The Jar

Yeah, I still think about how I ended my friendship with Kiyani. How we had stopped talking for weeks & yet it was such a big surprise to her that I was not happy. How my eyes stung as I spoke to her over the phone remorselessly, listening to her cry. It's not my fault that I felt like those tears were not for me. Once it was over I truly looked forward to her existence disappearing from my world just as easily as it did on FB. And for the most part it has. Maybe I did expect a small amount of continued effort. I text later that not or a couple of days from them but I got nothing. She did nothing really to change that other than make a new post expressing how idiotic she felt. She simply accepted the fate I gave us.

At first I felt I did the right thing for the right reason, which was that our friendship was no longer healthy. That letting her go was a way of respecting that she was still not over Ryan, conversely, her letting go of me was best because she still deeply treasured her friendship with Ryan and did not know how to balance her feelings between the both of us. She could never fully be happy for me.

She has a new boyfriend, a new best friend, a new person to give her %100 too. Darren is now in the picture and to a degree this makes me even more angry. All the attention, time and sacrifice she had given for Ryan was halted in a matter of weeks. Just like that her heart beats for someone else so passionately. According to tumblr... I wish we could have discussed this transition. It's none of my business now. And yet I am very grateful to this man, I don't know what I would've done if she had continued to reblogg quotes that gave her the slight ounces of hope that Ryan and her could work it out.

I was fine not really knowing or caring about her for a period after and then Ryan mention that he was still very angry with her. Anger is nothing more than emotion, a strong one. Love warped. I feel like due to his anger and lack of indifference they will eventually make up. I hate that even now they still have some type of connection. Even though they shared secrets that ruptured the over all trust I had for them they are still willing to keep in touch. I wish she cared enough about me to not have put herself into those intimate moments with Ryan back then, I wish she cared enough for me to quit talking to him. Point blank, because even after we ended out friendship she still had more to chat about with him them trying to see what was going on with me. It may not be fair statement to make but it feels like a slap in the face. He means more to her than I ever did. What I feel really does not matter when it comes to them. What they do is between them.
A part of me really wants to tell them both, individually, to just stop. Let it go before they wreck everything. ..but that is not logically a smart thing to do. They have minds of there own and I will not be the one to alter the future of what is suppose to happen. I seem so insecure. I had had to deal with this before.
I hate myself for holding onto thoughts like theses. Yeah, I was hurt, I am still hurting over her. I took her too literally when she told me that our friendship meant more to her than what she shared with Ryan. I let her slip in to easily. I wanted her friendship but she wanted Ryan more. She wrote him that 4 paged letter about how much she was still in love and loyal. She wanted to make clear that she would ALWAYS be there for him... if he really loved me he would've never fell for her. Sometimes I really can't tell which one of us is more wrong. Could Ryan really be controlling and manipulating things to have his ego stroked into this cluster fuck?

It's human though is it not? For me to clench onto this anger so much that my knuckles have turned white? The only one truly effected by these thoughts is myself. I'd do anything to let it go. I thought that creating the art work I did for on Christmas would help but it hasn't. Ryan and Kiyani still exchange their lives with each other and there's nothing I can do about it. My heart won't let me have as much anger towards him as I have for her. It's not just. I won't hold this in forever though.

"Please strip away this hate and just let it be." Is what I want to scream to myself. "All I want to do is love. "