st step right? Right. So now I need to stop throwing myself under the bus and hiding behind pseudo stress. Every little thing, is going to be alright.

Now that it's getting warmer I really wanna start getting over to the SPCA, although I was just there last Friday it's not enough. I feel so much more content knowing I made a pooches life just a tad bit better.

This Sunday I went to a new church out in columbia and had a great experience, I'd never thought a church like that could exist. There was an equal amount of white, black, mixed and asian families all there worshiping. The praise portion was nice because Jesus was sung in about 6 different languages. There was an awesome band that provided all the music, there was no choir, it was commonly accepted as a come as you are type church so there were a lot of people in normal clothes, jeans and tennis even the pastor! It was super down to earth and the message was equally as simplistic and powerful as everything I witnessed. :) Just throwing that out there.

Scoop, Scoop

Lykke Li - Little Bit

So Kastucon 2011 is over and done with. Despite being in a room with a pair of "newly weds" & nearly fainting from hunger I honestly enjoyed myself. Everything seemed to work at a reasonable pace and I got to see and participate in a lot. This con was centered in the National Harbors Gaylord Hotel. It was like a mini empire, an indoor paradise. Props to the designer, I would gladly go back with friends just cause. However I did learn my lesson, just in case I do ever return I will bring along all the meal I plan to eat while I enjoy my stay there; maybe eat out one night but other than that-because it is a tourist site everything i was very much over priced. I took some great shots with Peanuts camera which really inspires me to get one of my own or maybe just ask to burrow his on more occasions. I love acting like I know what I'm doing (haha) but really I think most of my pictures came out very nice.
I'm currently waiting for my water color painting to dry so that I can go back over it and add the shodows. Watercolor painting is fun but so far my teacher hasn't really gave us the most basic rules for getting colors to bleed and mix and cooperate with me. Hopefully that will happen soon.
So Zuko is still here and naturally we are becoming more comfortable with each other which in many ways can be a bad thing. What ever happens happens, where ever his new home may be I will still come visit and even drop off toys and food when possible.
I never thought I'd fall for something that didn't bark.

Well this was just a short entry just to prove I can. Later.

My Life is not your play thing!

How could I still care
This is harder than it looks
Old, sweet, memories

Within this month I've gone over and over the concept of having balance. I solidified my values and almost instantly watched things fall into place. It was 'cool' feeling, a since of pride and maturity radiated off my being; but just like with everything, nothing last forever. I had goals and met them in some way or another. I guess what I learned from this is it's not solely about meeting your goals but understanding why they became one in the first place and perhaps how long do you expect the outcome to last once achieved. The most predominate event that has taken place was I guess taking responsibility for the owner ship of a cat.

His name is Prince Zuko, and obviously I got him from SPCA; he's a tabby with a gorgeous coat and pair of eyes- he's attitude is a bit on the 'gtfo of my space' side unfortunately. I picked him up after my mom had finally had enough of the mousetraps we have laying around not doing there job - that right there should have been a yellow flag for me but no, I was lonely and simply caught up in the idea that I would finally be supervising another living breathing creature.
Making a long story short, my parents have no desire to make this new relationship work. They have officially given Zuko an unofficial expiration date. No exceptions.
I don't fully understand the consequences of my actions and at the same time I feel utterly terrible. It has nothing to do with me at this point, all about where and how I will find this cat his new home. So many things run through my mind and I still can't seem to spit them out. I'm so sorry and I again am responsible for letting blind passion misguide my ability to see clearly. Fact# Definitely one of my most ugly traits.

Human Nature -Michael Jackson

I have now completed my second week of classes. 1 teacher is strict but has mastered her skill, 1 teacher doesn't really qualify in my opinion to teach, the lab teach seems reasonable and willing to really sit and talk with me, 1 is jovial and has already set us up for a *free* field trip to Pa next month and the last teacher will be a challenge that I look forward to simple because psychology is extremely interesting. With that being said, homework will have no choice but to ride shot gun with me on this journey, the research that is being required outside of class intimidates me so I guess I have no choice but hold on tighter.

