Ending '09

Announcer Guy: Ride that Surf!

Sorry, Still on the Pokemon high.
So Kage and I just created a blogger together. Epic no?
Music is great. 500 Days of Summer ...even better. Guess what? I have another cold. Geez, how unfortunate am I?

"Tryna be cute,.. You need to put a coat on!" - Dad

Two days ago, me, my mom and brother went up to Delaware to visit Verna and her kids. It's was pretty nice, before we even finished unpacking we were all in the dinning room singing karaoke. Everybody song at least one Michael Jackson song. It was pretty memorable to say the least. There was so much good/ organic food for me; not to mention cakes, cupcakes and fruit. I'm not going to lie I ate a lot, I lied down a lot too. Double negative.
Every chance I had to play our new game "Just Dance" failed and failed hard. Poor Toji, if he never invites me over again I'll totally understand.
I feel like I haven't seen my friends in a while. It's winter break, I don't have to go back until effin February and yet I have not seen Shaun, Dean, Danni, Sir, Kelitah, Jasmine, etc.
*Insert big sad face*
Ron and I are still cool I guess, I feel like I haven't seen him in a long time and now, apparently he doesn't have a phone. Meh.
Christmas passed really fast. I supposidly ran over my brothers psp. [My bad bro!]
I havent been getting many hours but when I do work, I work long and hard. Kids and ignorant people come in swarms. [I'll be going to work tomorrow].

Ummm, I'll guess I'll end this with a quote.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Smile - set your self free

Current Song. Gravity - Sara Bareilles

& So my happy ending has not yet decided to let me into it's gates. However, I've learned something.. or more so, remembered something I should have keep close to me from the beginning. The key to failure is trying to please everyone.
Right now, I'm tired. I but feel like I can finally rest for a while and thanks to the universe, and its choosing to work in mysterious ways, a white sheet of innocence and forgiveness penetrates my soul. My heart.
I took a bath the other . Candles, music and darkness. As the heat rose my defense fell and I drifted into a state of loneliness. I was me and only me.

Happy Almost Turkey Day

So I'm here sitting in Panera blogging like a real college student. 'Except for I'm wearing my world renowned cat hat and look at me goggles. Shavoooooon works here now shes still odd as ever muhahaha. Ron is blah blah blahing right now about not wanted to eat his Doritos right now and threatening to 'T' me right now.
Anyway. So school is almost over and I survived it all. Math and English switched places in my priority role. Finals are going to be a b*tch.

• I brought this chick, I mean dress on impulse the other day. It was free shipping; only $40.00. I can't what to wear it.... although it is defiantly a summer/ spring dress.

I saw Precious with my mommy the other day, now I'm reading the book. The book is so much better. I real cataclysm.

I'm really side tracked right now. brb

The Funny thing about Cake

Games are meant to be played and almost always result in a loser and a winner. I’m usually the loser.

I came to a confusing realization last night; I’ve grown to like the person I said I wouldn’t and would rather watch it fail, because I knew it would. Jealousy is an ugly suicidal emotion. In some ways I think I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill but in others I think I can make this assumption due to the fact that I know me. I know that I can’t be trusted and that I trust others far too easily. All I ask for is love (happiness) and peace; but taking a closer look at that request, it’s probably far too broad for anyone to feel comfortable in themselves or actions. “Just what makes you happy Shayla? What gives you peace?”

My dreams are my clarity. I don’ think I can explain it any better. Your lips and mine.

--Sometimes I give into sadness sometimes I don't.

Usagi ( ウサギ) is coming home in two days. How exciting; for how long I wonder? Regardless we will be kicking it old school -You down with OPP -day in and day out. With that good news aside, I'd like to believe that my Japanese has drastically improved. Not only can I read and right in Hiragana & Katana; I'm started to hear it and understand it (ちょと) a little bit in the Anime I watch. 一期ましまっる　がすきです! (I love strawberry marshmallow!)











The way I see it, as of right now I don't know what I want from any stupid boys. && what I do want is out of my reach not because it truly is but because I have yet to speak it into existence. Thus the cycle continues, nothing from nothing will always lead you with nothing. Like Sir said last night, I need to take risks. Throw it out there and let the Universe decided what happens next. Until next time　みない、 じゃね。。。

Coming to Blogger Soon:
Shayla [Next] Blog!
Starring: Shayla
Namedrops?..Not likely
Rated VP [Vegetarian Panda]

R&R

• Currently Listening to Song for a friend -Jason Mraz.

