The Jar

Yeah, I still think about how I ended my friendship with Kiyani. How we had stopped talking for weeks & yet it was such a big surprise to her that I was not happy. How my eyes stung as I spoke to her over the phone remorselessly, listening to her cry. It's not my fault that I felt like those tears were not for me. Once it was over I truly looked forward to her existence disappearing from my world just as easily as it did on FB. And for the most part it has. Maybe I did expect a small amount of continued effort. I text later that not or a couple of days from them but I got nothing. She did nothing really to change that other than make a new post expressing how idiotic she felt. She simply accepted the fate I gave us.

At first I felt I did the right thing for the right reason, which was that our friendship was no longer healthy. That letting her go was a way of respecting that she was still not over Ryan, conversely, her letting go of me was best because she still deeply treasured her friendship with Ryan and did not know how to balance her feelings between the both of us. She could never fully be happy for me.

She has a new boyfriend, a new best friend, a new person to give her %100 too. Darren is now in the picture and to a degree this makes me even more angry. All the attention, time and sacrifice she had given for Ryan was halted in a matter of weeks. Just like that her heart beats for someone else so passionately. According to tumblr... I wish we could have discussed this transition. It's none of my business now. And yet I am very grateful to this man, I don't know what I would've done if she had continued to reblogg quotes that gave her the slight ounces of hope that Ryan and her could work it out.

I was fine not really knowing or caring about her for a period after and then Ryan mention that he was still very angry with her. Anger is nothing more than emotion, a strong one. Love warped. I feel like due to his anger and lack of indifference they will eventually make up. I hate that even now they still have some type of connection. Even though they shared secrets that ruptured the over all trust I had for them they are still willing to keep in touch. I wish she cared enough about me to not have put herself into those intimate moments with Ryan back then, I wish she cared enough for me to quit talking to him. Point blank, because even after we ended out friendship she still had more to chat about with him them trying to see what was going on with me. It may not be fair statement to make but it feels like a slap in the face. He means more to her than I ever did. What I feel really does not matter when it comes to them. What they do is between them.
A part of me really wants to tell them both, individually, to just stop. Let it go before they wreck everything. ..but that is not logically a smart thing to do. They have minds of there own and I will not be the one to alter the future of what is suppose to happen. I seem so insecure. I had had to deal with this before.
I hate myself for holding onto thoughts like theses. Yeah, I was hurt, I am still hurting over her. I took her too literally when she told me that our friendship meant more to her than what she shared with Ryan. I let her slip in to easily. I wanted her friendship but she wanted Ryan more. She wrote him that 4 paged letter about how much she was still in love and loyal. She wanted to make clear that she would ALWAYS be there for him... if he really loved me he would've never fell for her. Sometimes I really can't tell which one of us is more wrong. Could Ryan really be controlling and manipulating things to have his ego stroked into this cluster fuck?

It's human though is it not? For me to clench onto this anger so much that my knuckles have turned white? The only one truly effected by these thoughts is myself. I'd do anything to let it go. I thought that creating the art work I did for on Christmas would help but it hasn't. Ryan and Kiyani still exchange their lives with each other and there's nothing I can do about it. My heart won't let me have as much anger towards him as I have for her. It's not just. I won't hold this in forever though.

"Please strip away this hate and just let it be." Is what I want to scream to myself. "All I want to do is love. "

Recap 2011

Roughly 16 hours ago I kissed 2011 goodbye. The new year Began and with out permission my mind decided to reflect on as much as possible.
Last new years I worked until 10 pm at target. I came home and sat online. I remember thinking about how I told Ryan we couldn't talk for a while. My feelings had grown for this stranger but I wanted to try to ignore them. I listened to the fire works popping outside my window and went to sleep a few hours later. This was also the month I began volunteering at the MD SPCA.