I aim to please, incorrectly, I need to revolutionize the way things grab hold of my attention. My heart is big enough and strong enough to hold up more than I give it credit for but just because I think that way doesn't mean that I still shouldn't find a stronger method of filtering out all that junk mail. I probably will never see some people I would normally treasure again, well, at least not in the same light. I will be protected and guided into the things that can only help and enlighten me.

I want to ask my parents out! Lol I'm just scared, I don't it to be cheesy. I would rather just cook but that takes away from the element of surprise, also I don't know what to make D: This is such an issue for me right now. I want to have music available, maybe even dessert but I'm so low on cash these days... I guess another reason to stay indoors. I also would like to share a piece of me, weather it be by poem or painting. I don't know where this stemmed from all I know is that I gotta get this out of my system.

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Before I sign off, I just want to regurgitate the always present appreciation for the television show Glee. It's puts a smile on my face every time. :) Later world.

l dolce far niente

I began my morning just like every other only this time, for approximately 1 hour and 45 minutes I was swimming in a pool of positive, passionate, infinite energy. My SPCA orientation took place today; about 30 interested volunteers showed up and we all received a shrink wrapped introduction on what exactly the SPCA was, how things would be run and got as many question we had answered. Phase 2 is complete! Next I begin my training, you know with like the dogs and cats that live on the estate. Before heading to work, I had took a walk to the kennel just to meet some of the dogs and cats I would soon be dealing with. Can I just say! The moment was priceless; I felt as eager as the animals where to finally meet one another.

(Below is Husky/ Malamute mixed, his name is Thunder.)As a result of this episode, I have this great feeling of "everything is going to be ok". It's as if I'm meditating and not even realizing it, I feel a bit high, warm and most of all love. Am I even allowed to feel this?? "You feel guilty because you're American!" I'm blessed and grateful for just being in this moment-- I want to share this feeling with everyone. I want you to feel love. Spiritual awakening happens and then vanishes almost as swiftly as it came.Come back!!

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long
(Erase all the pain till its gone)
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

Ok so disregarding the entire rest of that song, I love singing that part of the chorus, it had sneaked it's way into my brain while at work today.

Too good to be true?

Experience is a great teacher

So it's time for yet another Facebook diet. I'm sick of the anxiety, the trolling, the misleading updates, the refusals to respond and the involuntary dependence on that shit. Guh!

School is vast approaching, I'm trying my best to save what little money I have for books and paint. I can't wait to do well. Speaking of school I made contact with my old speech teacher! It was so exciting, he told me how he was doing and sent me the link to his new site. I will gladly become a member when it gets fully up and running. The last school related thing I have to share has to do with a very important key function of humans, that is my memory. It's been failing me some kind of terrible as of late. It's not a good feeling, I gotta get it together.

Currently listening to Human Nature - Michael Jackson.

So I spent my day with Jacob Mayberry, never thought that day would come. It was very enjoyable though; we shared a lot of thoughts and ideas. He broke down poetry and made me familiar with the rules; I had to stand in front of him and read pretty much everything a wrote down on paper and tell a story out of thin air. Ha-ha! how intense.
We were crafting our skills for hours, time flew by so fast It wasn't even a bother. I honestly had no where else to be, so there we sat with no distractions and I took in as much as I could.
Jacob truly is a character, that guy. (Lucas Lee) He's funny and dominating and probably no longer capable of being silent for longer than 5 minutes... unless he's writing.
His, for a lack of better words, insanity to practice, recite,and write are so inspirational. I will reach that level one f theses days.
:Shayla!
:Not now ma, I'm drawing
:But you've been in that position for hours!
:Silence!


Lol, sike naw. In all seriousness I shared things with Jacob I haven't shared with anyone. At least not that I know of. My "sleep number", obsessions and "Rage Egg Complex". They were all stripped of their clothing in a matter of hours. I guess with the right energies my walls just come tumbling down.

That's all for now.