I totally wanted to talk about me tonight. Ya, know what's going in [shay] LaLa Land. But. I'm only as selfish as my heart will let me be, and right now a very close friend of mine seems to be having a chronic 'moment' that is going on. A thunderstorm of torn and heartfelt emotions. Soooo this is my attempt to reach out and I guess, be heard?
Ahh~h I'm a little nervous because the chance of this opening up, response thingie I'm about to do is at risk of being ignored... && It wouldn't be the first time..



1. Intro: Beautiful.
I think you're beautiful Ron.
But don't let that all go to your head.
I love your mind and at the same time .. as you stated in your blog :

My words don't echo in people's minds because the instant somebody does care, it floats out of them later in the day when they realize that the problems that plague me plague them ten times worse.

I'm afraid of feeling your pain... your hatred.
I am learning to love myself for me. Love has an enemy and that is hatred. I can only try to sympathize so much. To hate humanity the way you say you do makes me sick. I could never. The idea of being alone isn't peaceful to me at all; no, not when so many wonderful people, places and opportunities exist. I do not think that it is our purpose to understand one another but to recognize them and maybe, see a small piece of yourself in them as that continue on their journey of self actualization. After all we are all connected.
______
2. School
& So, Just like tonight in the car you told me your current status in school I had nothing to say.
I still don't. You don't need to hear anything I would have to say..it's already inside of you. Besides, Anything I would want to say would without a doubt seem just a bit hypocritical. I finished school. I enjoyed most of my classes just for the heck of it. I guess I didn't know better. The stuff that everyone seems to be preaching to you (in my own opinion) is gold. Accept that that's how some people may perceive things and move on I guess. You have so much support from agencies and the chance to get in to college and simple to don't want it. Not admirable but I accept it. Just know that for every action there is a reaction. I am not implying that feelings of regret will ever occur I'm just telling you that I do care about you not the school system and can only hope for the obvious best in the near future.
______
3. Love.
[Moving on ..... Lol]
______
4. Conclusion: Peace

Jason Mraz. IDK if you know how much I love this guy, probably not as much as
You x Nicco x Kurt lol but he really is great. .... Just saying.

Um, this world is mad and [we people a re] done for. Life is depressing. That's old news. It bothers me that people are never done with that thought... Or should I say fact. It's understandable want to distance yourself with people who do so little with them selves because that's simply not you or whatever. However, just as your punk rock role in this world stands; the " i don't give a shit" attitude emerges from your flesh. You are in fact [American] human with the mind and make up of pretty much everyone else.

"You are not special. You are not a
beautiful or unique snowflake. You are
the same decaying organic matter as
everything else."
~Tyler~

______

&& I love you and I' m lucky to have found you as randomly as I did. I hope that peace will one day enter your soul and calm the loneliness and uncomfortableness you feel. I believe the answers already stored within you; soon you will break free and realize you're awakening.
***

P.S.: W.T.F... its 2:00a.m
PS #2. Please stop smoking [cigs] that's .... just no.

The best e-mail I've ever recieved.

Ok So, I know I have so much more to talk about and trust me I'll get to that later, but today while checking/ cleaning out my hundreds of emails and chain letters I actually stopped and checked out Anna's most recent one. You know Anna... Dylans little sister.

Hey Shayla,
Do you remember me? LOL!! Why don't you come over anymore and I've been e-mailing you. What's taking you soooooooo long???????

-Anna
PS:Do you talk to Dylan anymore or are you gies not friends anymore? If your not friends anymore then why? but you don't really have to tell me I'd just like to know..........
wait do you even like me anymore? If you don't like me just because you don't like Dylan that would be totally lame...no affence
Do you just not like me or what!!!!!!!??????????
Bye

WTF. I almost wanted to cry she's so cute and I can't believe she still thinks of me. and her brother!!!! *bp... her brother has prevented me from seeing her. What a bummer. Anyway, I made sure my reply was just as happy as I am right now.

Thee Match Maker

So it's been raining for two days straight. It's cold out and I really hate that I'm driving so much. Tonight's rant isn't as happy as the previous ones. So.. blame the rain.

People are not in control of how I feel about myself. But they do however provoke the way I choose to carry myself.

