Stronger. Calling all the shots

Last night I felt it! I really did! I've gotten stronger, better control. It took a lot of concentration but I did not falter. I was caught off guard [by that phone call and all], but that didn't stop me. I stared at my reflection proud of what I saw. Confidence is innocence.

I've forgiven all these burdens I still carry and kissed them on the cheek goodbye.

You can do it Shayla, I know you can.

• I got my permit ^_^
  
• Finally ventured to Lys house
• went on an erm, date with Jerron [whomp whomp, didn't count]
• fell in love with music again
• Sir is my big sister <3>

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Follow your bliss

& Someday.... I'll wake up & realize I gave up everything.
I can not continue going on like this.
Crying & dwelling on the past. Waiting for someone... anyone to come pick up the shard of hope and trust I no longer have. Life is just too short.
I want to move on ..& away.
I am strong and I have a fire inside burning so bright I'm blinded. It's stronger than anything feeling I ever felt - its just too afraid!

//*sigh* Why can't I believe myself?

Cause I'm still stuck in this melted muck of memories, what ifs, why me?
I STILL HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS! repeating over and over again... like a broken record or scratch CD.

//Never satisfied.

Fear //a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. \\

Here I Am

SO just shut up and here me out. Kthnx.
Lol today was whack. Except for the fact that I brought some shoes from the goodwill and reconnected with Danni ^_^[80/20 Rule!]
I'm still kicking and screaming you guys. Only right now I think really wanna start drawing again, but Idk what about .... abstract.

I hate it, when I have to pretend to be happy about this. Your so much better off without me....

Kay enough emo shit. I reallllllly wanna go to the aquarium Friday. *sigh* but I don't know how to tell my boss no means no. hehehe *tear*

I'm not cool enough yet

The most emo-est song

.... discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will i stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how i can't seem...
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and i'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
i've felt this way before
so insecure.

• Why so serious? Pass
• Are you happy yet, I heard you weren't in love anymore? Pass
• Why do you keep giving yourself so much hope? Pass
• Why does this .... keep happening? Pass

I think I need a hug.
Lol no seriously... I'm starting to feel like I haven't been touched in forever [not in that way! but then again.... ]. I miss the feeling of another in my arms. Warmth. Energy flowing. Transcending. I don't want to lose that, not ever. I don't ever want to stop feeling.
But this journey... I just feel like I have no choice but to be alone. I can't rely on others.


[[I swear I saw you today. You drove right pass me. ]]

Bright & Lovely

*Cough* So Yeah, Someone inspired me to uhh... "be my own sun"
and sooo, heres a drawing a drew [completely original]
It's kinda like my logo? now.
btw. It's suppose to be a sun.
Too bad I'm too black to get it tattooed.
^_^

Now Wait Just A Minute...

Ok. Wow. Can we say roller coaster!?
Jesus this is getting old!
WTF is wrong with this world? I need to leave America as soon as possible the very air we breathe must have some of connection with how 'people are just stupid as shit' these days.

Selfish bastards that speak of love and peace but only know how to make love then peace out.

Life is about [the pursuit of] happiness no?
Well, To me, that's the same BS and saying love makes the world go round. I so effin pissed right now. It just might be because I'm still young, but again JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Guys are so different from girls. haha Although I'm pretty sure we all learned about that way back when - I just wonder how many people really broken that concept down over the years. *sigh* Lys. I'm so sorry.

Life sucks, you make mistakes, you accomplish something great...then you die.

I'm pretty sure I'm purposely being really dramatic right now, but there's no other way to cover ... this up.

Here I go again, thinking about you. Me and you. her and you.
It's like I'm living in a nightmare
[wtf. Can't my mind just shut the fuck up for about a week?]

love is dead, love is gone, love don't live here anymore. remember that.

I thought I was free from this. I was told that the more you speak it into existence the faster it'll become reality. ...
Why is it that the harder I try, the harder I fall?
There must be an outside reason.
A curse
Gravitational Pull
Newtons Law
Darwins Theory
A promise
An ordeal
divine intervention!?


lmao.






