EVERYTHING..happens for a reason

.....right?

I really want to believe that. For one thing, I have been naturally waking up at 7am for the past few weeks. I'm not sure what sparks it; the heat from the sun, the sounds I hear outside or my dreams. All I know is that once I'm up, I'm up. I can now afford to take my time in the morning to examine myself and check my attitude on things. I should now have time to detox myself but I don't. I usually spend it online....

"Uh-Oh" - Lumidee

To be honest, I have not been blogging for a while for the most insecure reasons ever; I don't want anyone to read them anymore. I want to write about how I feel but I never feel comfortable doing it on blogger anymore. I feel like some readers would think little of me; to be disappointed. Even pointless thoughts like this make me shy away from pressing send.

So here I am now. Open because the one who knew me the most is now out of my life once more and I don't know for how long or if he even should come back.
This isn't a 'nothing else matters anymore'. Its more of my just fulling a request to reflect. To take my time and have the motivation to better myself.

We all know I have a thing for that Ryan fella. Although it is likely that I be looked at as lustful, reckless, and inconsiderate. I see it in a different light. He sees me and hears me better than most and without the use of psychical senses. Long story short, (yet not really well grounded) I choose my follow my head over my heart because after all, your heart can be easily blinded and corrupted. I chose to leave no one in the dark about this and to patiently wait for my attitude to make the appropriate adjustments. I accepted myself rather than said mean things behind my back & sooner than later a new soul appeared in the middle of it all. Making ever so light foot prints on my heart and ways of thinking. This female is a lot like how I already see myself. Awkward, flirty, funny, active, fashionable & sweet. Then there is of course another side to her, which, I feel like; "well why didn't I pick up those traits yet as well?" We have the flirtatiousness, the affectionate, the loyalty/ obsession to her boyfriend, the loud, quick tempered, aggressive and blunt speaker.

I didn't get those traits because that's not Shayla. Obviously.
Regardless if that's what Shayla wants to behave like. Who says that's how I ought to be? Attempting to make that a reality is killing off the character already assigned at one point.
..... right?

I have more than enough evidence to believe that, that which was just stated is my default style of thought. (Something Justin and I have in common). It's neither bad nor good in my opinion.
Although it may be read as though I claim it more as a curse rather than a "baby I was born this way." I am capable of coming off in any sense of attitude I wish -it's just that responding in ways that are more natural make me feel as though 'everything happens for a reason."