I must have the best of friends, they can always seem to find love within this system of mine. Seriously. I'm happy for their fortune but at the same time bitter by the fact that it doesn't work that easily for me. The last dude I was introduced to by a peer ended up breaking my heart. Ha. I pretty much gave him permission to..
I'm juggling right now.
It's fun but my arms are getting tired. My heart, heavy. My mind is playing tricks on me right now. I keep replaying things only a person in pursuit would dare to think of. I don't want to go down that path no longer because it's scary but because it's draining. I can feel it already. The disappointment. The longing. The guilt.

++ What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am.
I never meant to be so cold.

So what shall I do next?
I was never good at waiting for others to move.
I'll either move too fast and ruin it all or move too slow slow and get left behind. Who's really foolish enough to walk beside me?
//
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY.... was scary. I liked being in a completely sold out movie theater (Arundle Mills) Dean Bean is love! Haha.

Rule #32 : Enjoy the little things. Good Night

Daijoubu desu...

Sorry for the delay.
For some reason
I was lock out of my own blogger dashboard.
all is well. :)So its is now officially Autumn/ Fall. October really is a beautiful month.
Leaves are so pretty!
The weather is... nice for the most part.
Today was by far the coldest since Spring left but pretty none the less.
I've been paying more attention to those things. ya kno, big white clouds, leaves, squirrels and chipmunks ... |nature|.
And with this change also comes a more mental and emotional one from with in.
Love, joy and inspiration are all pumping through my veins; keeping me warm, making me smile....

\\:UPDATES

• I just completed another adorably cute anime series, Lovely Complex. 24 eps. So of course I'm going to be a "dick rider" for a brief moment. Risa & Otani ftw!
• I'm drawing again. Slowly but surely gaining back what was rightfully mine!
• Due to the extrmely shitty hours I get at AMC... I've turned into a movie junkie. Zombieland, Pandorum, Toy Story 1-2, Capitalism: A love story, I can do bad all by my self, All about Steve.... Are some that I have recently seen and really enjoyed.
  If I'm lucky..er. daring enough, Ron and I will probally go see the shit your pants movie: Paranormal activity this weekend.
• I hate driving but winter is a approaching and I'd be stupid to choose now to start riding the bus. Bummer.
• Halloween is coming up soon. I plan on being my main mans Freddy kruger. I have the outfit already.. sortve. I just need to get the epic claw from party city.
• I've been looking for a new job *gasp* Toys R Us. Pets Mart. Game Stop.. The list will grow until I actually get the shit. I gave up my interview at a Halloween store and ironicly Nicco the hobo got it. [Don't get me wrong I love hobos. Just not this one. not even a little. :)]

さむい!!

Geez it's cold .
I need to start practicing my Japanese more often.
It's fun.
Watchin anime doesn't really help me cause they in no way speak "proper".
I won't give up. I won't.
Nihongo Kurasu daisuki. suki suki! ♥ <333>

Everlong

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” William Shakespeare.

So my mind is a bit cluttered. I'm at a lost & I don't really know what to do. When I think about acting I get angry and big headed so I move on. Yoga and eating healthy are my go to activities. I drawn and completed a picture (it came out great btw), I've cooked, cleaned up my room, practiced my Japaneses and even got my hair dyed again. All of this, things I love, seem so distant. I'm restless! I want to see my love again. I want to be by my friend...

I swore I wouldn't let anyone get to me but I know I'm not that type of person.

Talking to Sir is defiantly proof - as mean as he can be to me. I know he's lonely and just needs a friend. I won't judge him or get involved I just like listening to him cause I know how much doing just that can help a soul. He's also a great advice giver. It makes so much sense.. .the things he says, at times. It makes me wonder if he truly knows his potential. Maybe he does and that's what hurts so much. Who knows.
I need to draw again. I'm not as rusty as I thought. It helps me focus. Speaking of which, I have homework that' s starting to pile up. English 101 is very intimidating -I pretty much will have to re read A Long Way gone// that way I can highlight notes and answer the questions she assigns. I wonder what my essay will be about. I barely have class tomorrow so I'll have a lot of time to start.

O-yasumi-nasai おやすみなさい

Cause Every Time We Touch

- -Currently listening to :
Lykke Li - Little Bit


All is well.....



