This is my December. Let this be a lesson
Last week I think it was, I had a full day of laughter and dauntlessness & that night I had time to myself to lie within myself. To talk to my heart; asking if it could please give a crack at opening it's teensy eyes. I know that for years they have been caked closed by the dust of this world, but not heavily enough that they cannot budge. I asked my core for strength and for patients. Of course nothing happened right away & most likely wont in the "near" future- but I haven't stopped asking.
I am so sorry.
I've forgotten what it's like ... to deal with myself. To really think about how I feel. How and why I react. I think there were times when I did, but lately. Just being alone doesn't mean I'm understanding myself. Just because I opt. to stay in the house from time to time doesn't mean I'm so comfortable with who I face in the mirror. When giving (what I think is) my all only gets rewarded with stinging silence - a bead of light, a crack in pursed lips. It doesn't really mean much does it? That's when I give up. I cry hard and tell myself to let go of what's hurting me.
Feeling twisted and confused. Focused on nothing of use, angry and frightened; like a wounded animal I struggle back into the bushes to heal and without a doubt find a new path to make an entry. I too have lost, I've pointed the finger and in some cases pulled the trigger first - I wanted to be right, but the battle between right and wrong, your way, my way it doesn't exist.
That's why I want to push myself even more... I want to be, need to be more kind, useful, bold, more assertive, forgiving.... I need to practice being strong. I believe in myself, more than ever. I have the tools all I need is a little inertia. To put a stop to this search for answers through lives I do not need to waste my time in. I can over come this. I can over come that- I'll think I'll start with this, cause this is where it's at. :)
Happy Holidays
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