• February I adopted Zuko and went to Katsucon with Justin, Tanique & Peanut and Shared an amazing Valentines day dinner with 2 other couples.
• In March I was still very much involved with school and Pokemon Black
• I dont remember too much about April, May & June. I'm sure a lot of riding on my emotional roller coaster, raising my expectations, and getting more involved with dogs. I will add this part though. It was in June that I knew I was in love with Ryan. I loved Kiyani too. I loved Kage too. I wanted to really be with this guy and make us work. It was a lot around and inside me that month.
• July was quite possibly the best moment of my 20 years on this earth. Once a week I spent time with Jimmy, we made out and smoked and I was always so relaxed. In addition to celebrating my 20'th birthday, I hosted an amazing pot luck cook out with Kelitah, was constantly participating in new events such as walking in a 4th of July Parade, and then at the end, traveled to Puerto Rico for a week.
• August was one of the last times I spoke to my brother Sir, he shared a lot with me in one night and all I can remember was being so focused on him. His words, expressions and of course his movement. I was just happy as hell to be in his presence. I partied this month and was almost completely committed to putting my attention on Ryan. I let go of fears for the most part and tried to make myself as happy as I could most days. I went to VA beach with my fam and had a nice time, took nice pictures and was motivated to pick up the beautiful booked called "The Help".
• I lost and regained control in September. Even after Ryan and I had made things official Kage still managed to make me feel like my world was crumbling beneath my feet. We had stopped all communication for what seemed like forever and when we finally spoke I felt he was no longer the guy I had walked away from. It hurt the most because I was so sure that no one else could love me the way he did. I wanted Ryan but I knew he didn't love me. I knew that he couldn't and wouldn't keep his hands off Kiyani. I felt like I was alone in love. I had dug my own grave. Justin and Elliot are still very close to me. This month I saw a lot of them even though I had choose not to go back to school, I was still there with them and they were there for me. At some point I took time to clear my head, I left home for a week to stay with my cousin. I felt better about most things. I focused on me and eventually that lead me to Pet's Mart.
• And that's what changed. When October rolled around I was still very confident and content with myself I still felt things for Kage but for the most part could see our separation as natural and as always, temporary. I was pretty sure that I wanted to end the experiment session with Ryan and jump into serious but he proved to feel differently and told me so though his actions... that of which I didn't find out about until later. Understanding and working out my job at pets mart was a pretty big deal. I came home exhausted almost every day.
  

• All of November and December was a leap of faith. I ended my year very happy. My world had grown so much in many ways and also grew smaller. I really did love my job, my self, & my boyfriend. Everything else came after. It was scary how invested I had let myself become with someone else other than my soul mate. I tried so many new things inside and outside of myself. I resurrected feelings and actions I thought I had long lost, like finally giving compliments, learned to ice skate, willingly spent my money on others, offering to drive, went out on dates, came home before curfew without any problems, compromised, drove long distances for only short periods of time pleased, random romantic acts, said things like "we" and "us", gave nicknames, new ways to have sex, changed my clothes style, really just made an effort. For most of these two months I've been seeing red. Listening to only the love station on the radio and planning ways to keep him interesting and me still lovable. I guess the worse of it all was ending my friendship with Kiyani. I still think about her to this day and it's always such a strong mixed feeling. * I'll talk about that later.

And last night was spent with the usual suspects. things seemed to move so slow in my head because of all that I just shared floating on top of my brain. I do feel older than when this year first begun, I feel driven, and more capable than ever.

Respecting yourself means listening to your body and emotions continuously. Then acting beyond a linear logic to achieve ones goals. ~Author Unknown

So long 2011 ~ !!

It gets better

I believe with all my heart that no matter what is uncomfortable, what doesn't seem right, what hurts right now. Things always, always have a way of turning around - of getting better.
Drowning in sadness only happens once you've decided that you are not good enough to deserve the best.
My emotions at the moment have the best of me. There is no denying that these past few days have really made me question my moral.
At times I can catch myself sneaking around the backdoor to pick up yet another bitter, worry seed. It's painful to watch but I know that If I don't confront her soon she will eventually get too sick and I'll need to step in again anyway.
These seeds are silent and yet so powerful. The first thing they alter is the most important. My memory. I forget that I am special, that I am me, that's all I can be and that I should be capable of saying that with pride. No one else can be me er than me. I yet I forget that and wish that I could be over there somewhere.
This world is mine. I am important thus my life is not a waste.