What a busy week I can proudly look back upon. New burning and re ignited flames warm my heart and body. Feeling what I feel when I feel it has never been so satisfying!
My sensee (Tojo) has put into action a study abroad class trip to Japan. I can see it. I can really see it. A week? Ten day? who knows, but I do know if that means putting in more hours at work and studying harder outside of class then so be it. My dream for years is transcending.
TIGER CON 2009 was held at Towson University all day yesterday. I believe this was there second year. The JRock band Geist (who was all so the opening act for Kannon @ Otakon '09) mentioned something about it...
It was pretty nice, everyone made the most of it.
I'm not going to lie I was in a really pissy mood on my up there. Doing favors for people without gas money really stabs at my motivation, but after meeting up with everyone I cooled down and began the bubbly "vegetarian" we all know and love. I of course cosplayed as my beloved SOUL and fit right in with the other long haired cosplayers. Jojo and the gang where pretty much my sidekicks. Anna and Kage had been there for hours and had pretty much made a connection. Which was fine I just felt a little bad that I didn't chill with her like I said I would the day before. Instead I was out with Kage in towson, then Dean and I went on a date then Ron, Nicco and I entertained ourselves in my car.

Well anyways I'm grounded now. school and work.
Let see how that goes.

The thought of leaving home, living in my own place is really, really excited.

Ame AMe Kyuuobi!

Today it rained [a lot ] all day.

I did however found time to chill with Peanut & Ron.
Ron beat my ass in a pokemon battle then Peanut utterly detroyed the both of us countless amounts of times.
Hah. Later we went around to different places for food and cash checking stuff. We also went to Columbia to see Tim Burtons fail. I mean movie "9".

Synopsis:
9 was that last of his kind to be created.
Curiosity got the best of him and led to the awakening of the beast.
Thus leading to the many deaths of his friends
& after a heroic display to defeat the beast, his friends had a proper burials
and life continued on as it dead before 9 was there...
WTF ?!. Solid D. Don't waste your time or money. ...Jus saying.

& on an even more almost far fetched note I got into my first car accident.
Wet roads don't give you much time to stop at red lights....
I slid into the back of a sexy red car like some major league baseball player. No one was killed. obviously. The little girl from the other car and Peanut both banged their heads some how and was in pain but nothing too bad happened. Well the front of my car is rather bent up. But hey "at least we have our health"...
I'm sorry everyone.

(Ha how ironic I here "wee o wee o wee" (Lil Waynes song] playing up in my parents room))

I am CCBC: Zero Gravity

[RECAP]:
I'm a college kid!
My first week of college was a very high spirited one. I have taken in a lot for a lot has happened.
I have four classes; health, English, Math & Japanese. The teachers seem cool enough and the diversity of race and age range is absolutely fascinating. I just hope that when the time come when I am asked to more; I will face it with a confident and willing attitude. Gotta set a good example for my lovelies. :)

I have my own car now. My mom decided it was time she got a new (used) upgrade of her Civic and so now a light blue Accord joins the family. I called my self pimping out my car the other day but getting stickers, dangely things, and two car seat covers. I know it's a bigger responsibility now so i gotta be firm about the people who ride with me....



Kodocha (Kodomo no omocha)
I finished the series yesterday!
102 Episodes killed in 15 days.
I loved it. #1 favorite Shojo/ Romance anime.
(1kodocha. 2kare kano. 3host club. 4fruits basket. 5paradise kiss.)

Jasmine is off to Florida for a while starting today. She sprung it on me so randomly. Blllah. Now what? Lol. Everyone is working / college. I just wanna play!!!
*selfish*
So my mind got the best of my last night. Besides chatting it up with my main mans Pecan. er.. I mean Peanut for a ba-jillion hours. I was so. so. So. worried about the locations of my peers. Unpleasant dreams and even some reoccurring nightmares truly kept me from a good night rests. Ugh! I am such an immature and dependent person.... I wont go into much detail but *sigh*.....

"Shayla. what on earth am i going to do with you?"

([4give but don't forget. Live & Learn])

sometimes that seems to generic/ cliche but it really is worth keeping in my heart...

__________________

I am more than willing to do more for the people I care about. It makes me happy. Regardless of I get a -thank you- or not.

