Recap 2011

Roughly 16 hours ago I kissed 2011 goodbye. The new year Began and with out permission my mind decided to reflect on as much as possible.
Last new years I worked until 10 pm at target. I came home and sat online. I remember thinking about how I told Ryan we couldn't talk for a while. My feelings had grown for this stranger but I wanted to try to ignore them. I listened to the fire works popping outside my window and went to sleep a few hours later. This was also the month I began volunteering at the MD SPCA.

• February I adopted Zuko and went to Katsucon with Justin, Tanique & Peanut and Shared an amazing Valentines day dinner with 2 other couples.
• In March I was still very much involved with school and Pokemon Black
• I dont remember too much about April, May & June. I'm sure a lot of riding on my emotional roller coaster, raising my expectations, and getting more involved with dogs. I will add this part though. It was in June that I knew I was in love with Ryan. I loved Kiyani too. I loved Kage too. I wanted to really be with this guy and make us work. It was a lot around and inside me that month.
• July was quite possibly the best moment of my 20 years on this earth. Once a week I spent time with Jimmy, we made out and smoked and I was always so relaxed. In addition to celebrating my 20'th birthday, I hosted an amazing pot luck cook out with Kelitah, was constantly participating in new events such as walking in a 4th of July Parade, and then at the end, traveled to Puerto Rico for a week.
• August was one of the last times I spoke to my brother Sir, he shared a lot with me in one night and all I can remember was being so focused on him. His words, expressions and of course his movement. I was just happy as hell to be in his presence. I partied this month and was almost completely committed to putting my attention on Ryan. I let go of fears for the most part and tried to make myself as happy as I could most days. I went to VA beach with my fam and had a nice time, took nice pictures and was motivated to pick up the beautiful booked called "The Help".
• I lost and regained control in September. Even after Ryan and I had made things official Kage still managed to make me feel like my world was crumbling beneath my feet. We had stopped all communication for what seemed like forever and when we finally spoke I felt he was no longer the guy I had walked away from. It hurt the most because I was so sure that no one else could love me the way he did. I wanted Ryan but I knew he didn't love me. I knew that he couldn't and wouldn't keep his hands off Kiyani. I felt like I was alone in love. I had dug my own grave. Justin and Elliot are still very close to me. This month I saw a lot of them even though I had choose not to go back to school, I was still there with them and they were there for me. At some point I took time to clear my head, I left home for a week to stay with my cousin. I felt better about most things. I focused on me and eventually that lead me to Pet's Mart.
• And that's what changed. When October rolled around I was still very confident and content with myself I still felt things for Kage but for the most part could see our separation as natural and as always, temporary. I was pretty sure that I wanted to end the experiment session with Ryan and jump into serious but he proved to feel differently and told me so though his actions... that of which I didn't find out about until later. Understanding and working out my job at pets mart was a pretty big deal. I came home exhausted almost every day.
  

• All of November and December was a leap of faith. I ended my year very happy. My world had grown so much in many ways and also grew smaller. I really did love my job, my self, & my boyfriend. Everything else came after. It was scary how invested I had let myself become with someone else other than my soul mate. I tried so many new things inside and outside of myself. I resurrected feelings and actions I thought I had long lost, like finally giving compliments, learned to ice skate, willingly spent my money on others, offering to drive, went out on dates, came home before curfew without any problems, compromised, drove long distances for only short periods of time pleased, random romantic acts, said things like "we" and "us", gave nicknames, new ways to have sex, changed my clothes style, really just made an effort. For most of these two months I've been seeing red. Listening to only the love station on the radio and planning ways to keep him interesting and me still lovable. I guess the worse of it all was ending my friendship with Kiyani. I still think about her to this day and it's always such a strong mixed feeling. * I'll talk about that later.

And last night was spent with the usual suspects. things seemed to move so slow in my head because of all that I just shared floating on top of my brain. I do feel older than when this year first begun, I feel driven, and more capable than ever.

Respecting yourself means listening to your body and emotions continuously. Then acting beyond a linear logic to achieve ones goals. ~Author Unknown

So long 2011 ~ !!