Yo quiero un corazón fuerte

I may not be different, but I'm definitely not the same.

The other night I was not thinking clearly.... The world sucked and I felt hate. However, I'd like to believe that things have changed. Life can be so random. Instead of shutting down and drowning in my thoughts I got more feedback on what I was going through, I exposed this painful bitter seed inside of me and figured out a way to decrease it's burning effects.
I love myself too much to want to end my life.
I love myself for each and every choice I make. I love hearing myself laugh and sweet talk over the phone. I love the moments I feel alive.
Over a course of 24 hours I ate a nice warm meal with nothing but good music surrounding me, I sat for hours enjoying a newly purchased book, I ran away from and fought off an adventurous mouse, I really heard what Lystra had to say, I really heard what Andy had to say, I repeated over and over again that I wanted nothing more than a strong heart (un corazon fuerte), I got down on my hands and knees and cried out loud, I let myself be weak as I wanted, I cried until my pillow needed to be flipped over to the other side -I spoke aloud how much I wanted to unlock new doors deep inside me, I wrote angry letters never to be seen by anyone else..., I fell in and out of love then right back in, I forgave myself, I forgave him, I sleep well, I took a long hot shower, I called the job I planned on working for next and got an interview set up, just like that.& just like that, breathing became easy. I took control.

Courage

F.W.B

For the past couple of hours my face has been dealing with the 'leaky faucet syndrome'. During the day my vision becomes blurred by the amount of tears congregating, luckily they are easy to blink away.. I'm hopeless when the sun isn't up. If I simply look in the mirror too long, my tears will finally obey the laws of gravity. I feel broken and that simply will not do. That bitter seed that was planted deep with in me a long time ago has found a new source of sunlight. I feel it growing inside of me, along side it's friend worry and jealousy.

This is the part where I wish I were fucking dead.

I feel as though I am never strong enough to face and destroy these seeds inside me once and for all. I am not strong enough nor cold enough to trick my heart into doing what my brain tells me what is best.

I will get better. I am a better person.

It is a constant struggle to believe in myself at times like this. I want to throw a brick into the mirror while screaming "What are you learning from this Shayla!?"
What can I possibly be learning from feeling this pain right now? What is my body trying to teach me? Why are you still crying love?

For a month's time I was fine not worrying about this boy. I had forgotten all debts and all important words and feelings. I was content with trying to get my buttons pressed by another man. I had no doubts or exceptions from anyone. I just wanted him to be happy.

& Now..

His face.
Her face.
Faces of people I do not know.
Questions.
Heat rising.
Blood...
Why do I constantly think about how much he has hurt me? How I always feel betrayed? How I wish he was here right now-//that even if he were here he doesn't care if I cry in front of him// but still I let him in. Why do every time I have a chance to fix things I fuck it up? Why is it so hard to remember the happy times? Why is it that I amplify the painful times so much. It's so hard remembering all the times he would kiss my forehead and call me 'dear'.
I'm so done with feeling like I am never enough. Done with watching him walk away. Done with hearing 'I can't take care of you right now but I will.' Everything I do, It's for us.'

The images will not go away & I fuckin hate him.

&..... at the same time, I hate the idea of hating him so much. I want to forgive him every single time. I have disrespected him so many times and he never once said I don't love you anymore.
Why is it that I don't want him to look at another female/Ha! ..but that's too late. He's fucking them more now than ever.
Where the fuck did my happiness with Ryan go?!
The same person is still breaking my heart since '09.
I need to grasp on to that escape door like my life depended on it. But I can't find it right now. 2 fucking days later and nearly forgotten who I am to him.
Am I really so pathetic that despite what both my friends and family say I would do it over and over again?
I'm jumping all over the place now.
Moral of this story. You reap what you sow. & deep down I must be one sorry person...