*Let the beauty you love be what you do*

TODAii

Today I began reading the book WHAT MATTERS (by David Elliot Cohen)
Burrowed from a great friend, the book is a photojournalists collection of "essential" issues of our time.
A great book.
I've been jotting down notes all morning. Child Brides, HIV/AIDS epidemic & genocide appealed the most to me. I honestly can say I would love to one day volunteer my services in (South) Africa. :) ...

• Went to Giants brought whole grain rice, black & green tea & a cart of blueberries.
• _Did a 13min Ab work out
• _Got my hair washed, perm cut out & twisted
• _Spoke to Tim (the man destined to lock my hair in the near future)
• _Cooked rice
• _Made a meal! (Cheese Ravioli )

I'm in a really really good mood right now and that's a good thing too seeing as I'll be going to work in an hour.
Nothing more to say.

Unlearn, rewind, Defy

"Happiness. Real, when Shared"
- Chris McCandless aka Alexander Superstamp

( February 12, 1968 –August 18, 1992) Life Changing!

• Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler. -Henry David Thoreau
  

I enjoy living. I swear I do. It's the quick little turns on a long boring road that gives my heart the extra jolt of energy. Laughing let's me know that I've made it through the day.
Anime and art makes me so happy. The other day Usagi and I went to see Hayao Miyazaki's PONYO. The story of a 'goldfish' that fell in love with a 5 year old boy....
It was such a delight to see. Besides getting lost on the way to the mall. I feel it was well worth it. Defiantly one of my favorites...

&& It seems that the closest person to me really needs Lady Luck by his side for the next couple of days. In one night, he managed to make that one big mistake that could ruin his life,.. our reality. We'll make it through some how.

Karmas A bitch

I watched a very interesting movie today, Into the wild.
Bout a young man(Chris) fresh out of college who dropped everything and became a nomad. On a journey (tramping) to Alaska. Very extreme and inspiring. Unrealistic for someone like me. None the less I really appreciated his rather selfish decision. "Ultimate Freedom."
I want to do what I have to before doing what I really want to do. && hopefully by then what I really want will be more clearer.

I'm in love with this strangest of ideas.

A hero from what would most commonly be considered a fairy tale.

Heroes are usually forgotten

Home Sweet Home

• What I cannot love, I overlook. Is that real friendship?

Room 2345

Current Song: This is how it feels - The Veronicas.
Current Mood: Ugly.

Mann I wish I'd updated sooner, When the feelings were still fresh.
My "date" with Shaun was really nice. The ice cream was good and just as memorable as the laughs. .. He surprises me ... more than he'll ever know. Love ya dude..

BOnjour from Florida!

Yeap; (Day one) in that sunny orange place. ^_^
I don't really miss anyone in particular nor do I feel homesick. Traveling is nice. Planes and diversity excites me.
I'm happy with the fact that I'm away from it all.
I really do miss Dean and Danni. I'm pretty sure I'll run into them before "school" starts back up.
My skin is acting up and I really don't want to eat. Blllllaaaaahhh I'm such a party pooper!

-------ugly duckling syndrome.

Tomorrow the fam and I are heading down to the beach first thing. For the most part I'm excited. Oh and I also was informed that if I wake up early enough I can see dolphins and Stingrays from our window.
*sigh*If I wasn't so sleepy I'd have more to say... Until next time.

Toxic Candy

Inhale, Exhale.
I dare you to move (instrumental)- Switchfoot

Today was a firework.
A sheer spark of imagination.
It started with me, my mom and my brother going downtown to the farmers market. It was a lot smaller than the one we usually go too but it was still pretty great. My brother and I shared a blueberry smoothie. The blender was powered by a bicycle. Great.
After thaaaaat... I picked up Usagi, Peanut & Ron and we attended the Toxic Candy Party of the summer. The house was located somewhere in the Towson/ York it was nice size but hot as hell!
I caught a flat on my way there and spent a good amount of time trying to get that fixed. Alot of people showed up and there was a loooooot of booze. I had a few drinks here and there, hugged random people, got wet and made some new *cough* friends.
Dreads, Boobs, Beer, Sharpies, music, piercings, hot dogs, DDR & one big ass dog.
I had fun but that fun slowly died the later it got. I mean the water balloon fight was pretty cool,watching the losers streak was funny, dodging Bernard was amusing, Seeing a naked Scarlet Sin was nice ....