Blah. I'm deleting this blog in a few days. watch

Sunny

Vindicate.
- to clear, as from an accusation, imputation, suspicion, or the like: to vindicate someone's honor.

Hmmmm, talk about a change of pace you guys. Heh, Its kind of strange, my last few blogs where an extremely accurate depiction of my feelings. Hopefully I can convince myself long enough that this current one is also %100 accurate; not just a cover up. I mean, what good is lying to myself these days? Heh. You see that?... I laugh, I smile.
I'm becoming ... someone different, I can feel it with ever fiber in my body. It's exhausting though... like a snake shedding it's skin or a man lifting weights for hours.

rotfl. i think.... i love myelf now too. ^=^

[[And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself]]

I DO EXIST

She Doesnt Exist [Close the door]

All that's left is me myself & I
I have a new goal and a new person to find. Only she doesn't want that.

Bitter.

She was forgotten. No one wants to be forgotten.

[[So......... should I just let her ..... drown?]]

I so sorry... but I can't save you. I just can't... you can't exist anymore. There can only be just me

ME. (the present & future)

.
.
.
.
.

Goodbye. Stop knocking

HIS to ME

I went from 'His' to just 'me'.
I was him, he became me.
Then he became hers, which turned into they.
no more us.
just them and me.
Now there's I, & I have to find me so that one day there will be a you.
You and I
Us.

Death.

Why does my heart cry? Feelings I can't fight.

Your free to leave me but just don't deceive me

And please believe me when I say

I love you.

Creative writing homework

Acceptance Speech
Indeed I must confess
Septembers about love sex and death
gangster life
???
he doesn't "want" you
I dont know how I feel about that line
what happens continues to happen
more or less until we die
your hideous and sexy
(psyco)
the poets conception of hell
hang overs and phone calls
he [still] doesnt want you
ok, where open now
agg tag glatmoogen
sounds like a German cake
a dizzy climax of terror
... he had it coming.

Just who am I trying to fool here?

Intuition noun. direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ So here it comes again. These feelings. I'm sick of this. ....Kage you fucking destroyed the world I thought I knew. How did it come to this. I feel so ...........awake..... My heart and my mind.... theyre not working together anymore My heart still loves you. ..... Still loves you. Just come back... say your sorry, stalk me, cry, beg...cause It'll be worth it. [Shayyyyla. Your a cute girl the right one is out there for you. Focus on other things. I'm here for you if yyou ever need to talk. Forget about him, you don't deserve this. I hate seeing you this way. What do you even see in him. Your so nice. ] I'm sick of hearing this. I. DON'T. CARE. You were the only one that ever really mattered to me. Things would/ could be so differnt. I'm not fine with or with out you. Don't say I'm better off..... [alone] I think I'm waiting for you forever and havent even realized it yet. Shit Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish Foolish. -------------------------------------------------------------- [Conversation with myself.] What the fuck. Can't I just die and be reborn wiser?. Why would you do that to the people who love you? Cause This life doesnt make since. Your just over thinking again Its better than running in the dark even for what seems like a sec. you must learn patience or you'll always be seen as imm... imma...what?! immature. tch, there's so such thing as the perfect time. why can't i act now instead of worrying of about the future. Its the future thats holding you back right now. no its my past. .... my past? your afraid of what you can become. youre afraid of chance no! give yourself a chance. focus. meditate. I cant! i cant think straight for longer than. just do it. do it for yourself but i love him. i really do. i swear to you i really think i need him, his ideas, his soul near mines. hahaha. well then wait. wait for what....? wait for him then shayla. he'll come back to you. ha

So Quickly

Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Upset because we can't make it right. Sad because I need you day and night. Angry because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don't understand. Disappointed because we can't be together, but still I'll love you forever.

Blah Blah Blah

Forever? Pfft. More like until an amazing and inspiring person enters my mind and fills up this crater.
Yeah so right now, I love you. I love you so much because ..... damn. Wait what??