No woman no Cry- Bob Marley

Something exciting is gonna happen

I'm waking up nauseated for the first time in a long time. I feel sticky, but not literally. Like my lungs have grown larger than my heart and are reaching its way to my throat. I don't like this feeling at all but I do know it will not last long. I won't let it, I'm far too busy to entertain this emotion.
Last night I was so anxious to get to that party; but upon arrival I was slightly disappointed by the turn out. This time I do not feel it was worth the entry price. It wasn't nearly as live as it had previously been. The music was fun and not being able to determine if I was wet from sweat or pool water took a lot of tension off me. Still, in the back of my head I reminded myself why I don't like raves, parties in general. Sometimes things happen that you wish you had not seen or where aware of. Personally I was fine pretending like ... never mind.
After the party Sir called me and then came over to talk. It was so nice, I really missed watching and listening to him. He makes me smile with his performances all the time and to actually be requested that night was pretty much what I needed before sleep.
This morning I caught up with Lys and that too was a great feeling.
I need to keep the promise to myself to stay busy, hustle even when no one is watching. I can't afford to daydream about what ifs and why nots.

I'll be picking up a book tonight and getting lost in it. Dance central will come later but it will come. I am starting to struggle with my weight again. I won't panic just do and eat the right things.

The Help

I've been finding it difficult to update my thoughts into Blogger. My two biggest canvases lately have actually been my friends and a legit journal I started when I was in Puerto Rico. I wrote in that little book every night while on the trip cause I didn't have a computer. I really don't feel like going over all that I had learned and all the joys and accomplishments I experienced. It was and will be one very important milestone in my life.
I've been at Virginia Beach since Monday with my family, we just came back home today. This trip was also a fairly decent one. The weather was nice and the connection and laughs made it all worth it.

Awake all day

Santuary -Utada Hikaru

If we as [teenagers] are only allowed just one day where nothing get ruined; where next to nothing turns out bad or ends on a sour note, well then I surely have used up my one day pass. Today was just.. too much to handle.
I don't think I have ever cried so much from being happy. I was so happy it ached.
I could only focus bringing these people together and having enough food for everyone. I'll admit I did have my lazy moments but it didn't matter. My dad was there backing me up the entire time. I kept hearing what a good job I did and that everything was great while the event was still going on. It was better than an graduation, wedding, baby shower I ever imagined for myself. Wow. It's not even that I feel awesome it was just the turn out. I was shocked that all these people could once again be around me & Kelitah yet again.
I was happy I gave some many people their moments to somewhat shine. To be heard or watched or thanks for making such wonderful food. I may forget the events but I will never forget how this all made me feel.

To be honest, I was also very happy upon hearing that a certain someone hasn't completely closed off his heart. I was so happy that I turned out to only be a speed bump and not a total dead end. I'm not even capable of possessing that power.
& that's the way, this wheel keeps working now////

So I would hope that I get to see Harry Potter before my departure, maybe in the morning when its still cheap. I don't even mind seeing it alone, I just need to complete this task. It's always a bitter sweet aroma around things that officially come to an end.

Dig

I've been living for 20 years now. Today I had a large breakfast with my family and then went straight to work. Naturally, I arrived 30 minutes too early so I pulled out a notebook and did some serious reflecting. I'm not going to pretend I feel wiser or have a better understanding of how life works. I just know that no matter what has happened or will happen I still love myself. Very much.

Peaceland

"The nicest thing" - Kate Nash

I love watching interracial couples interact. They are for the most part just like any other happy couple but with a bonus and disadvantage of skin color. I'm sure some couples may chose to keep their families as far out their business as possible but others have found ways to just make their parents 'shut up and deal with it.'

- fearless

When I'm at work interracial families are definitely on the top 5 list of shoppers I see. Old white women walking biracial children around by their hands, White man holding his new born son as a black women pays for the purchase, a group of white high school girls come in to buy bras and bikinis and the one biracial girl fits right in ranting about last nights party.
I don't know when it happen, not that it matters but it's just so beautiful to me. The idea that a man or woman could look at a person different from themselves and fall in love. Regardless of what time period they grew up in, the possible outcome of their child and of course their gender or race. Biracial kids are so beautiful to me, and yet deep down I have some sad thoughts attached.