I got a light headache and a bit irrated towards the end. Drunkin Riot, walking in on a maybe something that I shouldn't have seen, not getting my gas money, watching pretty ladies strut there stuff.
I didn't really let loose like i thought I would. I had many chances, I guess you can say I was a bit attractive... buut hey, over all I am not a party person. People make me angry, nuff said.
I'm done.

{thunderstorm}

DNA test says....

You are not the mother.
"Lol good cause I'm not trying to be!"
It's just weird....
Am I just weird for wanted to take care of someone other than myself?
Without having to be asked?
....I think I'll save this rant for another day.

Anyway.___ So me not being invited to Laurens birthday party is still lingering in the back of my head.

• I don't like facebook.
• *sigh*
• Just keep moving forward
  

SOoo today I played cupid and delivered Usagi the man of her dreams (aka brandon). They seemed really shy and happy around each other and that made me laugh. They even hugged and kissed. That made me.... want to walk away. but HEY if she's happy so am I.
Kelitah, Peanut and I drown downtown to fells point today. It was really nice despite all the heavy rain. I liked what I saw and fell in love with the sound garden. Don't worry//... Ill be back

P.S: Ohh yea, it's already been brought

.5 blood princess

Pokemon has officially come to the end of the road with me. The other day I discovered that a whole new set of 135+ has been created. That would at first appeal to me however they did such a bad job! the new pokemon are just digimon/ alien/ neopet rejects. I hate them. Oh! and to add injury to insult I got my ass handed to me on Pokemon stadium. I was a sore loser and the crown went to a sore winner. blarg. w.e

Watchmen is on out on DVD now. yay.

I also went swimming yesterday that was cool and saw Orphan. That was was wack. the art of horror has died.
Today I cleaned and went to see Harry Potter6; i fell asleep for like 5 whole minutes but over all I enjoyed it. Ron W. is my favorite.
Besides working tomorrow IDK what is instore for me.
LAteR>>>

Take a chance you stupid ho

Whatcha waiting for?

Ahhh So last night I drove up to Towson with Dean to ICE .. the hookah bar. It was my first time and even now, I'm not 100% what a hookah is exactly. It's not the same as flavored oxygen cause apparently it has hints of tobacco. but like, it doesnt get you high. just dizzy and calm.
well it was a very fun experince I was such a noob at first. coughing like a cancer patient (is that taking it to far?) after each exhale. but by the end of the night i was like the ffriggin blue catipillar from Alice in wonderland. muhaha. Can't wait to go again and with more people!. (Aaah. Just another advantage of being 18 I guess....

All this fun i'm having on the rode is great but I need to be more mindful of my parents. I failed to buy my moms lunch for today cause by the time I got home last night all the stores where closed. She wasnt mad at me, but now she'll have to pay for lunch. I will make it up to her...
and while at towson I brought these mirror aviators (sun glasses) for my dad.
wow right?
He saw them on a guy a long time ago and idk I just brought them from XXI. I wonder what his reaction will be. [* i've never brought him shit for no reason.]
Haha might have a heart attack.
__________________________

My hair looks like shit i swear i want to shave it all off and buy wigs for the rest of my life. It's like the only thing that really makes me feel so un attractive. Such a guy ;-;
On a lighter note. Piplup is cute. JK that not what I really was going to say.
I talked to Jamal last night I think we're going to hang out today.. hopefully. Idk where to go though I'm poor. Idk who's going to drive either. Mayb I should just meet him half way.
cancer x cancer. lol

It's good

Where is your boy tonight I hope he is a gentleman. ...

so....KAGE....had SEX.....with another GIRL....recently.
I just want to get that out. Thanks bro. for being so honest with me n shit. I really needed to know that.

Shayla: 1 Kage: 3

*Cough* Please excuse that outburst. I just got off the phone with my best buddy about 5 minutes ago when he gave me the news. IDGAF... seriously. I didn't plan on being with him again anyway. I think I'm just a little salty at our score board now.
Sorry to wrap up my otakon blog so fast. There was just too too much to cover.
Lets see,.. how is shayla doing right now? Honestly,.. she has no idea. She says she's content with her days. Recently she's met some new friends who in a way have a lot to offer. Girls and guys alike. But what does she really feel about them?