I guess I had my chance once back in high-school. A white boy told me he loved me and stole my first kiss. I didn't know much about love or relationships back then but thinking back on it. I am thankful for him and his courage.
-----

There has been a lot of mixed ideas and emotions floating around my head simultaneously; especially when a just lie in my bed. I feel stuck in the middle again. Almost to the degree of being that middle child. My older sister is ready for the pain and struggle it takes be beautiful. She wants to handle more responsibility - granted she has the knowledge and courage to constantly work for for it. She feels like moving out and having less social time is becoming more personal.
My younger sister wants to be noticed for her simply doing what she's suppose to do, she wants affection and praise. She wants to feel weightless, living life day by day.

I need to believe in myself.

In my heart & in my goals.
Even when I feel like I shouldn't
I believe that I can always try again tomorrow and I believe in my friends. I believe in the kindness in peoples hearts and the pursuit of happiness.
I believe in love and forgiveness.
I believe there is a God and there will be a time of liberation.

Goodnight.

Bailar conmigo

"Always be my baby" - David Cook.

It's pretty odd but I find myself listening to this cover twice every morning before I leave the house. First I just listen, then I sing along. At this point that song is so beautiful I want to dedicate it to everyone I ever knew.

Today I went to my first Latino fest, the weather was nice and there was a huge turn out. The overall square feet of the event wasn't as big as I had expected. I spend almost the first hour there by myself then ran into my cousins, Lys and then Kemet & co. I was comfortable with how everything turned out; got to practice my Spanish, watch people dance & yada yada. A few hours after that I found myself in that dreadful black hole known as Orpheus. We didn't stay long, just poked our heads in long enough to get noticed and requested then rolled out. Transformers style.
Ok. I lied, I rolled out. Leaving mis tres amigas there to finish getting their party on.


Speaking of partying on.
Kelitah and I are throwing one next month. I'm sure it'll be the opposite of a totally fail. Providing that it does not rain, guest come in a good mood and that I have pre-made food available. I'm so anxious I wanna just go out and buy the things on my list next time I work but that would be pointless; I gotta learn to take things day by day.

Like this whole PR trip, and the requirements needed beforehand. Driving out to essex for less than 4 hours seems a bit insane to me, but it's gotta be done. I wont think about it again until my alarm goes off reminding me that I should be heading out. & that's the end of that story

The Sweetest Sin

"I'll run" - The Cab

So I guess, for the time being, I will be getting back into reading astrology....
I now only look at it as fascinating not defining. I could careless what the book/ net says the stars say about me or how I'm suppose to be. If I don't what to stay indoors all day I don't want to stay indoors. I prepare meals on my time and enjoy doing it solely in that time period. I do not feel very motherly about anybody except for the animals I work with at the SPCA. I do not know how to comfort or offer swell advice but I will listen. I am very capable of doing that. Ironically, in a way I am still living up to the rules of the practice and that is being selfish.

With that being said, trying to understand the mind of a Taurus seems like a lot of work. Relationships in general seem to be a constant act of humbling ones self and having the freewill to make that persons day delightful. Playing the devils advocate for a second, the risk of relying on one person to provide those positive hormones to you on a regular seems like a job not just anyone can get or keep.

I can't seem to over analyze this situation, at all. There is just this mental block that is just as strong as it was when it was first built. I can work around it, and I can see through it sometimes but climbing over it seems to be an idea that has long since blown away with the wind. However, I do appreciate the encouragement the books offers, implying that cancer x Taurus are pretty much soul mates/ perfect for each other. "Do not throw this pairing away so easily".

Pure Imagination

"I admit to having an imagination feverish enough to melt good judgment"

"Day & Night"- Kid Cudi

I am so far from sleepy right now. Knowing that I have to be at work in 7 more hours.... how unlike me. I want to scream right now, and cry like I use too. I am feeling over whelmed with ..a grey matter. Not pain or pleasure but maybe a two piece combo w/ a side of heartlessness.

I would like to briefly pick up on where I last left off, about an hour ago. The "new soul" that is showing me all types of kindness without me every asking for it. I get a pang in my heart sometimes and at the same time It makes me feel even more alive. Let me explain... It hurts because to me, regardless of the identity of the sender the fact that I was targeted for the good feelings must mean that I am being noticed. It's always shocking and makes me curious weather I have the same affects on others also. & so this genuine and effortless efforts she makes has caught me off guard in every way
((((((WHY?! ))))))
I ask this but I really do know the answer all ready. I am special, I am beautiful, patient, funny, sweet, understanding and I know I have elude positive energy as much as possible.

Maybe what I'm thinking is nothing but my purest of imagination but I love this new soul, more than I was ready too and regardless of what happens I will wish her the best as I do with everyone who comes and goes.

"Boom Boom Boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon"

----

Switching topics drastically right now.

Next month I will be packing my bags and flying with a group of dynamic, diverse and open minded colleges to the US territory known as Puerto Rico. I'm really excited more for the the service work I will be doing rather than the tourist lifestyle I will be living/ condition I will be living in just for a week.

Today was my Alternative Summer Break [ASB] retreat. We pretty much ate, played games that helped to get to know each other better and made plans that will help us raise money. I'll be selling chocolate bars by the butt load also.
The biggest obstacle I have with this trip is time management. Work, volunteering, school, tutoring, socializing... it will all have to align them selves damn near perfectly and allow me to reach out to them accordingly.

I can barely contain my excitement :]

EVERYTHING..happens for a reason

.....right?

I really want to believe that. For one thing, I have been naturally waking up at 7am for the past few weeks. I'm not sure what sparks it; the heat from the sun, the sounds I hear outside or my dreams. All I know is that once I'm up, I'm up. I can now afford to take my time in the morning to examine myself and check my attitude on things. I should now have time to detox myself but I don't. I usually spend it online....

"Uh-Oh" - Lumidee

To be honest, I have not been blogging for a while for the most insecure reasons ever; I don't want anyone to read them anymore. I want to write about how I feel but I never feel comfortable doing it on blogger anymore. I feel like some readers would think little of me; to be disappointed. Even pointless thoughts like this make me shy away from pressing send.

So here I am now. Open because the one who knew me the most is now out of my life once more and I don't know for how long or if he even should come back.
This isn't a 'nothing else matters anymore'. Its more of my just fulling a request to reflect. To take my time and have the motivation to better myself.

We all know I have a thing for that Ryan fella. Although it is likely that I be looked at as lustful, reckless, and inconsiderate. I see it in a different light. He sees me and hears me better than most and without the use of psychical senses. Long story short, (yet not really well grounded) I choose my follow my head over my heart because after all, your heart can be easily blinded and corrupted. I chose to leave no one in the dark about this and to patiently wait for my attitude to make the appropriate adjustments. I accepted myself rather than said mean things behind my back & sooner than later a new soul appeared in the middle of it all. Making ever so light foot prints on my heart and ways of thinking. This female is a lot like how I already see myself. Awkward, flirty, funny, active, fashionable & sweet. Then there is of course another side to her, which, I feel like; "well why didn't I pick up those traits yet as well?" We have the flirtatiousness, the affectionate, the loyalty/ obsession to her boyfriend, the loud, quick tempered, aggressive and blunt speaker.

I didn't get those traits because that's not Shayla. Obviously.
Regardless if that's what Shayla wants to behave like. Who says that's how I ought to be? Attempting to make that a reality is killing off the character already assigned at one point.
..... right?

I have more than enough evidence to believe that, that which was just stated is my default style of thought. (Something Justin and I have in common). It's neither bad nor good in my opinion.
Although it may be read as though I claim it more as a curse rather than a "baby I was born this way." I am capable of coming off in any sense of attitude I wish -it's just that responding in ways that are more natural make me feel as though 'everything happens for a reason."