• I hate being alone

So, I'm not going to lie, I having some feelings for some guy I kinda sorta just got to know.
Pure innocent feelings that could, If I'm lucky, lead to someone getting felt; if ya catch my drift. lmao lame.
And so with that being said. My long streak of jerkophila continues. ^__^
Usagi and I are still really cool.
Lumi is about to be a police woman.
& Idk about Lystra... my heart feels broken and I'm really frustrated with the thought of loosing her. I can't see me cutting her off but I need to really punch myself in my face cause I know my dumb ass is pushing her away.
I can admitt it. I'm a selfish person. I don't believe in groups. They always fall apart.
So I guess Lys, If God still hears me, I'll send up a little prayer...
That he or whoever heals my mind and my heart. I don't want to be afraid anymore.
I want to continue living out my days smiling and laughing with the people that mean the most to me....
Somehow I ended up being someones driving teacher. wtf. ha...
I wanna blow with my cousin but he said no! I'm comming back over there soon ya dig?


PS: Kageyoshi/ Neiko you are epic dude.

What a weekend

• Tuesday: I backed off the highway. got lost in the ghetto and enjoyed a transformers banana slurpee.
• Wednesday: i ate sushi. tons of sushi and ice cream
  
• Thursday: drove to Towson mall. watch Peanut walk into Luis Viiton drove down town past Otakon Pre Reg. Made my mark on Peanuts VIP hotel. Chilled Hard. Drove home with assholes and the biggest headache in life.
• Friday. OTAKON DAY 1 - Epic
• Saturday. DAY 2- Almost epic. Didn't attend the rave but brought a lot of cool merch in the dealers gallery.
  
• Sunday. Day 3 Farewell Otakon I'll see you 2010! I hung out with Milford/ Woodlawn we went all over down town (except art scape) Hooters. Barnes and Noble. Gallery. Harbor Mall place. Dude I saw a guy jump into the harbor water because he had dropped his $1o bill! ...hope he's still alive.

I was happy to get home. Not so much to start work again.
Ron has been keeping me company like, a lot. I really appriciate it.

18teen

Yesterday was my 18th birthday.

• Farmers market
• Work
• Pho
• Hoyts (Bruno)
• Highway
• ...Sleepover

Overall, I really enjoyed myself. I was surprised and happy that the Smurfs spent a lot of that time with me. Lystra, Shaun, Anna and both of the Jasmine/Jazmines couldn't make it but hey... [Count your blessing]
I am calm right now. trying to get to Warped tour tomorrow
Otakon is in 3 days...

De Colores. Avatar State

"It's the end of the world as we know it"

Ever since my last trip to the library Ive been trying to better my self in a more,I guess you can call it, spiritual way. I learned about the different chakra colors and their meanings. I've been doing mini yoga sessions almost where ever I go and sometimes even small meditation. It feeks wonderful. I came to the conclusion that my color that I would most likely want to focus on right now is green.

Green chakra relates to love/self love - the ability to give and take unconditionally. When balanced we are able to give love and also to love and nurture ourselves. Helps relax muscles, nerves, and thoughts. Cleanses and balances our energy, to give a feeling of renewal, peace and harmony. Green connects us to unconditional love and is used for balancing our whole being.

positive aspects of green

- compassion, generosity, harmony/balance & loving

negative aspects of green

- indifference, jealousy, miserly, & bitterness

Wow I thought I had more to say but It kinda just left me..
Um, well tomorrow is my Bday. I'll be 18. duhh.
Otakon is in 4 days... wow.

well.... Oh well. Apparently nothing at all

//And so the masochistic Lamb feel in love with the stupid lion. && Nothing became of it...
I gave up on my new love last night...seriously.
It would've been a big mistake to continue waiting for him...
Just as I said, temporary.

I feel so overwhelmed and drained when it comes to dealing with other people.

I want to cry right now.

I probably will later on tonight .. in hope of releasing some pressure.
I feel [so] alone. I feel like I'm at the age [or stage] where no one can come up to me and offer me a hug. Have I really given off that I'm busy/ clammed up vibe? I assure you I'm not as assertive as I guess people think. I have all the time in the world!

• & Big girls don't cry

*
*

After waking Peanut up with a batch of brownies and riding him around I went to a real youth group today with Lumi. It was different in a good way. I so use to my church and its 99.8% black community that it was nice seeing white and Asian kids running around lol.
We played games in and out doors. [It was hot.]
& afterward It was like church; Singing, testimonies, offerings and a sermon. *Sigh* As powerful as he thought his words were, the church leader dude still couldn't reach this heart of mines.
I felt very spiritual at that moment almost as if he was talking to me but it still sounding weird to me ears so I listened and prayed in silence. I would like to try Stephs Youths groups, she always seems to be having a fun.. and competitive time. Nice way to meet new ppl too.