Keep Going

Sensual Seduction - Snoop Dogg


This will probably be one of my most pathetic entries yet.
For I have fell under the spell of my bed. I can't seem to leave it no matter how hard I invasion me being anywhere else. Just like a crab. I feel safe here, watching movies and occasionally working with my new marker set.
Lately, I just feel too much, it's overwhelming to say the least. My words are slurred and my motivation has been shot in the heel. I want to ride my bike, I want to pretend that I am readying myself for a marathon of some sort. I want to be able to actually fit into the couple workout pants I brought and took off the tags too fast.
-
-
-

I'm bothered by everything at the moment, I'm moving too slow for my liking and I most of all, I hate the fact that I am complaining. I wish I could just hang up all these unwanted feelings on a coat rack and put on my super woman vest. I pray for a clear mind.

In other news, Ive gone nearly 4 weeks make up free. I was never dependent on it, but I had a conversation with a girl who believed that I was, every time she saw me I had it on. That was a little shocking to me, seeing as how I never really defined eyeliner as make up anyway.. or if so, no more drastic than glasses or a hat. On and off.

P.S.I will make it to the beach in the near future, I just can't wait.

Con mis amigoes

I get by with a little help from my friends : The Beatles

Nothing poetic or beautiful is on my mind tonight. Nothing regarding the news in the world or news from within. I just wanted to briefly acknowledge my sometimes louder voice that echos only online. Perhaps I am suffering from writers block? Or maybe it's just that I've finally began to vent my feels towards another form of life and have found blogging not as much of a necessity as it has been in the past? Or could I be back to square one; sharing none of my thoughts with anyone or anything. Giving them no room to breathe or grow. Who knows?

I feel as though, nothing is missing nor been forgotten. Somethings I think about have finally been laid to rest and a more positive outcome is the result. New friendships means a new chance to try again, taking the love I have and hoping that it'll be returned. Maybe even paid forward.
It's nice to know that some of my oldest friends still find time to call or answer a call from me and lighten up my day even more.
It's amazing what one authentic smile flashed can do to the rest of my day///
I am thankful and free inside my head right now. Everything shines brighter under the night sky. I do not regret nor feel guilty any longer. With an open heart and open arms I await what the future has in store

The sun always sets

Last Sunday it took everything I had to not leap out of my skin due to stress, both good and bad of course. I woke up super early because I was excited; the Druid Hill March for the Animals event had finally arrived- and I wouldn't attend empty handed. Dylan had spent the night and was by my side the entire time. He was so well behaved and excited to just be out the house and put to work, by work I mean was allowed to strut his stuff. Soon after I had got out my brother and I were out the door. My ambitions to have my cake and eat it too was abruptly cut sort when Dylan went ballistic at the site of Snoball, I mean like if I didn't pick Dill up he really would have started to get at Snoball. It was unfortunate that I couldn't bring them both. On my way to the park I hit a curb really hard and got a flat tire. That took out at least 45 minutes.. I really considered just turning around and going home after AAA came to repair.
But I didn't.
I made it to the march and had a great time.

Don't look back in anger

A power struggle collapses when you withdraw your energy from it.
Power struggles become uninteresting to you when you
change your intention from winning to learning about yourself.

Recently, I seed that was once planted deep within my core, has begun reveal it's true beauty. I couldn't have done it on my own, it took more than the translucent sunbeams of my reality. Someone swelling with experience had to rain and hydrate the course seed that made up my self.

I still have so much to learn opening my heart and shutting my mouth will only make the process seem less of a chore and more of a blessing. I want do for you, provide for you, enlighten you, dance for you. You are, my only exception. Thank you for trying, thank you for having your own goals, thank you for being so strong and beautiful. I only want the truth... so, why not trust in you? In us? We are alive. I want to laugh with you, embrace you, learn from you and submerge myself in you.

I want to be with you.

I want to do something fun for anime club soon, I will most likely bake a ton of cookies. Not completely from scratch but perhaps I will design a Pikachu on all of them. I'll need a cookie cutter, sugar, chocolate chips ...and lots of yellow & red icing. Chuu~~

Boonaa Mohammed - Beautiful