[Calvin W and his little sister was there today.]

What is it that I want to believe in?? We reap what we sow..So, what do I want to . produce?

[insert big ass question mark here]

Beautiful & Broken. 11:17pm
Current Song Gravity By Sarah Bareilles

I'm not going to write you a love song

So not too long again it started to pour down raining. Without any second thoughts I found myself running around my front lawn bare foot. It was soooo great. I wasn't worried about my hair getting wet or falling. I wasn't worrying. I just felt better.....

On another note. I think I've found a new love.
[& denial aint just a river.]
Let me explain. I've fallen in love with someone; I don't necessarily love him though.
It's refreshing no longer having control of my thoughts; I feel stupid and jealous consistently. I loose nothing nor gain by behaving the way I do --I just want to be around him! My heart pounds in my chest & the more I try to silence it the more notions that don't feel like my own, leak into my brain; my dreams.
I hate this because he has no idea how hard it is to wait by the phone, to pretend to not care ...
I hate when my text goes ignored, or when I don't get a invite out of the blue. I hate when our plans get canceled for "tomorrow".
Your such a fucking liar. *swoon*

((I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'm begging you to beg me... & I want you now.))

& so my feelings of infatuation are truly intriguing & Ironically temporary.
But unfortunately, as of right now, I have it bad :(

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

So I'm at the library.

My heart hurts.

I just wanna hide under some covers for a few hours. Get up, and restart my day. I'll be taking another walk after dinner tonight. Rain or not.
Believe it or not, Otakon is in 16 days. Wow. I still don't have my stuff. Not to worried about it though.
Distract me.
Bite me. pinch me. call me...
I need a new focus.
Maybe... I should go to the mall or something. Stop sitting and waiting.
MEh.

Speak What you feel today

(Ralph w. Emerson)
So today I pretty much woke up crying. Watched this movie called 'Earthlings' It was about how animals and humans share the same planet and yet for some reason, just because they do not fit the human form they are less than. It also went behind the scenes of everything animals and humans take part in together. Slaughter house, puppy mills, pounds, zoos, circus etc. No thing was spared. I learned a lot and for a brief moment found it disgusting how we can still eat meat.
I don't have the answers to everything.
It's not right. The circle of life is... rough.
I showed sympathy. That was was very human of me.
I want to try harder to reform... me and my families eating habits.

"We reap what we sow"

Work was hell. 7 hours with a total of about 30 customers. I almost fell asleep twice *sigh* I'm going back tonight for the Transformers premiere. Pretty exciting ^_^

• Taking a few steps back. <<<<
  

So I hung out all day yesterday. Went job hunting and ran some errands. That night I took the boys to see Year One.... It was rather dry for my taste. I still love Micheal Cera; Jack Black is what brought his performance down lol. The Circus came over afterwards for a bit. Ended up, driving around the block rather than walking.. wtf.

• Lol Host Club is very funny. English/ Japanse.

The day before that, Sunday was pretty epic also. Work, Shauns Cook out, Dylans house
*****
Jamal was there too. Too much gayness for my eyes. We didn't learn to fly as I had really hoped but we did sit out under the stars.
Yeap, actually stars. Havent seen then in forever. It was peaceful; in a bitter way.
I really didn't want to leave when I did.
Lol theyre planning this huge trip to Massanutten tomorrow. Idk how long they'll be gone. IDGAF.
out of sight out of mind. heheh. I'll be back.

• Current Playlist >>>>>>
  

1. Soul Mate - Natasha bedingfeild
2. Can't take my eyes off of you - Lauren Hill
3. You - Evanescence
4. Waste my time - Jude Harrison
   
5. ???- Angels & Airwaves
   

LvL UP

Pirate skulls and bones
Sticks and stones and weed and bongs
Running when we hit 'em
Lethal poison through their system
-MIA

Today I did what birds to best. Didn't plan on it, all i know if that I laugh a lot and can get very inarticulate. Didn't plan on seeing who I saw today. Didn't plan a thing. ..Ask me if I regretted it for one moment.